Better Off Dead... Page #4

- Roger.

- All right.

- Where you goin'?

- I'm gonna go wash my hands.

- I gotta mold and pat.

- Wash your hands on your own time.

- Now, get to work.

- Yes, sir.

- Fat pig.

- What?

Pat. Pat pig.

Everybody wants some.

I'll show you

what everybody wants.

They call me mad!

Mad! Mad!

Me, a fool?

It's alive!

Oh, yeah

Yeah, yeah

You can't get romantic

on a subway line

Conductor don't like it

Says you're wastin'your time

But everybody wants some

I want some too

Everybody wants some

Baby, how 'bout you

Yeah, yeah, yeah

I seen a lot of people

lookin'for a moonbeam

Yeah, ya spent a lot

Ya got lost in thejet stream

Everybody wants some

I want some too

Oops.

Lookin' really good today, buddy.

Lookin' real good.

Goon.

All right.

This is it.

- Look, Barney, a falling star.

- Yeah.

- Let's make a wish.

- A wish?

If you wish on a falling star,

your wish will come true.

No kiddin'?

- What did you wish for, Betty?

- Can't tell ya.

It would spoil the wish.

- Don't tell me your wish either.

- I won't.

Hey there. I know this is awkward,

me being a cartoon and all.

I was just wondering how you'd feel

if I took out Beth.

Matches.

Where have you been?

We've all been waiting for you.

You come and sit

right down here.

- Have you met Monique?

- Hi.

Now, in honor of our special guest,

I've created "Dinner Mon Dieu."

First we have...

"Fraunch" fries.

And...

"Fraunch" dressing.

And "Fraunch" bread.

And to drink... ta-da!

"Peru."

You really do go to the outer limits

to make an impression.

Monique, enjoying your stay

in our town?

I say, are enjoying your stay

in our town?

- She doesn't speak English, Dad.

- Of course she does.

- Are you enjoying your stay...

- It's no good, Al.

- She don't speak a word.

- Wait a minute.

I thought foreign exchange students

had to speak some English.

Well, as we're discovering

around our household...

you don't need words

to speak the international language.

Right, Ricky?

The international language.

You know... love.

The language of love.

I think Monique and our little Ricky

have a regular...

cross-continental romance

brewing here.

- Him? And her?

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

That makes sense.

What does that mean?

I think she wants

to use the bathroom.

It's down the hall,

second door on the left.

Jennifer,

this is fabulous liqueur.

Reminds me of the moonshine

Ricky's dead pappy used to make.

- God bless him.

- Mrs. Smith! No! Wait!

I'm real sorry your mom blew up,

Ricky. Doctor said she'll be okay.

I guess she just won't be able

to eat any spicy foods for a while.

Not now.

- What do they want?

- They want a race.

- Lane Myer, the kid from Greendale.

- Here's a good example.

- I don't know.

- Brothers. One speaks no English.

The other learned English from

watching the Wide World of Sports.

You tell me which is better...

speaking no English at all...

or speaking Howard Cosell.

The chances seem slim that

this once-great has the nerve...

the desire to win,

that he once had.

You must obey the proper

speed limits. A car is not a toy.

- We'll take these guys!

- It's a close race.

Myer takes the lead.

This could go in Myer's favor.

You're exceeding the speed limit.

Lane Myer, slow down.

Myer takes the lead.

This could go in Myer's favor.

It looks very, very close.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Ricky's dead.

Ricky, are you dead?

I think he's dead. Monique.

Monique, I'm sorry.

I'm telling my mom.

See you later.

Ever since I got my license, those

kamikaze pilots have been after me.

If I only had my Camaro running.

If I had my Camaro running...

I would blow those boys

off the street... vroom.

That thing goes so fast.

It's got an engine...

Looks good, huh?

I guess after my mom's cooking,

you'll probably tolerate anything.

Have a Ding Dong. They're good.

There they are.

Don't get me wrong.

My mom means well, she really does.

Cooking's her new thing.

She cooks all the time now.

- It's better than it used to be.

- Hey! Buenos das.

I stopped by to tell you I'm gonna

be picking a new captain...

for the ski team on Sunday.

All you gotta do to be captain,

Myer, is beat me.

The tryouts won't be the same

if you're not there, champ.

So what are you and Myer

talking about?

Is he telling you

what a great lover he is?

She only speaks French, Roy.

She doesn't speak "imbecile."

There's one language I speak

that all women understand.

Just ask your last girlfriend.

Would you like

to learn some new words?

Sh*t! Stupid!

- What's going on here?

- Nothing!

Myer's new frog girlfriend here

is just as much of a clod as he is.

Hold on. You think you're such a big

tough guy because you're captain.

The truth is, I could

out-ski you any day of the week.

- Really?

- You want a race, I'll take you on.

- Yeah, I'm sure.

- From the K-12, champ.

- Chicken?

- What did you say?

- Anytime. You name it.

- You're diggin' your own grave.

No one has to know.

Just me and you.

Sunday. High noon.

You're on.

This just in. Lane Myer

will be racing Roy Stalin...

down K-12 this Sunday at noon.

I must be brain-damaged.

I'm gonna race. I'm gonna lose.

And I'm gonna die.

That? Is my car. The Camaro.

Remember? I was telling you

about it before? It doesn't work.

My little brother, he's building

a space shuttle out of appliances.

That thing's going to work. I can't

get that out of the driveway.

I'll talk to you later.

I gotta go.

Smitty? Yo, Smitty!

How's it going?

Here's the ski you called about.

My God. What happened to you?

You're all mangled.

- You get hit by a truck?

- I was trying to ski the K-12.

After the Olympics,

everything looked so damned easy.

You gotta be a real moron

to try to ski that run, you know?

Yeah.

- Charge it.

- Have a nice day.

This is as bad

as it will ever get.

I want my two dollars!

Two dollars!

I want my two dollars! Two dollars!

I want my two dollars!

No! I can't swim!

Something wrong, Monique?

Nice talking to you.

Hell, yes, something is wrong!

This, how you say, "dorkhead"...

is an unleashed sex fiend.

Look. He will not leave me alone.

He thinks because I stay here...

I am his love goddess,

his prostrate.

No. Prostitute.

Holy sh*t.

You big faker. You speak English.

But of course I speak English.

I speak very good English.

I will not, however,

speak Mrs. Smith's...

international language of love

with this reptilian son.

Well, honk my hooter!

I don't believe it. You've

understood everything we've said?

Look, Lane. If you were living

with a family like that...

the less you spoke, the happier

you would be, I promise you.

God, I never thought of that.

I thought if Casanova and I

had nothing to say to each other...

he'd get bored, go away.

Instead, he used it as a chance

to put his testicles all over me.

His what?

How you say... octopus, testicles?

Tentacles. "N-t." Tentacles.

- Tentacles.

- There's a big difference.

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