Big Daddy Page #4

The kid won't stop

peeing and throwing up.

He's like a cocker spaniel.

I just...

He'd be better off

with his natural mother.

Well, she passed away last night,

Mr. Gerrity.

She had cancer. She must have sensed

that her time was running short.

She wanted her son to be with

the natural father.

Loop.

Pull.

If you don't wanna take care

of him...

...we'll take him. But he'll have to

chill in a group home.

Group home? Like an orphanage?

We don't call them that.

Look, I did it.

Loop, swoop and pull.

You did do it.

Congratulations, kid.

I showed him that.

Why don't you go back over there, okay?

- I'll call the Heatherton Home...

- Let's do this.

I'll hang onto the kid

until you find him a new family.

I don't know. I gotta watch out

for the kid's best interest.

You said yourself you were a bogus dad.

He's better off with me

than in an orphanage.

I don't wanna put him in a home

any more than you do.

Why don't we pretend you

didn't even come in here?

I'll give you a shout

when I line up a family.

- That's good.

- Later.

Just don't make me regret this.

Where are we going now?

I gotta make a phone call.

Just stay right here, all right?

- This is a collect call from:

- Your baby boy

- To accept charges, say, "Yes"

- Yeah, I'll accept.

Dad, how's it going?

How's Florida?

Not too bad. Your mother got

a sunburn playing tennis.

- I got some interesting news.

- Oh, yeah? What?

Kind of adopted a kid.

What do you mean?

I'm talking about

you being a grandfather.

Who the hell would give you a kid?

Social Services.

You idiot. You better give

that kid back.

His mother's...

Hang on.

Go play with them pigeons, buddy.

I tried to give him back.

I just can't. All right?

I need your help.

I'm in a bad way Vanessa dumped me

I don't know what I'm doing

You're damn right.

The kid is always around.

He never leaves me alone.

You'd think he'd want some privacy.

I'm in deep sh*t.

Give that kid back before

you ruin both your lives.

I appreciate that.

He's better off living in a dumpster.

I'll be a better father than you!

Impossible!

All you care about is yourself!

Yeah? No, I care about you

saving money on this call!

Let's eat.

The Vanessa thing did not work out.

She lost her damn mind.

That wasn't your fault, though, okay?

I know when you first got here, you

thought you were gonna meet your dad.

But I don't think

that's gonna happen.

Why?

I don't know.

But, buddy, real dads

aren't always that great.

I got one and he's

out of his mind.

He tells me what to do. He never lets

me figure stuff out on my own.

A lot of dads are like that.

That's why people grow up nuts.

Look at this guy.

He was probably a nice boy like you.

Then his dad messed his mind up.

Who won the Jets game?

Who cares?

Let it go.

He can't control you anymore.

What do you mean?

You know.

You're a loser.

You're mad at your dad, not at me!

I forgive you!

I am. I am. I hate my father.

I don't want it to be like that.

I don't wanna control you.

You even like your name?

I guess.

You guess? Shouldn't you like

your name?

It'll be your name

the rest of your life.

What do you want?

Frankenstein.

I can deal with that.

I'll call you Frankenstein.

Frankenstein, you gonna play

in the puddle?

Go ahead. From now on, you do

whatever you wanna do.

I'll show you some cool sh*t

along the way.

That's what it's all about.

Stay in front of it.

Don't be scared.

It's coming right at you.

Okay. All right.

You're picking your head up.

Don't do that.

Is this okay?

That's what you wanna wear?

That's okay with me then.

Good luck walking down the street.

Way to block it. Stay with it.

You're the next Willie Randolph.

Chief Jay Strongbow

used to do a sleeper hold.

Put your arm under here.

Lift this arm, okay? Slide under

and try to lock wrists.

Let me show you. Watch.

Throw him into the ropes

and he comes back...

Get him. Get him. Lock him up.

Lock wrists.

You bring him down slow.

Apply pressure.

He's going to sleep now.

See, he's out.

Wake up.

You'll be the only kid your age

with a slingshot.

Go have some fun. Shoot a few

beer cans or something.

You like that?

Sonny, Sonny, come here!

What is it? What's the matter?

Let me have that.

Go to your room. I think.

Or do whatever you want.

It's gonna be fun. You nervous?

No? You're excited, aren't you?

Let's go. Up, up, up.

Here comes some candy.

How you doing?

Happy Halloween!

We got a first-timer.

Do the right thing, buddy.

We want some candy!

Hang on right here for a second.

Don't move.

Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, CDs. You like that?

He's not happy. What else you got?

Okay, that's good. Trick-or-treat.

Say, "Happy Halloween."

Thank you.

Next year, be prepared, moron.

What's with the cummerbund?

I let him wear whatever he wants.

Those boots are the best.

I think they're Kevin's.

I'll have a hot dog with

the mustard and a knish.

Frankenstein, what do you want?

Thirty packets of ketchup.

All right. Thirty packets of ketchup.

Nice cut, pal.

Frankenstein.

Do that thing I taught you

the other day.

It took him 20 minutes to learn that.

He's quick. He's smart.

- And he loves ketchup.

- He does.

This is a whole new school

of child-raising.

You give him options, not orders.

Let him make the decision.

You're a pioneer.

- So you two just chill out all day?

- Basically.

Hung out on the monkey bars.

The kid did eight chin-ups.

I can't even do one

with these scrawny arms.

They're not scrawny. They're nice.

What do you wanna do tomorrow?

I wanna go to school.

I don't force him, he makes

the right decision. Way to go.

We'll enroll you on Monday.

Enjoy the weekend.

Do the thing again.

That one touched the ground.

That was awesome!

Good job.

Help me! Help me!

Please help me.

I don't know where I live.

This isn't a big problem.

We'll find your parents.

- What's your name?

- Frankenstein.

There you are.

There you are. Are you okay, buddy?

I turn my head and he disappeared.

Don't you ever do that to me again.

Don't do that.

Thank you for being sweet

to my little boy.

You're welcome, Sonny.

I think my sister, Corinne,

is engaged to your roommate.

Your sister's Corinne? That sucks.

Yeah, I'm up from D.C.

I was at that party...

...where we wasted

the good surprise on you.

Sorry about that.

So, what, you have a son now?

I'm not his dad.

I'm more of a father-figure type...

...until Social Services

can get another family.

At which point,

you'll find a new way...

...to initiate conversations

with girls in the park.

Yeah, that's correct.

Good job, buddy!

He's peeing on his own.

Keep it flowing! That's it!

Go! Go!

So does Corinne's sister have a name?

It's Layla.

Layla? I like your song.

Could you do me a favor?

Could you hang out with me?

He'll think he's a failure

if he couldn't get me a date.

I really can't.

I have a ton of work to do.

I see. Hang on a second.

Come here.

Layla, if you don't come over

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