Better Off Single Page #7

Beyond that though, you've

got an even bigger bugaboo

- since you're also

not having sex.

- You're the one who said he hates small-talk.

- He's got a point.

If you're not having sex,

you don't have

the proper confidence.

Without that, you're sunk.

Oh, so I should just

have sex then.

- Yes. -Without question.

Easy as pie

- as soon as you do one simple thing.

- What's that?

- Lower your standards.

- Unbelievable.

Don't look at me like that.

It's downright

insulting to women

if you don't try to have

sex with them.

She may say no, but at least

she gets the pleasure

of having to have

to give you the old Heisman.

- Oh, my god.

- Look no one knows why this is.

Men are f***ing disgusting.

How a woman

could even be with a man

- is a miracle to us all.

- Hetero guys for sure,

but let's face it, all guys

lose their sense

of mojo without copulation.

- Stupid, but true. -Bingo! And

this is not rocket science.

This is man-woman, part-part,

plug-and-play.

You don't think

she's very smart?

Fine, but she's attractive?

Have sex with her.

You don't like her politics,

her taste in shoes,

her pronunciation of her name,

her inability to read,

speak in complete,

fully-formed sentences,

load dishwasher,

pass f***in' gas... but you

think she's kinda nice,

have sex with her.

Have sex with her and a few

other chicks like her.

Then walk into

a date with a woman

you actually do like

carrying a brand-new mojo.

The confident, "I have sex

all the time, mother f***er,

so get up on this dick" mojo,

then have sex with that chick...

hell, maybe even marry her.

I don't know.

What I do know.

We will all be a lot happier

waiting in this line next week

talking about something other than

your f***ing lacking-sex-life.

I know this is hard to hear.

I get it.

But that's why I'm tellin' you.

We love you.

All right? We love you, Charlie.

So just listen up.

Hey, so we're not having brunch

but listen to

the advice from this guy.

- Hmm. -You give the

best advice ever.

Mmm!

Look, Charlie,

just be nice to these women.

Okay? Embrace them

for who they are.

Right. Straight

outta sing sing.

- Oh!

- Ha! Found it!

- Oh. -What's vodka

without limes, right?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Cheers.

Vodka tonics

and I are like...

Oh, I only had soda.

I hope that's okay.

It's fine.

It's fine.

It's just fine.

Soda's just fine.

Your apartment's nice.

- Thanks.

- Yeah. Sure.

Um, I bet you get really

nice light in here.

- Hmm. -And you had a

low broker's fee.

Um, Charlie...

Are you okay?

Fine. Fine.

You are just fine.

You are just motherfucking fine.

Don't be conflicted.

Don't be weird.

You go in there, you drink

your vodka-goddamn-soda,

you take that woman's

clothes off,

and you get your mojo back.

Oh, hey.

Mary, it's kind of dark.

I can't really see you.

Don't worry, tiger.

I've got you covered.

Ha-ha!

Like that.

- Oh.

More personal than

intercourse, my ass!

What makes you so entitled to

make that request, anyway?

Yeah. Excuse me,

but I am not aroused

by triggering my gag reflex.

- No woman is a f***ing sex slave.

- No more crap about semen

- being good for your hair

or your skin, either. -No.

It's not good for anything except

for when it comes out your dick,

- it's good for you. -Can you

believe the son-of-a-b*tch

- ate asparagus last night?

- Oh, my god!

- Asparagus.

- You sick f***!

What is pineapple juice

beneath you?

I'm sorry, but I like it.

It's delicious and refreshing.

It doesn't make

my p*ssy taste bitter.

- Maybe you enjoy demeaning women.

- I wax my f***ing p*ssy

and you can't wax

your f***ing dick!

No, you can't wax your dick.

- You enjoy demeaning women? -F***ing

blowj*bs and television sports!

- You motherf***er! TV is all you care about.

- That's all you care about.

Nobody cares about

your f***ing fantasy teams.

- Turn it off and take out the trash!

- Turn it off.

- Oh, Christ.

Do you know how many

"do-not-answers"

- I have this week alone?

- No, I don't. I don't.

Corinne Makinen, do not answer.

Julia Cunningham, do not answer.

"Blind date girl,"

"hot coffee chick"

Internet dates 13-37... wanna know

what comes up when they call?

- "Do not answer," betting.

- "Do not answer." Yeah.

About the only phone call I can

take these days is from my mom.

All she ever want to know is

when am I gonna get another job?

Sh*t, man.

Even when you call

all I can ever think about is the

happiness that you've found with Kathy.

- Thanks, man. -And about

how, one day, I'll die

having never found

that kind of love myself.

Okay, we're gonna

stop this conversation

but, I gotta say,

relationships are hard.

The one thing I'm not

gonna do is sit here

and listen to how easy

everybody else has it.

I've said this before,

but I'm gonna say it again.

You gotta quit tryin'

so god damn hard.

Treat women like basketball.

No more no-look passes

through traffic trying

to get the easy layup.

Let the game come to you.

Play good defense.

Limit your turnovers. Get the

open look of the broken play.

- Hit the shot. -I'm like a one-armed

wilt Chamberlain out there.

Okay. No. You may be right.

I'm no expert.

Instead of coming up with a solid

game plan aimed at victory

it's probably better

to complain instead.

I'm sorry, man.

I know you're right.

You know?

- I just...

- No, look. I get it.

I do. Look,

I feel for ya.

I'm really glad that we had

this little talk, but, uh...

If it's okay with you...

How 'bout I get married?

It sure has been a long time.

Congratulations.

Thank you. I'm sure they'll

have many happy years together.

Now, you two,

don't be strangers.

You're not gonna get

away from us just yet.

Not without us first seeing that

young lady friend of yours.

Oh, yes! We haven't seen her tonight.

What was her name?

- Angela.

- Angela! That's right.

- Such nice hair and skin.

- And so sweet.

- Just go.

- Hey!

- Where can we find her?

- Okay. Okay. -I'm sorry.

Would you excuse me?

- Guys, no! -You know, you

have "resting b*tch face"

- but I have something for you.

- You arrogant punk.

- I will throw you out on your ear!

- Hey, hey, hey!

Hey, hey. Fellas, fellas.

We are at a wedding.

A wedding of two people

we love very much.

Which is why we are

going to keep our heads.

Just for one day, hmm? We're

gonna have a very nice time.

We're gonna enjoy this wonderfully

generous open bar, okay?

I'm sorry, sir. Could you please give Mr.

Tucker another drink?

Here you go.

And...

We're gonna apologize.

Now, that's what I'm

talkin' about right there.

That's a wonderfully hospitable gesture.

Wouldn't you say?

Adorable!

What is wrong with you, Brice?

You don't think he's adorable?

You're a member of the wedding

party, for Christ sake.

You can't avoid an all-out brawl

by, what, your third drink?

- F***er sat in my chair.

- He sat in your chair?

He's the father

of the goddamn bride.

All right. Whatever.

He should know better.

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