Being John Malkovich Page #11

CUT TO:

INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Malkovich and Maxine are having sex on Maxine's couch.

MAXINE:

Lotte, this is so good...

CRAIG (V.O.)

(tense, commanding)

Move right hand across her left breast

now. Move right hand across her left

breast now. Move right hand across her

left breast now.

Malkovich clumsily, awkwardly moves his hand across Maxine's

breast.

CRAIG (V.O.) (CONT'D)

Holy sh*t, yes!

MALKOVICH:

Holy sh*t, yes!

CRAIG (V.O.)

Holy sh*t! He said what I said!

MALKOVICH:

Holy sh*t! He said what I said!

MAXINE:

Lotte? Is that you?

CRAIG (V.O.)

Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes!

MALKOVICH:

Yes, yes, sweetheart, yes!

(scared)

What the f*** is going on? I'm not

talking. This is not me!

MAXINE:

Oh, Lotte...

Maxine kisses Malkovich hard on the lips. There is a

sucking sound.

CUT TO:

EXT. DITCH - NIGHT

There is a pop and Craig lands in the ditch.

CUT TO:

INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

A panicked Malkovich is pulling on his clothes.

MALKOVICH:

Something was making me talk. Some

Goddamn thing was making me move. I

gotta get out of here.

MAXINE:

Oh, Dollface, it was just your passion

for me taking hold.

MALKOVICH:

No, Dollface, I know what my passion

taking hold feels like. I gotta go.

He leaves. Maxine falls back on the couch and sighs

contentedly.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A wet, mess Craig sits next to Lotte's cage. Lotte is bound

and gagged.

CRAIG:

I did it, sweetie. I moved his arm

across your girlfriend's glorious tit.

I made him talk. And, oh, there was

the beginning of sensation in the

fingertips. Ummmm-mmmm! It's just a

matter of practice before Malkovich

becomes nothing more than another

puppet hanging next to my worktable.

Coffee?

CUT TO:

INT. MALKOVICH'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Malkovich paces nervously, a glass of whisky in his hand.

Kevin Bacon sits on the couch and fiddles with a Rubic's

Cube.

MALKOVICH:

It's like nothing I've ever felt

before. I think I'm going crazy.

KEVIN BACON:

I'm sure you're not going crazy.

MALKOVICH:

Kevin, I'm telling you... it was

like nothing I've...

KEVIN BACON:

Yeah yeah yeah. Yadda yadda yadda.

Were you stoned?

MALKOVICH:

Yes, but you see, someone else was

talking through my mouth.

KEVIN BACON:

You were stoned. Case closed. End

of story. How hot is this babe?

MALKOVICH:

I think it might've been this Lotte

woman talking through me. Maxine

likes to call me Lotte.

KEVIN BACON:

Ouch. Now that's hot. She's using you

to channel some dead lesbian lover.

Let me know when you're done with her.

This is my type of chick.

MALKOVICH:

I'm done with her now. Tonight really

creeped me out.

KEVIN BACON:

You're crazy to let go of a chick who

calls you Lotte. I tell you that as a

friend.

MALKOVICH:

I don't know anything about her. What

if she's some sort of witch or

something?

KEVIN BACON:

All the better. Hey, Hot Lesbian

Witches, next Geraldo, buddy boy.

Ha ha ha.

MALKOVICH:

I gotta know the truth, Kevin.

KEVIN BACON:

The truth is for suckers, Johnny-Boy.

CUT TO:

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - MORNING

Malkovich, in a baseball cap and sunglasses, leans against

the wall. After a moment, Maxine emerges from the building

and walks down the block. Malkovich follows at a safe

distance.

CUT TO:

INT. 7 1/2 FLOOR - MORNING

The elevator doors are pried open. It's packed. Maxine and

a few other people climb out. The last to emerge is

Malkovich. He is astounded by the dimensions of the floor.

He turns the corner and sees the long line of crouching fat

people. Maxine goes into the office and closes the door.

Maxine sees "J.M. Inc." stenciled on the office door. He

turns to the first fat man and line.

MALKOVICH:

Excuse me, what type of service does

this company provide?

FAT MAN:

You get to be John Malkovich for

fifteen minutes. Two hundred clams.

MALKOVICH:

(quietly flipped)

I see.

FAT MAN:

No cutting, by the way.

Malkovich pounds on the door.

FAT MAN (CONT'D)

No cutting!

Several fat people jump on Malkovich, and start beating

him. Craig steps out of the office.

CRAIG:

Hey! Break it up! Break it up!

Everybody gets a chance to be...

The fat people climb off Malkovich. His glasses and cap

have been knocked off and everyone recognizes him.

FAT MAN:

It's him! Oh, we're so sorry Mr.

Malkovich! I hope me and my

associates from Overeaters Anonymous

didn't hurt you too terribly.

MALKOVICH:

(to Craig)

Inside.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Craig and Malkovich enter. Maxine looks up, startled, but

controlling it.

MAXINE:

Darling!

MALKOVICH:

What the f*** is going on?

CRAIG:

Mr. Malkovich, my name is Craig

Schwartz. I can explain. We operate

a little business her that...

simulates, for our clientele, the

experience of... being you, actually.

MALKOVICH:

Simulates?

CRAIG:

Sure, after a fashion.

MALKOVICH:

Let me try.

CRAIG:

You? Why I'm sure it would pale in

comparison to the actual experience.

MALKOVICH:

Let me try!

MAXINE:

Let him try.

CRAIG:

Of course, right this way, Mr.

Malkovich. Compliments of the house.

Craig ushers Malkovich to the portal door, opens it.

MALKOVICH:

(repulsed by the slime)

Jesus.

Malkovich climbs in. The door closes.

CRAIG:

What happens when a man climbs

through his own portal?

MAXINE:

(shrugs)

How the hell would I know? I wasn't

a philosophy major.

CUT TO:

INT. MEMBRANOUS TUNNEL - DAY

Malkovich crawls through. It's murky. He's tense. Suddenly

there is a slurping sound.

CUT TO:

PSYCHEDELIC MONTAGE

We see Malkovich hurtling through different environments.

It's scary:
giant toads, swirling eddies of garish, colored

lights, naked old people pointing and laughing, black velvet

clown paintings.

CUT TO:

INT. RESTAURANT - NIGHT

Malkovich pops into a chair in a swakn night club. He's

wearing a tuxedo. The woman across the table from him is

also Malkovich, but in a gown. He looks around the

restaurant. Everyone is Malkovich in different clothes.

Malkovich is panicked. The girl Malkovich across the

table looks at him seductively, winks and talks.

GIRL MALKOVICH:

Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich

Malkovich...

Malkovich looks confused. The Malkovich waiter approaches,

pen and pad in hand, ready to take their orders.

WAITER MALKOVICH

Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich?

GIRL MALKOVICH:

Malkovich Malkovich Malkovich

Malkovich.

WAITER MALKOVICH

Malkovich Malkovich.

(Turning to Malkovich)

Malkovich?

Malkovich looks down at the menu. Every item is "Malkovich."

He screams:

MALKOVICH:

Malkovich!

The waiter jots it down on his pad.

WAITER MALKOVICH

Malkovich.

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