Better Off Single Page #8

Just for the record,

this is my fourth drink.

You could try to be, like,

this much less of an a**hole.

- Oh, please. -You wanna

do this narcissistic sh*t

on your own time, be my guest.

But at least try not to do

it at your friend's wedding.

- Hmm? -You're one to talk.

You don't think

your self-involved

brooding over every chick

- you've ever dated since birth is getting old?

- You know what?

- F*** you, dude.

- Oh, sh*t.

What's with the potty-mouth

all of a sudden?

I do have a potty-mouth and this

potty-mouth is sick of your sh*t.

My sh*t? 'Cause you

would never cause a scene

at a friend's wedding,

would you?

- You're a dick.

- Christ, dude.

Your ex didn't waste any time

getting her sh*t back together.

- What's your problem? -What

are you talking about?

Like you don't know

Angela got engaged.

The carrots are sh*t.

You're a nice guy, man.

Okay? A little boring,

but Vince likes you

so you can't be that bad, but...

You gotta get

your sh*t together.

Here.

Do us both a favor

suck on one of those for a little

while and just keep quiet.

We got a nice, long night ahead of us.

We're gonna calm down

shake it off, drink some drinks

smoke some stogies and crush

oh, yeah.

A little ass.

Hoo-ah! Good talk.

This is yours.

I'd like to propose a toast

to my best buddy, Charlie,

who, god help us all,

- is about to give

his best man speech.

To Charlie Carroll!

When I first met Charlie, I

thought he was a complete idiot.

Then he opened his mouth...

And proved me right.

Come on, Charlie.

Come on up here.

- Charlie!

Hold on, now, Charlie. Where's

that young lady friend of yours?

Yes, Angela.

Such a pretty girl.

Did I mention, my new fiance's

got a really big dick.

Quite a bit more sizeable

than yours, Charles.

I definitely love

middle-of-the-night sex with him.

Little guy.

You sick...

- You shouldn't be giving a speech.

- Oh, god.

That'd be the perfect way to hear about

every chick you've dated since birth.

Probably better

to complain instead.

- Where do you work?

- Any man with a pulse

- and an American express can get a date.

- Where Di you go to school?

Asparagus!

- Yeah, I don't eat meat.

- Where did you go to school?

Because something's

wrong with him.

- Anybody can see that.

- Way to be introspective.

Right, 'cause you would never cause

a scene at a friend's wedding?

You know what your problem

is Charlie? You.

- To Kathy and Vince.

Hey, that was a really

amazing speech you gave.

Thank you very much.

I wish I could remember it.

- Wow.

- Yeah.

I've never seen an entire

crowd in tears like that.

And the way you delivered it

like, almost catatonic at times.

It was... it was moving,

to say the least.

Well, here's to what alcoholics

refer to as a "moment of clarity."

You don't, uh...

Recognize me, do you?

It's okay.

It'll come to you.

"Maybe not today,

maybe not tomorrow

- but soon and for the rest

of your life." -Holy sh*t.

- Oh, my god. -Thought bogie'd

shake it out of you.

- Yeah, it's okay. Lorelei, by the way.

- Charlie.

I... I didn't ask

for you number that day.

I've been regretting

it ever since.

Really?

I did not see that coming.

I swear to god.

True story.

You... you were

so charming.

- Infinitely better

than yes!" Video. -Oh.

- That was a good one.

- So, please, um...

Accept my apology

for my non-attempt

it was... clearly

uncalled for.

Well, now that I've heard

the part of your speech

where vegetarianism

abandoned you.

Holy cow, by the way.

You know, maybe

I can let this one slide.

Well, I won't make that

mistake twice, so, you know.

- Beware.

- Well.

Although, I must say

that you're lucky

'cause a girl, not quite

as confident as me, might

worry or wonder why a guy or

gentleman, such as yourself

didn't ask for her number.

She could wonder

for a whole ten minutes.

- Could leave a scar.

- Oh, scars.

Well, that is something

that I know a lot about.

But, to be honest,

there's nothing to wonder.

You, i...

God, I was thrilled with.

Me, on the other hand,

then, not so much.

- Mr. damaged goods.

- Oh!

I should put that

on my driver's license.

- Definitely should. The rebound.

- Yeah.

Of course, compounded

by the job situation.

I'm still unemployed,

by the way,

but I'm sure you can understand.

No, actually,

I got a job a few months ago.

- But you get it.

So, um...

I was getting out of this

relationship with this girl Angela,

and, I don't know,

the thing about Angela...

The thing about her is...

She's in the past.

And I live here in reality.

It's great to see you,

by the way.

It's great to see you too.

I love this song.

No, seriously,

do you remember this song?

- Yeah, how could I forget it?

- Back in the day.

- I adore this song.

- That's good.

- I used to roller skate to this song.

- Shut up.

- Yeah. Totally did. -I used

to roller skate to this song.

- Okay. -I swear. Yeah.

"Backward skate.

Backward skate only please.

Backward skate.

Reverse."

Oh. Yeah.

I remember that.

But, you know, I can

probably do you one better.

"Couples skate only, please.

Couples skate only.

All other skaters

please clear the floor."

Now, I know what

you're thinking.

But the point here isn't Lorelei

turning out to be the one.

No, for me, that weekend

it was good enough

to see some old friends

united with their "ones."

A nice reminder to help

get me on my way.

Interestingly, however

even though it took

some time off relaxing,

attaining the finer

appreciation for introspection

finding a therapist willing to

discard Ibizan philosophies

in exchange for more helpful,

Swedish techniques...

And, of course, getting a

well-earned case of the clap.

I finally got my act together,

created a bit of my own luck

and faced life,

at long last, happier.

- To me, really,

that's the crazy part.

Rather than putting on a show to

create psychological band-aids,

going out of our way

to hide our feelings,

perhaps we can start

by taking comfort

in the experiences themselves...

Both good and bad.

The ones that come

with loving another person...

And being lucky enough

to be loved in return.

Life's valleys...

And, especially, life's peaks.

Feeling them at their fullest

and reminding us

why it's so great

simply being alive

in the first place.

Living live filled with

love... real love...

That we get to feel.

Honoring the rare treasures

of those relationships

by simply sitting back...

Being thankful for our lives...

And enjoying the ride.

At least, I think

that's what Oprah says.

Hey, give me a hand,

buddy. Okay, come on.

All right.

Good-bye, Charles.

See ya.

Let's see what he left me.

That'll cover the drinks.

You know, uh, in America,

we're gentlemen.

Gentlemen give each other

time to speak.

So, if you'd...

Just let me finish.

Leone, party of four.

Leone? Party of four.

Leon? Leone?

Leone, party of four.

Yeah, it's catchy

like the clap, all right.

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