Bewitched Page #8

- Can I get your car, miss?

She doesn't need her car,

she has her broomstick.

- You think I'm nuts, don't you?

- Of course not.

I know plenty of women who

carry around collapsible broomsticks.

- I'll get the car.

- It won't be there, I sent it home.

This looks so real.

I can't even see the buttons.

It is real.

Flies too.

Oh, I'd love to see that.

- Hang on.

- What?

Put me down!

I kept trying to tell you.

It's no big deal, Jack.

- It's no big deal.

- This is a huge deal!

We can work this out.

It's just who I happen to be.

- Get away from me.

- What?

You tricked me!

You put spells on me!

Well, only a few, yes, I did.

But I took most of them off.

Help! Someone help!

Jack. I thought this would be okay.

How would it be okay?!

Because it's me. It's still me.

- I'm a little freaked out now.

- I know, but I can't change what I am.

- Are you crazy? Are you even human?

- Jack!

- Am I gonna get pregnant?

- What?

Because I can't get pregnant

right now!

How does this work?

Will I get webbed feet?

You're hurting my feelings.

Shoo! Shoo!

- Shoo?

- Shoo!

- Now you're making me angry!

- Go! Scat!

- You want me to leave?

- Yes!

- Fine!

- Fine!

- Fine!

- Fine!

Goodbye, Jack.

You jerk!

Sorry, Mr. Wyatt, I can't find her car.

So she quit. So what?

How's Jack taking all this?

Let me tell you guys something.

Jack Wyatt's like a jet fighter pilot.

Nothing rattles him.

I'm sure he's just at the gym.

Hey, okay. Stop holding my arm.

Found him picking up pennies

out of a shopping-mall water fountain.

Thank you so much, officer.

How much do I tip you for that?

- You don't tip me.

- Hey, Jack.

- Hey, all.

- Hey, big guy.

- How's it going?

- What's up, Jack?

- You all right?

- Boy.

Yeah, I'm all right.

I've never been better. Come on.

What's the bottle of ketchup for?

- Come again?

- The...

Oh. Forgot to leave it

at this diner in Mexico.

Don't freak out on us, Jack.

- You're fired.

- Classic.

- Anyone have a light?

- Yo.

- I do.

- Right here, pal.

Everybody. Let's just calm down.

We've only shot two episodes.

We've got 10 weeks before we air.

- So we recast. Piece of cake.

- Next.

I don't know. It'll be hard to find

somebody with those scores.

It's good scores, good scores.

- She's a witch.

- That's more like it.

You just keep

telling yourself that, man.

I'm fine, really.

I mean, last night I ate three burritos

and smashed every dish in my house.

Isabel. You can't let this guy

ruin your life.

They're recasting your role.

They're recasting my role already?

- Well, you quit.

- Tough town.

- I mean, like, what happened?

- He said I wasrt human.

And he waved a tree branch

at me. Like:

There must be a solution.

No, there isn't.

We're at the Coffee Bean

and there is no solution.

I love you, Jack!

Jack, I dreamt about you last night!

Jack, remember me? Amber?

Oh, my stars.

Darrirs coming home

and I haven't even made dinner.

What?

You're great. You want anything?

- Thank you.

- Thank you very much, that was...

Thank you.

Boo! Trick or treat!

You guys look great.

Happy Halloween.

Mommy!

I'm sorry I don't have any candy.

Hi, everyone, and welcome

once again to Jeopardy!

Another exciting half-hour

of answers and questions...

...with these categories

in our first round of play.

First off, "Cheese."

Next, "Things That End In '-Zing."'

I have no idea where we are.

I mean, I literally could not find

Vietnam on a map.

And now we're about to die here?

I think it's next to Argentina.

Well, at least nobody shot at us yet.

Yikes! That's not good.

"Yikes."

I think the lions are here, Atticus.

And there's Willy,

doing his famous Willy Walk.

Sherpa!

We've got to go.

Don't look at me like that.

It's the only solution.

Isabel, would you please join me

in the dining alcove? Thank you.

Daddy?

Something very odd is happening.

It's not odd, it's what you predicted.

I'm leaving.

I can't stop thinking about Iris.

You were right. I don't belong here.

I find myself uninterested in any other

woman. Now, that's not natural.

- Do you think there's a chance that...

- What?

That she might be a witch?

Don't be silly.

And she put a spell on me?

Please.

Why not? You're a witch. I'm a witch.

She could be a witch.

I guess she could.

What else could it be?

Love.

Isn't there a spell that can

make you stop crying?

No, darling, there isn't.

He's idiotic, and yet I find him

completely charming.

It's been like that

since the beginning.

Only now, I also hate him.

Love.

Daddy, what am I gonna do?

Go home.

Where's that?

Wherever you've been the happiest.

Perhaps I'll go to Aruba.

- Aruba?

- But then again, perhaps I won't.

I don't know if I'm loving my haircut.

Well, Conan, I can't believe

you're bringing this up.

No. No. No, no, no. I'm not gonna

tell that story. There's no way.

Okay, okay, if you insist.

It was last June, and I actually cast

this witch as a witch...

...and now brooms make me cry.

I can't sleep, and I don't know

what's real or what's the TV show.

Hi-de-ho!

Look what the cat dragged in.

Somebody is retaining water.

Uncle Arthur. It's you.

Oh, no, you're gonna crack the mirror,

aren't you?

You watch too much television.

- I know you'll do it. You always do.

- Don't be silly.

Come closer. Do I have something

in my teeth right there?

- Where?

- Look!

That was fun!

Where's Sammy?

Where's my Sammy?

She quit. Now, leave me alone.

But she was the one.

I know, I know.

I can't stop thinking about her.

- But she's a witch.

- Yes, and?

- Jack, you're on!

- Oh, no, I'm on.

Go get them, tiger!

- Revival of the hit series Bewitched.

You know him from such films

as Last Year in Katmandu...

...An Onion For Willy and Atticus Rex.

Please welcome our good pal,

Jack Wyatt!

Oh, my God.

It was a dream.

Thank God.

No such luck, Jackie boy.

Stay back!

Okay, okay. You are not real.

You're from the TV show.

You have blond highlights...

...and had to wear a girdle

on your last movie.

Who's calling who not real?

Okay, I do not believe this.

I am not...

You are...

- You are real.

- Temporarily.

Oh, Uncle Arthur.

You're my favorite character.

I know.

What the hell's going on?

You need help.

Your love life's a mess, buddy boy.

I know, I'm miserable.

So am I. I have been in reruns

for 32 years.

I need the sizzle of prime time!

I need to get this show back on the air.

Okay, this is very complicated

and unsettling, all right?

I don't think I understand.

Oh. All right.

Do you want the short version

or the long version?

Keep in mind that the long version

is in Aramaic.

The short version.

You got involved with a witch,

and when you do that...

...weird stuff happens.

- That's it?

- Do I have to explain everything?

Okay, here's the deal. I'm not real.

- Iris is a witch.

- Iris is a witch?

Don't dwell. And, in my opinion...

...that manager of yours, Richie...

- What?

...isn't even human.

- Now, where was I?

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