Better Off Single Page #4

you're in a relationship, ain't no

more upticks in the old portfolio,

and cheap it is not.

Tradin' out of the position... boom!

Crush ass.

I understand that your business

school outlook on getting p*ssy

might be a bit unique

but, I don't know,

I'm just f***ed, man

- after Angela.

- You're not f***ed!

I'm f***ed. I don't think I

can crush anything right now.

- I don't even know where to start.

- Charlie.

It's like candy from a baby.

It goes like this...

First, you gotta

identify the target.

No, not her.

No! Not even close.

Boom! Her. The one

not over at the bar.

Instead, attacking that BlackBerry

with the same intense precision

that'll come in handy for you

in just a few short hours.

There'll be some competition for

her, but nothing you can't handle.

This chick is annoyed

that Vanessa

from up on the bar

is getting the attention.

So you give it to her...

All the attention she needs.

- Okay, I'm buyin'. Now what?

- Next, make sure she knows

that you're a nice guy, okay?

And this is important,

so pay attention.

You're a nice guy who she

will never see again.

That she'll never see again?

I don't get it.

Think back to college...

Spring break, specifically.

Nice girls let their sexual cats out

of the bag all spring break long

on south padre island because

they know when they get home,

it'll be right back to prim and

proper, smart and respectable

without anyone around

to say otherwise.

- This is N.Y.C., not spring

break, right? -Exactly!

Which is why you're flying back to L.A.

in the morning

or you're f***ing moving to

Nepal on Tuesday... whatever.

Whatever words go from

your lips to her ears

letting her know that she

will never see you again.

And, then,

just like spring break,

the farther away she thinks

you'll be next week,

the more likely she is to do something

erotic in the sack tonight.

Okay, okay. Listen. It's kind

of unfair to know this stuff,

but what's next?

So then you establish

touch and get her comfortable

not just with the look of you,

but with the feel of you.

Stand close to her.

Let her start to like it.

And, remember,

part of the beauty of this chick

is that she's not out with some

cock-blocking protector friend

who couldn't get herself laid

and now needs to pull

a guilt-trip on your girl.

'Cause she's normally

the protector friend.

Boom! Now you're with me.

And, then, fellows,

close the deal.

No hesitation.

Don't ask permission

just go over to the bartender,

cash out your bill.

Tell her it's time to get her

out of all these wet things.

Wait for those easy

b.F.F.S of hers

to pull their Irish good-byes,

and go in for the kill.

Under no circumstances

should you ever, never, ever

let her think.

- You might actually

be the devil.

Or kind of brilliant in a... if

in a Machiavellian sort of way,

but, thank you.

Thank you guys for sharing.

It's like Oprah says,

"for every one of us

that succeeds, it's

because there's somebody

there to show you the way out.

The path to knowledge is

never without a price.

- Look, you know I would love to be

there, but i... -don't wanna come.

- Got it. -No, no. I wanna come.

I cannot come.

Angela's parents

hate me as it is.

If I blow off another dinner,

it'll be world war III.

- You're being stupid. You love my

debate parties. -Yeah, I thought

you missing a presidential

debate was like

- a Brangelina baby not

being adorable. -Hmm.

Seriously, you know Vince and

I've been planning for weeks.

- I know. -Oh, hey. Check it out.

It's her.

God, I barely recognize her.

- Why isn't she wearing glasses?

- She got Lasik, okay?

I don't see what's so hot

about her in the first place.

- Yeah, I gotta go "work

hot" on this one. -Guys

guys, she's, like,

hot-hot.

I admit, I kind of

wanna touch her hair

but she's no Elisa

from tech support.

That's true.

I'd do her in a second.

- I'd do her in a second. -Everyone

would do Elisa in tech support.

- In fact, I think most have.

So what? -Are you okay?

Charlie, is this

a "sexy librarian" thing?

'Cause even putting club clothes

on a woman with that little makeup

is not gonna get hot

out of "work hot."

I don't know how many

times I have to say this,

club clothes, unattractive.

I mean, she's

jeans and t-shirt.

She doesn't need makeup. She's

just as hot out of work,

as she is in it.

Maybe hotter.

- Oh, she's really nice.

- She does seem nice.

I bet she'd let her boyfriend

come to my debate party.

Oh, my god. I don't know what

Vince has been telling you

while Angela and I

might be in a rut right now

I don't need it

from the peanut gallery.

- Okay.

- Oh. What about her?

- Okay, so then she's fired.

- Oh, totally.

She's gone.

Who's next?

Okay, only, uh...

17 more to go.

- Andrew Feldman.

- Who?

Is that that douchey old guy who

sits next to the copy room?

No, you're thinkin' of Juliana.

Andrew's the vomiter

from last year's white

castle eating contest.

Right! Yes! Double-stacker.

Cool guy.

All righty.

Is white castle guy

the next one to get laid off?

My sources say...

No.

Oh, man!

That dog!

Oh, no!

I totally could've made that

kid cry at his exit interview.

- All right. Next.

- Oh! Speak of the devil.

Miss Juliana McCarthy!

Come on down!

Is douchey old guy

gettin' the boot?

It is...

Decidedly so!

Hey, guys, um...

In regards to Juliana,

I realize from

an efficiency perspective

the eight-ball

may be faster,

but she's good with clients.

- And she's got kids. -You wanna

do two-outta-three or something?

- Look...

- Charlie.

Chu... Charlie. Um...

If it's not one douchey old guy with

kids it's gonna be another one,

and if we don't fire her today,

in this economy,

we're gonna do it

tomorrow or next week.

So...

I mean, it's not personal.

It's just business.

Even so, it feels like

we're screwing people

- without considering the facts.

- Come on, guy.

There's a lot of money to

be made in screwing people

without considering facts.

Have you never made

a health insurance claim?

Look, it's supply and demand.

Right now, there is an

over-supply in the system

that needs to get flushed out.

But, hey, if you

really want to save

this sorry-sack's job, you can

just offer up your own, my man.

No reason why the name on top of

that severance package can't change

- just like that.

- You're serious?

Thank you so much

for your question.

Just a great, great question,

and I understand

your frustration.

You see, my friends, it's this

kind of political cow-towing

to the special interests

that causes good people

like my dear friend,

Linda Lafferty,

a political pawn

from hocking, Ohio

to hate big-spending

earmarks with all her heart.

Especially those,

I might add, put forth

by non-natural-born

American citizens.

Bollocks!

Absolute bollocks!

That accusation's

preposterous, governor.

And I, for one,

can't stand for it.

- Yeah, no sh*t. -Oh.

You're at the bar.

- Yeah. I needed a drink.

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