Being John Malkovich Page #9

ERROLL:

Can I be anyone I want?

MAXINE:

You can be John Malkovich.

ERROLL:

Well that's perfect. My second

choice. Ah, this is wonderful.

Too good to be true! You see, I'm

a sad man. Sad and fat and alone. Oh,

I've tried all the diets, my friends.

Lived for a year on nothing but

imitation mayonnaise. Did it work?

You be the judge. But Malkovich!

King of New York! Man about town!

Most eligible bachelor! Bon Vivant!

The Schopenhauer of the 20th century!

Thin man extraordinaire!

MAXINE:

Two hundred dollars, please.

ERROLL:

Yes. Yes. A thousand times, yes!

Erroll takes out his wallet.

CUT TO:

EXT. DITCH - DAY

Craig waits by his car, checks his watch. "Pop!" Erroll

plops into the ditch, wet and unkempt. He looks around,

sees Craig, charges him with a yell and gives him an

enormous bear hug.

ERROLL:

Oh, thank you! Thank you!

Thousand times, thank you!

CRAIG:

(gasping for air)

Tell your friends.

ERROLL:

Oh, I will, and I have many,

many friends and associates, my

friend. All, by the way, in Overeaters

Anonymous. All of them fat and alone

like me, all of them dream of being

someone else, all of them with John

Malkovich as their second choice!

CUT TO:

INT. HALLWAY 7 1/2 FLOOR - DAY

The hall outside Craig and Maxine's office sports a long

line of crouching fat people, all clutching cash in their

hands.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - CONTINUOUS

Craig kneels at the door and peeks out through the mail

slot. Maxine sits at her desk and files her toenails.

CRAIG:

This is amazing! We're gonna be rich!

MAXINE:

So unbolt the f***ing door, Einstein.

Craig unlocks the door. Lester steps in, closes the door

behind him, locks it.

LESTER:

You're making a big mistake, Schwartz.

(nods to Maxine)

Ma'am

CRAIG:

Dr. Lester, I don't know what you're

talking about.

LESTER:

There are rules, boy, procedures,

etiquette. This is not a toy. I've

been waiting seventy years to utilize

this room, grooming myself, quietly

setting the stage, performing

ablutions, paying tribute, seeing all

his motion pictures again and again.

Worshipping, Schwartz, worshipping

properly.

CRAIG:

You're insane.

LESTER:

I am not alone. There are others. We

are legion. You will pay for this

blasphemy. You will pay dearly.

Lester exits. Craig looks at Maxine. There is a moment

of tension. Finally:

MAXINE:

Crackpot.

Craig opens the door. The first few fat people move noisily

into the room.

CUT TO:

INT. DR. LESTER'S ALTAT ROOM - NIGHT

Many cloaked people in the room kneeling with candles in

hand before the lit photo of Malkovich. Lotte kneels in the

back row. They chant:

DISCIPLES OF MALKOVICH

How much do we love you? We loved

you in "Making Mr. Right." That is

how much we love you. We even own the

director's cut on laser disc. Please

accept us into your head as we have

accepted you into our hearts. Please

let us be you. Amen.

CUT TO:

INT. LESTER'S DINING ROOM - A BIT LATER

The worshippers mill about, chatting, drinking coffee,

nibbling on cookies.

LESTER:

May I have your attention, please.

We have a new disciple among us tonight.

DISCIPLES OF MALKOVICH

Hallelujah.

LESTER:

She is the wife of Schwartz.

A stunned hush falls over the group.

LOTTE:

(apologetically)

I'm getting divorced.

LESTER:

No you mustn't, my child.

LOTTE:

But why, Son of Malkovich?

LESTER:

We need you on the inside, my child.

To report on his comings and goings,

and if need be, to... destroy him...

(hands Lotte a gun)

...for lack of a better word.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Craig is putting stuff in boxes. Lotte enters in her cloak.

LOTTE:

What are you doing?

CRAIG:

I'm moving. Remember? What's with

the hooded cloak?

LOTTE:

Nothing. Don't go, Craig. I've been

thinking. Let's try to work this out.

We've got so much history.

CRAIG:

(still packing)

You should feed your animals. They're

looking peaked.

LOTTE:

I'm getting rid of the f***ing

animals.

CRAIG:

What?

LOTTE:

I'm getting rid of the animals. I've

lost interest. Besides, they're

standing between you and me.

CRAIG:

No they're not.

LOTTE:

You've always hated the animals.

CRAIG:

You've always loved the animals.

LOTTE:

I'm giving them up. I've changed.

I've found a new focus.

CRAIG:

What's that?

LOTTE:

(beat)

Us, of course.

Craig looks up from his packing. He and Lotte stare at each

other for a long while.

CRAIG:

(tenderly)

Oh, Lot...

They hug.

CRAIG (CONT'D)

What about Maxine?

LOTTE:

F*** Maxine.

CRAIG:

We wish.

They look at each other and laugh, them fall back into the

embrace. They both get faraway looks in their eyes.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S GARAGE - NIGHT

The clock reads 3:00 AM. Craig, in his pajamas, is working

the Craig and Maxine puppets. They make love on the bare

puppet stage. Craig seems possessed.

CUT TO:

INT. MAXINE'S BEDROOM - CONTINUOUS

The phone rings. Maxine sleepily picks it up.

MAXINE:

Yes?

LOTTE (O.S.)

I have to see you. Can you call him

and invite us over?

MAXINE:

When?

LOTTE (O.S.)

Give me one hour to get inside him

Exactly.

Maxine checks her alarm clock. The time is 3:11 AM.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND LOTTE'S CAR - NIGHT

Lotte drives.

CUT TO:

INT. MAXINE'S APARTMENT - A BIT LATER

The doorbell rings. Maxine, in a sheer black nightgown,

answers it. John Malkovich stands there.

MAXINE:

Thanks so much for coming over.

MALKOVICH:

Oh, I'm really glad you called.

Maxine gestures for him to enter. As Malkovich passes by

her, she checks the wall clock. The time is 3:50.

CUT TO:

INT. CRAIG AND MAXINE'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Lotte sits on the floor in the dark. She leans, out of

breath, against the wall next to the portal and checks her

watch. The time is 4:10. She pulls open the door.

CUT TO:

INT. MAXINE'S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Maxine and Malkovich sit a bit awkwardly next to each other

on the couch.

MAXINE:

So, do you enjoy being an actor?

MALKOVICH:

Oh sure. It's very rewarding...

The digital clock on the VCR clicks over to 4:11 AM.

Maxine's look softens, and she kisses Malkovich hard

on the lips. He seems surprised, but quickly warms to

it. We shift top Malkovich's POV as Maxine begins to

unbutton Malkovich's shirt.

LOTTE (V.O.)

Oh my darling. Oh my sweetheart.

MAXINE:

I love you, Lotte.

LOTTE (V.O.)

Maxine...

MALKOVICH:

(stopping)

I'm sorry, did you just call me

"Lotte"?

MAXINE:

Do you mind?

MALKOVICH:

(thinking)

No, I guess not. I'm an actor.

They get back to it.

MAXINE:

Oh, my sweet, beautiful Lotte.

MALKOVICH:

(thinks he's playing along)

Yes, Maxine, yes.

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