Better Than Chocolate Page #4

Mom...

And you still haven't explained to me

why you left school.

I hated it there.

I might want to try

something else like, writing.

- Writing?

- Maybe.

Margaret, there is

no future in the arts.

You will need something

to fall back on.

Like Michael?

I'm sorry...

I'm sorry, Mom.

I...

Mom, just because you stopped

singing opera or whatever,

doesn't mean that I have

to be like you.

I'm different.

In fact, I'm very different...

I'll say you're different, you're...

- look what you're wearing.

- What?

You will never get

a boyfriend dressed like that.

- Mom...

- Okay?

And I'm not very happy

about that hole in your navel.

I know,

I know what you need.

I brought you something.

Mr. Snugly!

Oh baby, do you remember

when you couldn't sleep without him?

Mom, I can sleep without him

just fine now, trust me.

Well...

Thanks.

Mommy-o...

Mommy-o, is this like

a Grateful Dead thing or what?

Granite counters and a very cozy

but spacious breakfast nook.

And, of course, outside the tile patio

for outdoor dining when weather's nice

with the lattice and the planting

for that illusion of privacy.

And they're exactly like this.

We only have six.

Let me show you upstairs...

because I just know

you're going to love the bedroom.

I think you're right

about the colors, Lila.

Well, you need intensity, Judy,

to compliment your personality.

- Decorative borders?

- Kind of Matisse-y?

You know, one color combination

I simply adore...

I saw it on a silk ribbon once.

It was taupe and lime.

Yummy.

Come and see the view.

Oh, you're going to die.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Don't you love it?

So, what do you do, Judy?

I sing, in a club.

- You're a singer?

- Just old standards.

How wonderful! Well, please...

sing something for me.

"We'll find a perfect peace,

where joys never cease... "

"somewhere beneath the starry skies. "

"We'll build a sweet little nest,

somewhere in the West... "

"And let the rest

of the world go by. "

That was lovely.

Oh, oh, you know,

I never really had any talent.

I never let that stop me.

Here we go.

Lila,

I want to ask your advice.

My advice?

Me?

Love advice.

Woman advice.

Well, I think you've come

to the wrong place for that...

I mean, you'd have to ask me

for advice on how to end up alone.

No.

Now, I'm very attracted

to this... person...

but I'm not getting anywhere.

What's his name?

Frances?

"Francis"... what a lovely,

old fashioned name.

That's sort of the problem.

Lunge at it.

- Really?

- That's my new philosophy.

If you really want something,

you lunge at it.

What if it doesn't work out?

Well, in my experience,

things don't really work out anyway.

I give up.

How about some cocoa?

We gotta go, Mom.

You're going out?

Margaret, it's after ten.

Yeah, well, in some places

the night's just starting.

- Have a good time.

- Thanks.

Roses... roses.

Anybody want a rose?

Oh, sorry.

Oh, you want a rose?

No.

Do you want one?

Well, actually, I was thinking

about something else.

You know,

it's really hard having sex

when your mother's sleeping

in the next room.

Oddly enough,

it's really hard to have sex

when you make so much noise.

Okay, come on, honey!

This is great.

Hey, look who I found when I came

to see if you girls wanted to play.

Looks like you've been

playing already.

Are you accusing us

of having sex in the bathroom?

I hear it's all the rage.

Paul, I...

Carla gave me a ride

on her motorcycle. Carla!

Maggie, Maggie. I bought a condo

from your mother today.

Oh, she is such a sweetheart.

And I've finally sent

that invitation to my parents!

I never thought I'd see the day.

I can't talk right now.

I am on in like, five seconds.

God, I can't believe

Carla brought Paul here.

He's only seventeen.

He's not even consenting age.

Looks like he's consenting to me.

Hey, everybody,

if you'd please take your seats.

Our very own...

Judy Squires!

"I'm not...

a f***ing drag queen,"

"I'm in another bracket. "

"What you see before you... "

"is not some midnight racket. "

"Nothing here is padded... "

"I've paid a mighty fortune. "

"A few things have been added... "

"and one to two subtractions. "

"I'm not a f***ing drag queen,"

"I won't let you forget it. "

"When you say, "Good day, Sir!"

you stab me all the way through,"

"my tender,

transgender heart. "

"And if you happen to be gay... "

"you could show a little

heart and understanding. "

"Instead of twittering and whispering

and pointing Judas fingers"

"like a bunch of cunning linguists

at some gender crucifixion. "

"And if you think I'm such a freak,"

"there's no need to cut me down

and put me in my place. "

"You may just want to take a look

at why your pants are oh, so wet"

"and your knees like castanets,

are giving you away. "

"I'm not a f***ing drag queen,"

"I don't wear foot-long lashes. "

"Don't wear a pound of make-up... "

"or seventeen tiaras!"

"I don't want your

five dollars... "

"Before this song is over. "

"Don't want your...

"How's it going, man!"

No, no, no.

"Miss Squires"

will do nicely. "

"'Cause, I'm not

a f***ing drag queen,"

"so please don't be so rude. "

"I'll break your

f***ing legs, sir... "

"and then I'll pirouette while

I mend my transgender heart!"

"Can't you just say, "yes, dear"...

and "she" and "her" and "sister"...

"to my tender,

transgender heart. "

That was great, really.

Family life's starting

to get really weird.

Yeah, I bet they didn't

teach you this in Sex Ed.

Well, consider me

"Dr. Carla" at your service.

What's with all those dildo things?

Oh, they used to be a political no-no,

but now it's just a radical sex thing.

Of course, I've always done

exactly what I wanted to do.

Girls have to improvise,

you know?

I like a cucumber,

but they can get really slippery.

Boys like toys too, you know.

- This is for boys?

- Um-hmmmm.

- What is it?

- A butt plug.

It's okay honey,

I bleach it.

Frances, I'm in love with you

and I'm lunging until I get you.

This isn't a good place...

time, to lunge.

I'm under a lot of pressure

with this Customs thing.

I know.

I'm lunging anyway.

Judy, I have never been

what you'd call sexually adventurous.

You don't have to be.

I'll take that on.

I mean I've never had a threesome,

I've barely had twosomes.

I have had three girlfriends,

all of whom were exactly like me.

I'm exactly like you.

I know your favorite writer

is Gertrude Stein...

and I love Gertrude Stein.

And not just the readable Stein.

I was an English Major...

my thesis was on Stein's

"The Geographical History of America. "

"I think if you announce

what you see...

"Then nobody can say no. "

Wow.

- Do you like to...

- I'd love to.

- I just have to...

- ... go to the bathroom.

After you.

Hop on.

Cool.

Dykes!

I'll just go and pay the bill.

Okay.

Excuse me?

Aren't you

in the wrong place, "sir?"

I don't think so.

Shouldn't you be

in the men's washroom?

I mean, you are a man.

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