Big Daddy Page #2

Leave us alone.

You're such a dick.

That was your girlfriend.

She was acting "Hooterific."

Who sent that note?

"Jan."

Jan...

I don't know any Jan.

- Where's he from?

- Where are you from?

Buffalo.

I've never even been to Buffalo.

Maybe it's a mistake.

Is this like the time

you said my parents were dead?

I swear, he's right here.

I'm coming home.

I don't know what I'll say...

Hang on. It says...

..."If you won't take responsibility

for him, they found a foster family..."

Yes, Uncle Remus,

I know the catfish are huge.

That's terrific

Here's a number for a guy...

at City Social Service

Arthur Brooks I'll call

- I'll come home

- I'll take care of it.

Are you sure?

Yeah, don't worry.

Hooters. Hooters. Hooters!

- All right. Thanks a lot.

- Later

I'm gonna make another phone call.

You want to come and sit down, pal?

Or you can stand there.

Anything you want. I'll be a minute.

Social Services

is closed today, Columbus Day

We'll be open tomorrow at 8 am

Columbus Day.

Boy, I don't know what to tell you.

Everything's gonna get

figured out tomorrow.

Can you be a tough little guy

until then?

Great.

Do I need to get you a bottle

of formula or something?

What do you eat?

Food.

Yeah? I eat food too.

What? Come on.

You need me to hold your hand?

On Mondays, I go to Central Park

and watch rollerbladers fall down.

- You into that?

- I don't know.

Watch. This guy's humming.

He's going down, he's going down,

he's going!

How old are you, anyways?

Five.

You wear a diaper?

You wipe your own ass then?

You do? Good job. That's cool.

Come on, fall down. Fall down. Yes!

Come on, damn it.

You suck. You suck!

Check this out.

My God!

There's a stick there.

Somebody should move it.

All right now, what way

would you put that on?

This Columbo, he pretends

to be stupid...

...but he's really smart as a tack.

Oh, yeah, he is.

You put the vane on down there

Then this boat comes up

I wipe my own ass.

Me too.

So, Mr. Ass Wiper,

what's this guy's name?

Scuba Steve.

Does he ever take his flippers off?

What if he goes bowling?

They don't make him wear bowling shoes?

He wears flippers?

Really?

I had a doll like that at one time.

But my cat, he bite his head off.

What cat would do that?

You calling me a liar?

Hey, take it easy.

Anyways...

...Jets are playing tonight.

We're gonna go to the Blarney Stone.

Wanna come?

I've got more deliveries.

Maybe you can also finish

the turkey on your lip.

Right there.

Let's crank up the Styx

No music during the game.

- It's halftime. Relax, Mr. Herlihy.

- Goddamn Jets.

What are you doing in here, cutie?

Watching football.

- Who do you want to win?

- The goddamn Jets.

Have fun.

Too bad you don't like girls.

I think you could've had her.

- I'm thirsty.

- You're thirsty?

Are you allowed soda?

I don't know.

My mom always said

soda rots your teeth...

...but you'll lose them

anyway, so rot on.

- Can we get two root beers?

- Sure.

When I graduated law school, we met

here every Monday to watch football.

Who would meet you?

My friends, Vanessa.

Vanessa always rooted against the team

I wanted to win just to bust my chops.

But everybody's so busy with

their crap lately, no one comes.

Like I'm not busy?

Shut up or I'll smack you

through the wall like last Monday.

Last Monday was a fluke.

Bring it on, woman.

Anytime.

He drinks a lot of soda.

I'm telling you, buddy. Vanessa,

she's the one. I can't lose her.

I'm not getting any handsomer.

Every day I get a little bit older

and balder and fatter.

Fatter?

At your age I could eat anything.

Wouldn't gain an ounce.

Now, I have a chocolate shake,

my ass jiggles for a week.

- Enjoy the metabolism while you got it.

- Metalobism?

Good God, it's 2:30 in the morning.

You must be wrecked.

Anyways, I had fun today.

Did you have fun?

Yeah, you're all right.

Have a good one.

Could I have a night-light?

Night-light? I think I can

help you out. Hang on.

Let's see here.

There you go, all right?

Are you my dad?

No, I'm not, but...

...that Dad and Mom thing

we'll figure out in the morning.

You just go to sleep.

- Good night.

- Good night.

Go get the can, okay?

Go! Go! Go!

I'm thinking about keeping the kid.

Remember when we went to

the pet store...

...and you wanted that puppy,

but I reminded you about feeding it...

...cleaning it

and toilet training it?

This is kind of like that,

except with a human.

I mean, I'm glad you had fun and all,

but this is big.

I gotta do something big.

I think Vanessa will respect that.

You think that since women get pregnant

to fix a troubled relationship...

...why can't a guy adopt a kid

to do the same?

I didn't think of it like that.

But yes, that's what I'm thinking.

Sounds nuts to me, pal.

Do yourself a favor. Sleep on it.

You're right.

Can I use your phone?

Arthur Brooks speaking.

How you doing?

Kevin Gerrity.

Right on, Mr. Gerrity

We were expecting you.

Do you still got a foster family

lined up for Julian?

Yes, we do.

I've decided to

take care of the little guy.

Way to sleep on it, pal.

You two want to get married,

I support that.

When parents take the responsibility,

there's no bigger high for us.

I'm psyched about it too

So that's it.

Yep. Good luck

to you and your son.

My son.

Goddamn stick!

That's my boy.

Go back to sleep.

Well, I'm going back to sleep.

Nighty-night.

I wet my bed.

Oh, God.

That's a shitload of piss.

There you go, all right?

No more wetness.

Sleep, all right? Just try to sleep.

Stay asleep.

Sit still!

Lay!

All right! I'm up!

It smells like urine in this joint.

Good job.

What're you doing there, boy?

Making cereal.

Oh, yeah? Why don't you

pour me a bowl?

Or don't pour me a bowl. Either way.

I got it. I got it.

We can fix this.

It's not a big deal.

Look. See?

See how quick it goes away?

Crybaby, come on.

Don't worry about it, boy.

Scuba Steve, damn you!

You think that's funny,

me getting hurt?

There's a bright side to being up

before 11:
McDonald's breakfast.

I haven't been up for that

in 10 years. You wanna go?

Tie your shoes, we'll go. Hurry.

It's like 12 blocks from here,

so tie quickly.

Do you need help with that?

I can do it.

Let me do it.

You loop it, you swoop it and you pull.

You loop it, you swoop it, you pull.

Good. Let's go. We're in a hurry.

It's different for your generation.

You've always had

McDonald's breakfast available.

I have?

When I was born, all we had were

the burgers and fries.

Maybe the fish sandwich. I'm not sure.

I'll get back to you.

What are you doing?

Oh, yeah, the hand-holding thing.

My dad took us to McDonald's

the first morning they had breakfast.

Everybody was baffled.

"Are these sausages or hamburgers?"

I have to go to the bathroom.

We're gonna be there

in a minute.

I gotta go now.

Didn't you pee enough in bed?

We only got nine minutes

to get there.

But I gotta go to the bathroom.

All right, let's go.

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