Better Off Single Page #6

on Facebook, so...

Oh, well, good.

At least there's that.

- You know how to get in

touch with her? -Yes.

God, Charlie. I know

that it sucks out there.

It does, but I know that

she's out there for you

- and I don't want you to miss her.

- Did I mention my cataracts?

- They're just, like, full...

- Hey, babe! Over here.

- Oh, hey, babe! -Oh.

What's her name again?

- I have no idea.

- We're all at the zoo

because of your

fiance's patient

- and you don't remember her name?

- It's a kid. Who cares?

- Stupid kid name. -I'm sure her

parents forget all the time.

If I remember your kid's

name is Jonathan,

all that means is before

I threw away that stupid

lame ass birth

announcement you sent me

I typed the words "Jonathan"

into the address book

of my Phonebook,

and I reviewed those notes

before I may go out for dinner.

Which, likely, is probably

only the second dinner

we've had in three years

due to the fact

that you gave birth

to little Jonathan

in the first place

and forgotten all about

me and our friendship

yet, I'm the a**hole

because I can't remember

the name of the person

who stole my friend

and who doesn't bother to put

down the toy that I gave him

to come over and say hi to me

when I come over to visit.

I don't think so.

Have you ever

considered therapy?

- Me!

- Love you.

- Angry! Angry!

- Okay!

All right there,

you beautiful young one.

- Oh, my god. Is this it?

- You know it, baby girl.

- Holy sh*t, it's the banker habitat.

- It's amazing!

I could've sworn,

aren't bankers endangered?

It's really fascinating,

actually.

Apparently, it took years

to catch the first few,

but once they figured out how to

get them to mate in captivity,

- now all the zoos are starting to feature 'em.

- They're kinda scary.

- Ferocious. -Wanna know

the most incredible part?

After zookeepers tried

everything... piles of cash

for them to play in,

bowls of coke...

Everything... they're

totally immune to porn.

Turns out all they had to

do was call the females

"interns" and little banker

babies started shooting out

of those habitat board rooms

faster than Lehman brothers

became synonymous with welfare.

Man, that's so crazy. Feels kinda

cool to be this close to 'em.

It's really cool, but it's

good we're not any closer.

Word is, they like

to throw their own sh*t.

Poop. Throw

their own poop.

Ladies and gentlemen,

as I have said

many times before,

and as I now will say again,

your unemployment forms

will not be deemed complete

by answering the questions with

"please see rsum attached."

Do not ignore this warning if

you want anyone in this room

to ever leave it.

Yo, man.

Come on.

Oh, geez.

- Need one of these. -More

than I ever thought possible.

- Well, then you're in luck.

- Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Tough crowd.

Seriously.

You'd think you'd

at least get sympathy

for being unemployed.

I guess there's really no such

thing as a free lunch, huh?

You're not kidding. You should see

how much I charge for this pen.

- How much?

- 50 bucks a day.

- Wow. Steep. -Yeah. Little

steep for people unemployed.

I think so.

Attention, attention!

Having watched the required

"jobs:
Yes!" Slideshow

and having filled in

your benefit forms,

you're nearly finished with

today's mandatory session.

The first three hours

were so much fun.

- They were, weren't they?

- Yeah.

We have randomly selected

from the collect forms

the names of ten people

who are to participate

with one of our

employment specialists

in an additional

45-minute session.

Who knows? Maybe you'll

even find that job

today.

- Any questions?

- Yeah.

What bribe gets you

to not call my name?

Okay, if you are

not one of the ten names called,

- you will be free to go.

- "The almighty tells me

he can get me out of this mess,

but he's pretty sure

you're f***ed."

"Braveheart"?

- Mr. Edward hart.

- F***!

I want you to know,

whatever happens

we'll always have Paris.

- Miss Barbara Robbins.

- "Casablanca." Nice.

- Mr. Charles Carroll.

Hey! How ya doin'?

Mmm. No.

Too work-like.

You look like a friend of mine.

Thanks, that's new.

You look really nice tonight.

You look really nice too.

You look really familiar.

I know.

Can I buy you a drink?

Hey.

Oh, hey.

Hey.

How you doing?

How you doing?

This is my first time here too.

Hey there.

How you doin'?

I'm pretty good.

How are you?

- I love this place.

- I'm sorry,

what's your name again?

- That's funny, I never touch the stuff.

- I don't eat meat.

- I don't eat meat.

- Definitely don't eat meat.

- I don't drink.

- I'm a street performer.

- A lawyer.

- Into safety words.

- Kafka.

- Condiments.

Hats.

Not all drugs, just some drugs.

- I mean, I get it.

- That and cocaine.

- You must be Indian.

- Penis and all that.

- I don't really wanna talk to people.

- Did is say that out loud?

I voted for bush...

Twice.

- What do you mean...

- You don't...

have a job?

God, you sound

just like my boyfriend.

Leone, party of four!

I'm convinced every sane

woman in this city is taken.

- So f***in' dramatic.

- I'm tellin' ya

- these women are psycho.

- -Oh, my god.

They can't all be that bad.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm the only person in the

world who hates small talk.

Dude, everyone hates small talk.

- So what? -Really? Why

do I feel like my head

is gonna explode in a hurricane

of generic questions?

- Where are you from?

- Where do you work?

- Where did you go to school?

- You know,

the "am I better

than you" questions.

Asking those is how you know

you're a new yorker.

How much do you pay

for your apartment?

- How many square feet?

- What was your broker's fee?

I think this place

is owned by the same guy

that owns Balthazar.

- You ever take a date there?

- It's not that bad.

I'm sorry. What?

- I think it is that bad.

- Oh, sh*t.

Oh, yeah.

Incomplete parties

will not be seated.

Okay, Charlie.

You know what?

I'm your friend.

I love you.

We all love you

but you know

what your problem is?

- You.

- Excuse me?

Excuse you. Look, you're

certainly not the first guy

to think he's some big deal for

getting a lot of dates in this town.

That doesn't mean you have

any idea what you're doing

when you're out with these women.

Thank you.

Any guy with an American express

card and a pulse can get a date.

There's like half a million

more single women than men.

It's just that when

you're out on these dates

it takes two to tango.

That's all I'm saying.

- I am starving. Should I check

with the hostess... -just face it.

We're never getting in.

And here's a new

thought for you, I...

- Am not the problem. -I

don't even know why I try.

Way to be introspective.

- Way to be open-minded.

- I don't even know why

- I'd expect anything else.

- Yeah, you're completely wrong.

- I cannot even believe

you think that.

You know what?

Whatever.

I'm gonna go talk

to the hostess.

- Okay.

- Okay.

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