Big Daddy Page #3

Can my kid use the bathroom

for a minute?

Customers only.

He's just a kid.

We'll be in and out.

That's not my problem.

It's not your problem? All right.

Come on.

Here you are.

Your waiter will be right with you.

I can't do it.

What do you mean,

you can't do it? Just go.

I'm scared. Could you do it too?

All right.

Here we go.

And we're off.

That's not too difficult, right?

And we're both losing weight.

Good job. We're gonna miss

breakfast. Let's go.

Put it away.

- Thanks, anyways.

- Sure thing. Anytime.

Move your ass there, pee-boy.

We only got five minutes,

five minutes. Now four.

Come on. We're almost there.

Hey, mister. Why are you

sitting on the ground?

This is where I live.

We gotta get going.

Why?

In retrospect, I made some

bad choices after high school.

- We gotta get going.

- Why?

This was during the

so-called Disco Era...

...but for me, it was more

the Doing Mushrooms Era.

- We're gonna miss breakfast.

- Why?

I never thought about that.

I was never Mr. Popularity

in high school...

...and I watched Fantasia a lot.

- One day it clicked.

- Hey, yappy.

If you end it,

you get an Egg McMuffin.

How about a Sausage McMuffin

with hash browns?

You got a deal.

Look, look. He fell asleep.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Sausage McMuffin.

Pardon me, sir.

How you doing?

What can I get for you?

- What do you want?

- Cheerios.

They don't got Cheerios.

Lasagna.

What's the matter?

We'll take hot cakes and sausage.

Sorry. We stopped serving breakfast.

We're four seconds late.

You're 30 minutes and four seconds late.

Breakfast stops at 10:30.

Horseshit!

Don't cry. Sorry.

I was cursing at the lady, not you.

Nice parenting.

Thanks. Are you my therapist?

Take a walk.

Do you want a Happy Meal?

You got a Happy Meal?

Will somebody

get the kid a Happy Meal?!

Relax.

Where's my Egg McMuffin?

Breakfast is over at 10:30.

- Really? I thought it was 11.

- I thought that too.

Total mind blower.

Will you just relax? Here.

What do you want me to do?

You're gonna meet Vanessa tonight.

You'll like her.

You wanna see me get hurt?

That'll cheer you up?

All right.

You think that's funny?

Good. No more crying.

Are you okay?

Next time, kill me.

Let's do it, Rangers.

- Rangers against

the Tampa Bay Lightning

And at this stage

it's as close as you can get

to a must-win game for the Rangers

Or they'll fall behind...

How you doing?

How you doing?

You like hockey?

You like hockey?

This is a big, important game.

This is a big, important game.

Cut the crap.

Cut the crap.

I'm serious. Don't do that.

I'm serious. Don't do that.

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck,

if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

That's what I thought. Shut up.

Don't you take naps?

Sometimes.

Go take a nap.

I'm too hungry to sleep.

You want some food?

Having a kid is great...

...as long as his eyes are closed

and he's not moving or speaking.

He's taken down! Penalty shot!

How you doing? You sleepwalking?

Why don't you go back sleepy?

Sleepy.

Keep napping. What's this?

Kangaroo song.

That's terrific. And we'll watch this

after the game, okay?

But after my nap,

I always watch the kangaroo song.

It's overtime, and there's

a penalty shot about to take place.

It happens every 10 years...

Kangaroo song. Kangaroo song!

All right!

God! You were normal yesterday.

I can't take this.

Are you serious?

Come and play

What do you say?

Douche-bag kangaroo.

Are you all hopped out?

I don't know what to do.

Hopefully Vanessa will.

I think she's back.

If she's not back, we'll wait for her.

Get your coat. Clean up.

Oh, God. You don't

have to pee, do you?

- Do you swear?

- I swear.

How come you're not going?

I don't have to go. Only you and

my grandfather go every 30 seconds.

Let's hurry it up, all right?

I'm keeping you company.

He'll write your name on the wall.

Mind your business.

Let's go. Let's go.

Why do I need to meet this lady?

- Now it is your problem.

- Thank you.

She's that lady I was

telling you about.

She's gonna be a big part

of your life.

I'm scared. What if she's not nice?

Look.

See these right here?

These are magic sunglasses, okay?

If you're afraid, put them on

to become invisible.

Really? Nobody can see me?

Put them on.

Sonny, I'm right here.

Oh, the glasses. I couldn't see you.

Keep those on. No one can notice you

until you decide they can.

- Okay.

- Let's go.

I'm still right here.

Okay, all right, the glasses.

Welcome back.

Who's that?

Who's who? He's invisible.

Can I come in?

Sure.

Any invisible people out here...

...feel free to come in, okay?

Sonny, I don't really know

what's going on right now.

- We should talk...

- You said I got some thinking to do?

So I did it.

Just because I don't have a job

doesn't mean I don't wanna move on.

Instead of saying that,

I figured I'd show you.

- Before you say anything...

- Look at that.

He took his sunglasses off.

He wants you to see him.

He likes you.

Julian, come here.

Come here, pal.

Vanessa...

...I want you to meet Julian, my son.

Our son. I adopted him.

I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything.

Is someone in the bathroom?

Why is the door shut?

I don't know.

You don't?

I don't know.

I can't believe this.

Open up.

Open the door!

- Is everything okay?

- Oh, my God.

I'm sorry. I was freaking out there.

- I'm Sonny.

- Sid.

I had an attack of paranoia. I thought

you were sleeping with my girl.

I am.

What's that?

I am.

That's what I was trying to tell you

before. I found someone.

- This old guy?

- Sid.

He's already achieved so much...

...and yet he's still goal-oriented

and still focused.

And he has a five-year plan.

What is it? "Don't die"?

I can't believe this. We got

a family now. This is what you wanted.

You surprising me with a kid

that you adopted...

...wasn't what I wanted.

- I did this for you.

You wanted me to be more responsible.

I can't raise this kid alone.

You remind me of my grandson.

You don't think things through.

Hey, Old Man River, zip it

or I'll break your hip.

- I'd like to see you try it.

- Shut up.

How'd you misconstrue

the situation so badly?

I don't know.

Deep down you must've known

this day was coming.

You made the biggest mistake

of your life.

I know you'll be missing me

when you got...

...that big, white, wrinkly...

...body on top of you...

...with his loose skin...

...and old balls.

Gross.

Excuse me. How you doing?

I'm Kevin Gerrity.

I got an emergency problem.

Is Arthur Brooks around?

I'll go get him for you.

Stay where I can see you.

I gotta talk to this guy.

Mr. Gerrity?

- Arthur Brooks.

- How are you? I need to speak with you.

I didn't tell you to come here, did I?

I was gonna mail you

the paperwork.

It's like the opposite of that.

Look, I can't manage this kid.

I ain't a good father.

I made a big mistake.

Mistake?

I had a mother lined up for him...

...but she's banging

the Pepperidge Farm guy.

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