Better Off Single Page #5

- Yeah, tell me about it.

Oh. Lip gloss.

Your folks hit traffic?

May I remind you, we're operating

under rules you signed off on.

- I afraid... -i can't

help but point out

that I am the only

one in this room

- wearing a flag pin. -Come on, guys.

Enough already.

With my alotted ten minutes,

so if you'll just

give me that, gentlemen...

Charles? Charles?

Your shirt.

- Chuck!

- Jesus. Angela.

- It's been kind of a tough day.

- Yeah?

So long a day that you

forgot to wear the shirt

we talked about this morning

that my mom gave you

- for your birthday?

- Oh, sh*t.

- Yeah. "Sh*t."

- I...

- Two, three, four.

- Doom and gloom...

Gentlemen...

Gentlemen, please!

Another vodka tonic, sir?

Uh, he will have a vodka soda

and I will have a Martini dry.

My opponent has

spent two hours...

Angela, is this

really necessary?

- I don't wanna fight with you.

- I don't wanna fight neither.

- Bring it down. -It probably

hasn't been the best day

to have your parents talk at me.

Hang in there tonight, okay?

- Great friend. Great patriot.

- And if you can do me a favor

please don't get them

started on politics.

You, sir, are a douchebag.

I'm sorry,

that is not happening.

Such a shame, really.

You limousine liberals

with all your regulations.

Oh, dad! You know

it's not like that.

Oh, please, honey.

It is just like that.

First off, I have to hire

all of these unqualified

affirmative action workers

and, now, all of a sudden

I got the gay patrol

up my ass with their rainbows

telling me about

getting married.

What's that gonna cost my

insurance rates, these days?

We're already paying for

maternity leave, aren't I?

- Well, never mind the immigrants.

- Yeah.

Do you know, just the other

day, Margot Pendergast

told me that her nanny,

Consuela... or was it Alejandra?

I don't know. One of those

Mexican names you cannot spell.

Anyway, she actually asked for

mother's day as a vacation day.

Can you imagine, mother's day?

Sweetheart, this is

what I'm talking about.

They come to this country

and they want it all.

They want the American dream.

Why here do they want the

American dream is my question?

What are you supposed

to do on mother's day

- two toddlers and no nanny?

- -Incroyable!

Arriba, arriba!

Everybody's against

us rich folks, nowadays.

People like you, Charles.

People with petty,

little equal rights problems.

- she's fired. -What

the f*** is that noise?

I remind you that we are operating

under rules that you signed off on.

- Gentlemen, please. -Can I

ask you again, Charles...

Is this a sexy librarian thing?

Another vodka tonic, sir?

My sources say, no.

- Do they ever!

- Ever!

Yeah, there's a lot of money

to made in screwing people.

Resulting in your eternal

damnation straight to hell.

Decidedly so!

- You need to quit your bitching.

It's not like...

Two daughters and no nanny.

The names on that severance package

can be changed just like that.

I quit my job today.

- You did what?

- Well, not really quit.

They offered me

a layoff and I took it.

- Seriously. -Is this

some sort of joke?

- No.

- Well, Charles, um...

Why on earth would you

do such a foolish thing?

Oh, see. I don't think

it's that foolish.

- Okay.

- I just thought,

"isn't it better

to stop lying to myself?"

Mm. Like this

tastes like sh*t.

Uh, ooh, could we please

get a bottle of vodka

and a bottle of tonic?

- I'm just kidding.

I mean, this guy.

You know, it's kind of like

what Oprah says about luck,

- isn't it? -I gotta

say you're really not

- making a whole lot of sense.

- What is he talking about?

No, it's perfect. It's when

preparation meets opportunity.

- Right, honey?

- What the f***?

You know, honey,

I always knew there was

something wrong with this guy.

- Whoa. Whoa. Wrong with me?

- "Whoa. Whoa."

- There's nothing wrong with me.

- Oh.

Maybe there is

something wrong with me.

I have a pretty good

idea, Ron. Do you?

Charles, stop.

Sweetie, I think your

parents are more than happy

to sit here and smile

while I talk at them.

Right back at ya, pal.

I'm sorry...

"converse with them."

- Hmm. -We could all

converse, right?

About how Margot's nanny

wants to spend mother's day

with her own kids.

You remember the nanny, right?

She's the immigrant

who pays taxes, takes a job that

Margot clearly doesn't want...

Namely, raising Margot's kids...

Jesus Christ.

The balls on this guy.

- Yeah. -Pal, let me

tell ya something.

You got a lot of nerve

talking like that

- when you're a guest at my table.

- I'm sorry.

- Your table?

- Oh, I'm sorry.

Charles, are you gonna pay

- for a change?

Really, Ron?

Really?

You'd allow me to do that?

'Cause as of right

now we're currently under

the "you-pay" status quo

which is a...

Truly great arrangement,

by the way.

You pay and I get to sit here

and listen to you talk about

how gay people shouldn't have

the right to get married.

It's truly enlightening.

Why stop there? I bet we

could get all the queers

to sit at the back of the bus.

Drink at their own

water fountain.

Or, hell, I bet that we

could get them to speak in

their own governmentally

mandated dialect.

- Well, okay, Charlie.

- I sure enough hopes

one day I's gonna gets me

to be a house homosexual

'cause bein' a field

homosexual just ain't no fun.

- Charles!

Mom, dad, I'm so sorry.

I don't know

what's gotten into him.

My parents brought us

to this lovely dinner.

This is not the kind of

treatment that anyone deserves.

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

No one deserves

to be treated this way.

That's why you folks will never

have to deal with it again.

- There you go, Ron.

Thank you, sweetheart...

For everything.

You know,

for a while there, we...

We really were somethin'.

Oh, my god. Are you getting back out there?

Are you dating?

I haven't really

put myself out there.

I did do this speed-dating

thing last week.

Speed dating? Are people

still speed dating?

- People are still speed dating?

- Was it fun?

Yeah, well,

you get about a minute

before you move on to the

next person, so I thought

just put yourself out there,

just go for it.

- That makes sense.

- Which was all fine

until the first woman

that I talked to

woman number...

Woman number 24.

- She was hard of hearing.

- Lucky number twenty...

As in disability

hard of hearing?

Oh, you betcha.

And when my...

My whole opening line was about

how I was excited to be there

'cause I was finally having a

chance to get away from my wife...

- Yeah, funny.

- Which is funny, right?

- Yes, yes. -She just meets me

with a completely deadpan "what?"

"What" because she can't hear me

not "what" because

she's pissed at me.

At this point she said nothing

about being hearing impaired.

So, I just thought

she was annoyed and...

- Oh!

- Anyway.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't laugh.

- That's fine. -That's

not... oh, god.

She's still friended me

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