Bicentennial Man Page #3

on the freeway. His wife calls

and says, "Sweetheart,

I heard there's someone driving

the wrong way on the freeway."

He says,

"One? There's hundreds!"

What's silent, smells like worms?

Bird farts.

-[Laughing]

-It must have been an engineer

who designed the human body.

Who else would put

a waste processing plant

next to a recreation area?

A woman goes into a doctor's

office. The doctor says,

"Mind if I numb your breasts?"

-"Not at all."

"Num-num-num-num-num."

-[All Laughing]

-[Clears Throat]

-One did it, sir.

Andrew, it was fine, but

we might want to talk about...

appropriateness

and, um--and timing.

-It's 10:
15, sir.

-[Laughing]

[Humming Along]

-Oh, Andrew.

-Little Miss.

Would you like me to teach you

how to play a duet?

-Certainly.

-Come on.

Okay, ready? You start here,

and then just follow me.

-I play first, okay?

-All right.

Ready?

Your turn.

[Humming Along]

Good. Very good.

Now together.

[Humming Along]

[Ends]

That was wonderful. Thanks.

Thank you, Little Miss.

[Plays Ragtime]

Hi, Mom.

Grace, is it possible for you to find

somewhere more private to do that?

[Sighs]

No problem.

just give me your credit disc

and we'll get a hotel room.

-What did you say to me?

-Let's go.

What did you say to me,

young lady?

You get off that bike this minute,

and you are grounded!

-Get--Go on! Get out of here,

you piece of scum!

-[Laughing]

[Loud Ticking]

Richard?

Does this look right?

Hi, Mom.

-Didn't you talk to her about that boy?

-Mmm, well, not yet.

-Oh.

-But I will. [Clears Throat]

Kind-of hoping

it's a phase that'll pass,

-like the others.

-[Clocks Chiming Loudly]

[Chiming Continues]

[Chiming Ends]

I am so sick

of these damn clocks.

I've already given

half them away.

-Perhaps we should sell them.

-Sell them?

Well, it's an idea.

Well, who gets the money?

Well, I imagine we will.

But Andrew does

all the work.

-Yes, but Andrew's our--

-Then Andrew should get the money.

Andrew is a robot.

What conceivable use

would a robot have for money?

Robots don't go shopping.

Robots don't go on vacations.

Robots don't eat dinners

in fancy restaurants.

[Scoffs] I can't believe we're

having this discussion.

Dad, it doesn't matter

what he is.

Andrew deserves to benefit

from the work he does.

Sweetheart,

I will do what's right

for Andrew.

Of course I will.

But at the end of the day

we are talking about a machine,

and you can't invest

your emotions in a machine.

Right?

-[Woman] Can I get you anything?

-No, thank you.

-There you are. How are ya?

-Bill, good morning.

-This must be Andrew.

-Andrew, Bill Feingold, family lawyer.

-Andrew.

-You own one of my clocks.

This is one of my favorites.

Do you enjoy it?

Uh, yes, I do,

very much.

-I like the new office, Bill.

What floor are we on here?

-Thirty-seven.

Hmm.

Andrew, come

and have a look at this.

No, thank you, sir.

-You sure?

-No.

How can I help you?

As you know, Andrew's earned

a great deal of money

from his endeavors,

and what he really wants to do

is open his own bank account.

-A bank account

in the name of a robot?

-Mmm. Would that be legal?

I couldn't say.

There are no precedents.

I don't think there's a law

against it, but, uh--

Richard, why--why do you want

to give him a bank account?

What's he need money for?

To pay for things,

of course, which otherwise

Sir would have to pay for.

One would like

to pull one's own.

-Weight.

-For what, sir?

-Andrew.

-Yes, Little Miss?

[Gasps]

Ooh! Oh.

-Oh. Oh, I'm so sorry.

-Oh.

Not to worry.

It can be repaired.

Wow.

Oh--left.

Andrew, remember Frank,

my boyfriend?

Yes, the one your sister says

has a nice ass.

[Laughing]

Oh.

Last night--

last night he asked me

to marry him.

One gathers

that is a good thing.

-Well, I haven't said "yes" yet.

-So there is doubt.

No.

Frank is wonderful.

He's handsome.

He's reliable.

He's somebody I could spend

the rest of my life with.

I could have children with him.

Then what is the problem?

-Board?

-No, not at all.

-Not him--there.

-Oh.

Well, I have this friend...

that's very special to me.

He's just so sweet and funny,

and whenever I'm with him...

I don't want to be with Frank.

One can see that would

create a complication.

Yes.

But the answer's

staring you in the face.

Marry your friend.

-[Laughs]

-What?

Well, he's not--

I mean, h-he--

A relationship between us

would be impossible, really.

It could never work out.

-Why?

-Well, because he's not--

Because he-he'll never be--

Yes?

[Sighs]

Is something wrong?

No.

Nothing's wrong,

nothing at all.

Thank you

for listening to me.

One is glad

to be of service.

Little Miss,

what will you do

about Frank?

Accept his proposal.

Really?

Humans.

-Andrew,

-Yes?

It would mean so much to me

if you would be an usher at my wedding.

One is unfamiliar with this term.

How does one "ush"?

You help people to their seats.

You wear a tuxedo.

-One would wear clothing?

-Yes.

One has never been asked

to wear clothing.

-It would be an honor.

-Great.

[Board Clatters To Floor]

-One still is all thumbs.

-[Giggling]

Installed what?

Um, an alarm.

If you try to enter Andrew's brain

while you're making this repair,

the police will be alerted.

Also, you should probably know that--

[Clears Throat]

if you actually injure

Andrew's brain or positronic

pathways in anyway,

my lawyer, the good Mr. Feingold,

will be happy to sue you.

He will sue you

for the lost value of Andrew's

income until the end of time.

Well, I think

we understand each other.

Good. [Clears Throat]

Sir, one more item of business.

As long is one is in the shop,

can you do work on one's face?

One wishes to have

more expression.

One has thoughts and feelings

that presently do not show.

You want your thoughts and

feelings to show on your face?

Yes, like the contempt

that you are showing me right now.

Well, we have done

some experimentation.

We are able to give robots

superficial responses...

which mimic human expression.

-One has read that there have

been NDR upgrades.

-Yes, yes.

We've worked up

a dozen experimental models

with expression capabilities,

sleeker body types.

We ran some market surveys and decided

not to go ahead with the line.

-Why not?

-Negative consumer reaction.

There's a growing fear that

robots will continue to make...

the human work force obsolete.

[Clears Throat] Andrew has worked

for me for over 15 years.

There's no danger of anyone

losing their job to him.

Surely there's no concern

performing these modifications

on an old-style robot.

True.

But procedures like that would

be prohibitively expensive.

It is understood that you will attempt

to rivet one.

-Screw, Andrew.

-Really? How much?

That is roughly

one's monthly salary.

It's more than I make

in a year.

Hmm, not bad for--

-What did you call him

last time we were here?

-Household appliance.

-Household appliance?

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