Bicentennial Man Page #2

[Continues]

[Crescendo]

Yes, yes.

Please come in.

I am so glad you called.

Mansky, Dennis Mansky.

Richard Mark.

And an NDR-114.

Now, I got your message,

but what exactly is it doing?

Well, what interests me is

he shows a number of characteristics--

like creativity,

curiosity, friendship--

that, frankly,

have taken us by surprise.

Mm-hmm.

-Andrew--

-Yes, Dennis?

Social as well.

Now I'd like to show you

something if I may.

Now, Andrew carved these.

These are

original works of art,

and last night Andrew said,

-"I enjoy making them."

-"Enjoy."

-Yes.

-Should one not use that word?

No, no. It's fine, Andrew.

See what I mean?

It's unusual, surely,

to hear a robot talk

about enjoying something.

What I want to know is,

do many of your other robots

have--have feelings like this?

Must be...

something in the pathways.

[Clears Throat]

So, then, will you be wanting

a refund or a replacement?

No, neither. I just wanted

to get your reaction to Andrew.

I wanted to know what you think.

He's unique,

wouldn't you say?

It is an anomaly.

No refund, no replacement--

How much do you want?

-I don't think I understand.

-Well,

clearly you realize

if word of this gets out,

we'll have to recall our entire line.

We're in people's homes, sir,

with their children.

If it is doing what you say,

it can also run amok.

One is not qualified

to run "mucks."

All right, sir.

If I let you have Andrew,

you'll what--

you'll disassemble him, will you?

Carefully, yes.

We would need to trace the actual course

of Andrew's neural pathways,

replace the positronic brain,

then put it--

him--back together

and return him to you, good as new.

Now, these neural pathways

are presumably fragile.

Isn't it possible, in the course

of these procedures,

that something might go wrong?

We would make

every conceivable effort.

And, in the unlikely event

that something did go wrong,

you'd, of course,

replace Andrew.

Of course.

Even though he's unique

and irreplaceable.

[Sighs]

He--His--

You s--

Well, it's a natural error--

it has human form,

therefore you read mechanical

failure as eccentricity...

and anthropomorphize it.

It is a household appliance,

and yet you act

like it is a man.

We're leaving.

Come on, Andrew.

Please, I beg you

to reconsider, Mr. Martin.

Let us examine Andrew,

talk to your wife. Name your price!

Now, listen to me.

There is no price for individuality.

He is, for better or for worse,

my robot,

and you will never

lay your hands on him--

do you understand?

All in good time.

You see, sooner or later

you'll have to bring it in for repairs.

-Andrew, I've made a decision.

-Yes, sir?

You will cut back on your workload.

You can no longer...

devote yourself entirely

to children and housework.

But one likes the children, sir,

specifically the smaller one,

Little Miss.

That is a contradiction, Andrew,

and that is exactly the sort of

thing you need to learn about.

Thank you for choosing

NorthAm Robotics.

-So we need a new regimen.

-Regimen, sir?

First of all, you'll spend part

of each day making something.

So as not to offend humans,

we'd better find something

that's not overly artistic.

Could you make other things?

I could teach you my line of work--

you know,

timepieces and clocks and so on.

One could not tell you, sir.

One has never attempted such things.

Well, you will now.

Also, you'll spend part of each evening

in instruction with me.

-And what is the purpose

of this instruction?

-To teach you, Andrew--

to teach you all the things

that haven't been programmed into you.

Andrew, you're unique.

-Unique?

-Thank you

for choosing NorthAm Robotics.

And I feel a responsibility

to help you...

become whatever

you're able to be.

And what is one

able to be?

Well, I don't know.

See, people grow

through time.

But then, of course, for you, time

is a completely different proposition.

-For you, time is endless.

-Endless?

[Chuckles]

-Is this a good piece?

-Very.

[Gulls Cawing]

-What about this one?

-Excellent.

[Tapping]

It was

a lucky April shower

It was

the most convenient door

I found

a million-dollar baby

In a five and ten cent

store

[Continues]

[Richard]

And, nine months later,

a baby is born.

And those, Andrew,

are the so-called facts of life.

People actually do this,

sir?

-Well, yes.

-And married people--

one supposes they see it

as some kind of requirement

or obligation.

Well, it--

[Clears Throat]

-it's not exactly

an obligation, Andrew.

-That's a relief.

And it is the natural

and preferable way to conceive children.

Sir, of all these millions

of sperm, only one makes it?

-That's true.

-What happens to the others?

Well, they die.

They die?

One feels badly for them.

Well, one does.

-But it's completely agreed

that it feels good--

-For both parties, sir?

In an ideal world.

-So people do it rather frequently.

-How often, sir?

-Well, as often as they can,

matter of fact.

-Ahh.

At least at first.

Sir,

-may one speak frankly with you?

-As always, Andrew.

It's just

that the whole process--

it sounds so messy.

I think

that's a fair comment.

They die.

[Richard Speaking,

Indistinct]

[Talking, Laughing Continue]

-Isn't it?

-[Giggling] What?

-[Richard] lt's called "humor."

-"Humor"?

Yes. People tell jokes

to make each other laugh.

And this laughter gives

pleasure, sir?

Yes.

Sir, could you teach one

to tell a joke?

Well, I-let's see. Um--

Two drunks walk into a bar.

Wouldn't two drunks walk

out of a bar, sir?

You walk into a bar to drink,

and you come out drunk.

Let's try something simpler, Andrew.

Um--[Clears Throat]

-Knock-knock.

-"Knock-knock"?

No, knock-knock,

someone's at the door.

-Shall one get it, sir?

-No, no. No.

Y-You say, "who's there,"

Andrew.

-Who's there, Andrew?

-No, just "Who's there?"

One does not know, sir.

Let's start with something

a little simpler, Andrew.

Why did the chicken

cross the road?

One does not know, sir.

Possibly a predator was

behind the chicken.

Or, possibly, there was

a female chicken on the other

side, if it's a male chicken.

Or possibly a food source

or, depending on the season,

it might be migrating.

One hopes there's no traffic.

To get to the other side.

"To get to the other side."

Ohhh.

Why is that funny?

-So, what do you kids have

planned for the day?

-Probably stick with Andrew.

-What about you, Miss?

-I'm gonna go play

at my friend Natalie's house.

Oh.

May one, sir?

Is now a good time?

What? A good time for what?

-Last night, Sir taught one--

-No, no, no. Don-Don't blame me,

Andrew.Just go ahead.

Thank you, sir.

Two cannibals were eating a clown.

One turns to the other and says,

"Does this taste funny to you?"

How do you make a hanky dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

What is a brunette between two blondes?

Translator.

Do you know why blind people

don't like to skydive?

It scares their dogs.

A man with dementia is driving

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