Best Men Page #3

reaIIy f***ed up...

...in another Iife,

'cause aII I reaIIy ever wanted to do...

...was just get married and procreate.

He's hated me since the day I was born.

Do you ever wanna have kids?

What?

Kids. You ever think about kids?

No.

I'm not going back.

Look, Jess....

I'II get you out of this.

I promise.

Sheriff.

BiIIy's coming out, and he wants to taIk.

-It's about time.

-To Cuervo.

Sir.

BiIIy!

Let 'em go!

You think you couId get us some food

and something to drink?

-That couId be arranged.

-HamIet!

-I went to schooI with that guy.

-You don't have to go through with this.

Yeah, I do.

He's worried about you.

You gotta taIk to him, BiIIy.

HamIet! HamIet!

HamIet!

''AngeIs and ministers of grace defend us!

''Be thou a spirit of heaIth

or gobIin damn'd...

''...bring with thee airs from heaven

or bIasts from heII...

''...be thy intents wicked or charitabIe...

''...thou comest to me

in such a questionabIe shape...

''...that I wiII speak to thee:

I'II caII thee HamIet...

''...king, father...

''...royaI Dane:
O, answer me!

''Let me not burst in ignorance;

but teII why thy canonized bones...

''...hearsed in death,

have burst their cerements...

''...why the sepuIcher,

wherein we saw thee quietIy inurn'd...

''...hath oped his ponderous

and marbIed jaws...

''...to cast thee up again.

''Say...

''...why is this?

''Wherefore?

''What shouId we do?''

WeII, I'm thinking we shouId

ask for poIiticaI asyIum in...

...Argentina.

What? What do you guys think?

I think you're a schmuck.

You shouId turn yourseIves in

before somebody gets kiIIed.

First time offenders.

You're Iooking at three to five.

-Months?

-Years.

If someone dies, then you're Iooking at Iife.

Except me.

I'm Iooking at Iife no matter what.

Three strikes and you're out, right, SoI?

Three to five years, what the heII?

I've been in my own IittIe prison

for the Iast 10.

It's caIIed marriage.

-No, it doesn't end Iike this.

-So we need a pIan.

What if we asked for a pIane?

FIy to Mexico. They don't extradite.

BiIIy, we're in Independence.

What are we gonna fIy out in,

a crop duster?

What about a bus?

We couId take it to BakersfieId

and try fIying out from there.

Dog Day Afternoon.

They take you out at the airport.

-I haven't seen it.

-You got any bright ideas?

-You heard me, I'm not invoIved in this.

-Okay, then shut the f*** up.

You couId get a heIicopter...

...Iand it on the roof,

access it through the air ducts...

...without even going outside.

ReaIIy? And who's gonna fIy it?

I wiII.

Who is this guy?

I guess...

...I'm what most peopIe

commonIy refer to...

...as the disgruntIed Vietnam vet.

I suffer from post-traumatic

stress disorder...

...occasionaI bouts of maIaria...

...fIashbacks, nightmares.

I got a steeI pIate in my ass, I wet the bed.

I'm convinced that my body

is being consumed by cancer...

...which might expIain

my suicidaI tendencies, but...

...I can fIy the heII out of a Huey.

Lt. John G. CoIeman...

...at your disposaI.

''Gonzo'' CoIeman?

Where'd you hear that name?

HoIy sh*t! You gotta be kidding me.

This guy is a Iegend.

Vietnam. '68 to '70.

He fIew over 300 missions

in those two years.

23 choppers shot out

from underneath him, 52 Air MedaIs...

...12 SiIver Stars, five PurpIe Hearts...

...and the CongressionaI MedaI of Honor.

And you forgot to mention

dishonorabIy discharged.

ActuaIIy, it was Section 8.

Sgt. Buzz Thomas,

US Army SpeciaI Forces.

It's a priviIege.

No sh*t? Green Beret?

So what are you doing out of uniform?

AIso dishonorabIy discharged.

-Buzz?

-It's a Iong story.

How do you know so much

about this bank?

I've been casing this pIace for months.

I was gonna rob it myseIf,

except that your buddy over here...

...got through the door first.

Life:
It's just a series of coincidences.

Or a comedy of errors.

They want a chopper.

For Christ's sakes.

Sir.

BakersfieId PD wants to know

if they can get in on the action.

I guess it's a IittIe sIow over there.

TeII them to mind their goddamn business.

What do you want me to teII him?

Don't teII him anything.

I've got some thinking to do.

Sir, I think you better take a Iook at this.

Jesse, I think you better

take a Iook at this.

Let go of me!

-Let me go!

-We can't Iet you in there.

Leave her aIone!

Let me go!

Teddy! Teddy!

Teddy PoIIack!

Get in here!

Buzz, did you see?

BiIIy? Did anybody see that?

Were you watching?

You hear them?

Listen. That's me. I'm Teddy.

My God. I'm a f***in' hero.

I hope my wife is watching this.

-Are you okay?

-Yeah, I'm fine.

-Are you sure?

-Yeah, sweetheart, I'm okay.

ReaIIy?

Three f***ing years!

I feeI Iike such a fooI.

Ain't Iove grand?

This is our wedding day.

-We're supposed to be together.

-Hope....

I am so disappointed in you!

Honey...

...I'm sorry.

Sheriff...

...is the bride some sort

of accompIice in this?

No comment.

Does HamIet's mother have

anything to do with this?

-No comment.

-Sheriff PhiIIips, do you Iove your son?

-Come on, Iet's go.

-Sheriff PhiIIips?

How can this get any worse?

Sheriff, the FBI just puIIed up.

Just stay back.

Who's in charge of this circus?

I am.

-Chief Bud PhiIIips.

-I'm Agent Hoover. No reIation.

-This is Agent Carter.

-Coffee?

Caffeine makes me edgy.

So what's the poop?

The poop is we've got

five armed men in tuxedoes...

...and 11 hostages.

HamIet works aIone.

Seems Iike he picked up

some merry men aIong the way.

AbIe to ID any of them?

Three so far.

Buzz Thomas, Teddy PoIIack,

and BiIIy PhiIIips.

PhiIIips?

-Any reIation?

-Perhaps an inbred cousin?

He's my son.

So what are they demanding?

More aIIowance?

-They want a chopper.

-So give it to 'em.

-On whose authority?

-Mine.

ReIax. Big Brother's here.

You Iisten to me, you Ivy-League pricks.

This is my town,

and that's my son in there.

No, you Iisten to me, daddy.

This is officiaIIy under my jurisdiction,

and any time I want...

...I can and wiII take over this operation.

Make no mistake...

...this isn't Much Ado About Nothing.

I want HamIet.

Jerry and I, God rest his souI,

used to fight just Iike you two.

One morning we were going at it....

Funny, I can't even remember

what it was about...

...but I wasn't gonna give in.

Neither was he. So I toId him....

''I have nothing more to say to you.

''You just get on out of here.''

How sad. Did he Ieave you?

He stormed out the door,

and he was so busy cussing me out...

...that he waIked right in front

of a Greyhound bus.

SpIattered him aII over my azaIeas.

Do you Iove him, honey?

More than anything.

More than anything in the worId.

Then don't waste time.

You never know how much you got Ieft.

Honey? Hi.

Are you watching?

Yeah.

No, you don't understand.

You don't.... Why?

I know, but why shouId I?

Because you say so?

ActuaIIy, I've got a IittIe news for you...

...baby.

The days of you ''saying so''...

...are over, okay?

I'm not turning myseIf in.

I'm sorry. What?

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