Behaving Badly Page #7

Oh, I didn't know. I'm sorry.

Oh, no, it's... My parents

like to keep it quiet.

I go along with it

because I know at

the end of the day,

our parents are just as

scared and confused as we are

about everything.

Yeah, I never really thought

about mine like that.

Maybe you should.

Here, give me your hand.

- What?

- Hmm.

Hold still.

What are you drawing?

You'll see.

That's the Tau Cross.

It's the symbol of Saint

Francis of Assisi,

the patron of families.

Maybe it'll give you

better luck with yours.

You're really amazing,

you know that?

Here's a rock.

Oh.

Thank you.

It actually fell from the sky,

so it's kind of like

your own personal star.

And you can...

you can make as many

wishes as you want.

You know, you're not

so bad yourself.

Thank you.

Hmmm!

Hi, Ricky.

Hello, gorgeous.

Oh, I'm so happy you

came to see me.

Doctor's in the house.

Oh, fun, role playing.

I'm your new gynecologist.

I like it. I like to role play.

I'm here to check your ovaries.

Oh, you're not Ricky!

Just breathe.

Ohhhh!

Yeah, you like that?

Squeeze 'em! Squeeze 'em tighter.

- Mmm! Mmm!

- Harder! Harder!

Squeeze 'em hard. Like they're

small... Filipino children.

Squeeze 'em! Yeah.

Ohh!

You pervert!

Which one of you is Rick Stevens?

But if it wasn't for

your misfortune...

- It's like a 'T'.

- A 'T'?

It happens to be my

favourite letter.

That's good.

What is going on in here,

you slutty, slutty little b*tch?

- Uh, nothing, Mrs Stevens.

- She's not my mother.

She knew that.

I was waiting for you.

You never came.

- She's very pretty.

- She's obviously on drugs.

Which one of you is Rick Stevens?

What is this bullshit I've been

hearing through the grapevine

about you claiming you're the

top crime family in town?

- You're in a crime family?

- You're in a crime family?

And what do you think you're doing

operating a strip joint

on our territory?

- Your territory? Who are you?

- The Malinauskas family.

Sh*t. Malinauskas.

Like any respectable organisation,

we have our ears in

the police force.

And they tell us there's

this Joseph Stevens

trying to hedge in on our business.

The problem is I never

even heard of him.

So you know what I think?

I think you're nobody at all.

He's nobody.

You're right. I'm a nobody.

And, uh, my father

is really a nobody.

And Mantas Bartuska

wasn't found shot to death

in my mother's trunk.

You're saying your

father made big body?

I'm not saying anything.

I'm not saying my father

offed 152 people in Jersey.

And I'm definitely not saying

we're in the witness

protection program.

So you're in a crime family and

the witness protection program?

And you're having relations

with a woman this old?

Old? That is so mean.

I can't believe I

almost kissed you.

- Whore! Come back!

- Nina.

- Please wait.

- Not so fast.

I wanna have a little

conversation with your father.

Later.

Nina, Nina, Nina!

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You are not the type of person

I wish to associate

with, Rick Stevens.

- Can't you just let me...

- So, you're Rick, huh?

- Yes.

- Karlis has a message for you.

He said tomorrow's Arbor Day,

so unless you plough

that chick by midnight,

you better have the

1,000 bucks you owe him

or else he's gonna be

really f***ing mad.

You bet that you would

'plough' somebody?

No...

Who else were you planning

on sleeping with?

You!

I mean, you.

You... ass face!

- Oh!

- Jeez...

You OK, buddy?

Ho! I was just a guest at a party.

I want to talk to my lawyer.

Annette Stratton-Osborne.

Mr Stevens! Mr Stevens!

Officer, there's been a

huge misunderstanding.

- A misunderstanding?

- Make some room here.

- Right. You're coming downtown.

- Just calm down, kids.

- What are you doing?

- Ma'am, keep your panties on.

Nina, Nina...

Mr Stevens, Brian Savage,

Channel 9, 'Eyewitness News'.

Mr Stevens, is it true

the melee here tonight

is the result of crime

family rivalries?

I'm Tina Johnson, investigative

reporter with Channel 5.

Mr Stevens, I would love to

get an exclusive interview.

I promise I will make it

extremely worth your while.

Whore!

- I love you! I love you!

- He's mine!

Alright, calm down!

Everybody, you have to...

OK, I know this is

bad, but... again.

Again. Again.

Can we get the patrol here, please?

Little jackass!

Hey, c*nt, thanks for

stealing my story.

Kristen, you're gonna get arrested.

Hey, cock cop,

this is for stealing Nina.

Oh, sh*t.

You f***ing Oompa-Loompa.

You stole my story!

Now there's going to

be a quid pro quo.

- That's live.

- Everybody freeze!

This is pretty.

We're gonna need some backup.

I'm gonna trust you with this.

This is a Timex there.

I'm gluten-free, so I can't...

I can't have any bread unless

it's, like, a rice flour.

- Principal Poole?

- Rick.

Officer, I got an alibi right here.

Tell them I didn't know anything about

the camera in the girls locker room.

I've never seen this

man before in my life.

We had a deal.

I want to talk to my lawyer,

Annette Stratton-Osborne.

Come on, Pee-wee.

Hi, Jimmy.

Number one, did you

know that Billy's mom

shaves her beef curtains?

- I did know that.

- Number two.

Some trash bag cop planted a

couple of grams of coke on me.

You believe that sh*t?

I find that very hard to believe.

I can't be in here.

My face, this bod...

You've seen my ass.

Three, I need you to

contact my attorney.

Beautiful tits, Annette St...

Stratton-Osborne, got it.

Kristen, Kristen, don't cry.

I used the lap-dancing

money to bail you out...

you'll be free within the hour.

I have a criminal record.

Lots of people have

criminal records.

Stanford is going to

rescind my acceptance.

That was my last shot.

- I'll figure something out, OK?

- Great, great.

You motherf***er!

Get the f*** over here!

Get the f*** over here!

- I swear to God...

- It was good seeing you.

- Good to see you too, fuckhead.

- Yeah, great, yeah.

F***!

- Billy, hey, Billy.

- Huh? Oh! Oh! Rick.

Sorry to wake you.

This is crazy, huh?

They got me on a pandering rap.

I don't even know what

'pandering' means.

Look, you gotta use the money

that I collected at the party

to bail me out, OK?

There's none left.

- What do you mean?

- There's no money left.

We collected a whole

shoebox full of money.

- I had to bail my sister out.

- What about me?

I figured your mom

could bail you out.

- My mom's in jail, Rick.

- Didn't even think about that.

Well, at least this nice man

offered to give me a cavity search,

which would save me a

trip to the dentist.

You know how much I

hate the dentist.

Oh, God, Billy, stay strong.

Hi.

Have you got in touch

with your parents yet?

They're in Dallas for

the Pro-life Gun Expo.

Is there anything I can do?

Yeah, you can...

go eff yourself.

I liked you,

despite the fact that you don't

have your future planned out.

Despite the fact that

your socks never match.

Despite the fact that your ringtone

is 'Nigga What, Nigga Who.'

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