Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son Page #5

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"The Inaugural Class Music Box."

Yeah, the first graduating class gifted it to the school.

You open it, it'd play the school song.

Not really worth much, but it's sentimental.

Well, I can't imagine why anyone

would want to steal it.

Unless it had something valuable inside.

I doubt it. It's been there for so long.

But between you, me and the Kool,

I think the girls lifted it.

You sure?

Look, the other night, I'm wiping

down the reference room,

I hear the girls sneaking in, giggling.

I look in there, they peaced out.

And so is the music box.

Hmm.

I saw a picture of a man in your office.

He looked familiar.

My fishing buddy, Tony.

You probably read about it in the newspaper.

Anthony Canetti? That's it.

Yeah.

He just left here a couple days ago

for our monthly poker game.

It's a damn shame.

Uh...

(CHUCKLES) These bobby pins don't stay put.

Look here, Big Momma, I got a couple

St. Ides on ice back at the crib.

Oh, no. No, Big Momma's a wine cooler woman.

And she's gotta get back to her girls.

Even a momma bear needs some sugar.

(FIRMLY) I said that's enough, now.

(EXCLAIMS) God, I forgive you for the '90s.

But thank you, Jesus, for now!

Mmm!

(GIRLS CHATTERING)

(GIGGLING)

Yay!

Charmaine? You look like you

have on Big Momma's PJs.

I have something you could try on.

(STAMMERING) Oh, no, no, no, I couldn't.

But, uh, you could try it on for me.

Okay.

I know. Fashion show!

(GIRLS SQUEALING)

Could this get any better?

(SQUEALING)

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Okay!

(ALL WHOOPING)

Hey! Oh, you can wear this.

I don't know, I...

(ALL WHOOPING)

(TURNS OFF STEREO)

How entertaining.

Everybody back to their rooms, now!

Oh. And by the way,

until the thief who stole that music box comes forward,

lights out time, 8:00 p.m.

Bounce!

Oh, don't look with the sour faces. Let's go!

Don't you eyeball me, girl.

You just go on.

Don't corner-eye me!

We was bouncing it out.

You was bouncing it... (EXCLAIMS)

"Ten Ways to Snag a Guy"? That'll never work.

(SCOFFS)

What's wrong with you? I told you

to stay away from those girls.

I was doing some undercover

work. Getting information.

Undercover. Yeah, well, that explains

you lounging in lingerie.

I was doing what girls do, okay?

Look, you gotta see the genius of my plan.

(SCOFFING)

Your plan? Yeah.

These girls, they're starting to think I'm on their side.

Right.

The Divas are never gonna talk to you.

Not the way you run the house. Look.

You think the Jackson 5 gave

Papa Joe information? No.

Janet had all the dirt. And I'm their Janet!

Wait. Who the hell are the Divas?

Seriously? Yeah.

The most popular girls in school!

They're the best artists. They run this place.

Oh, you need me. (CHUCKLES)

Trust me, I'm a seasoned FBI agent.

I've infiltrated tougher circles than

a posse of gossipy teenage girls.

So how about you stick to the hiding

and I'll stick to the undercover work?

(IN GIRLISH VOICE) Whatever.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) I was just trying to help.

Please, do me a favor. Don't help.

Whatever!

Where'd you find Jasmine's necklace?

How'd you know this was Jasmine's?

Oh. (LAUGHS)

You don't need me.

You've infiltrated tougher circles than

a posse of gossipy teenage girls.

Okay, fine.

I might be able to use your help.

If I help you, you got to help me.

Help you what?

You've got to sign my contract.

How about I think about it? (SCOFFS)

How about I go back to reading my Cosmo?

Fine.

Nothing.

Just hundreds of these.

(LYRICAL MIRACLE PLAYING)

Not bad.

Turn it off, you idiot.

(TURNS OFF STEREO)

Let's go.

I know how to find them.

MALCOLM:
Charmaine, you're late

for class. Now get to ballet.

INSTRUCTOR:
Demi pli.

(PIANO PLAYING BALLET MUSIC)

Knees over the toes.

(GROANS)

Chest up.

Shoulders back.

Out.

And grand pli!

(EXCLAIMING IN DISCOMFORT)

And up.

I can't.

Oh! (PIANO STOPS)

Let's get into groups for the routine.

Jasmine, head up.

(MANIAC FROM FLASHDANCE PLAYING)

(INSTRUCTOR COUNTING)

(MAN SINGING) Just a steel town

girl on a Saturday night

Looking for the fight of her life

She has danced into the danger zone

Get in line!

Stretch.

When the dancer becomes the dance

(EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

Are you okay?

One, two, three, four, five, six...

On the wire between will and what will be

(PANTING)

Whoo! Sweet Jesus.

Charmaine, go.

Uh-uh.

Go!

She's a maniac, maniac...

Slow down.

GIRL:
Watch out!

(SCREAMING)

(GROANING)

Now I know why they call it The Nutcracker.

I was twirling.

CHIRKOFF:
Have you seen this guy?

BOTH:
No.

I'm looking for this Prodi-G. Have you seen him?

I'm a record producer. I'm very

interested in talking to him.

Oh, for realsie? You're standing before his DJ!

Yeah, and, um, I'm his business partner.

You're not his partner.

You're his hype man. Whatever.

Have you seen him?

MIA since Sunday.

The Prodi-G, he's been known

to go on personal retreats

to exorcise his demons.

Let me give you my card.

If you see him, call me.

Maybe we can all do business.

Most definitely! Business sounds

good, baby. Take care now.

Let me see that card.

TRENT:
So, tell me once again.

Why do I have to go to art?

Because you're a student here

and you need to keep up your cover.

This ain't even my type of art.

Oh, shut up!

Oh!

You must be our new student, Charmaine.

Hey!

Just in time for figure day.

Oh! Here's our nude model!

Now, you just disrobe whenever you feel comfortable.

Now that's my type of art!

Oh, no, no! Ain't nobody getting naked!

That'd be shameful.

What on earth do you mean, Big

Momma? This is a fine art class.

We're studying the human form.

Yep. That's right, Big Momma. This is fine art.

And she is mighty fine.

And besides, we're all women here.

(STAMMERS) Well, of course. I know that.

But what you're doing, you know, with

this woman getting naked...

What you're doing is you're reinforcing

a terrible stereotype.

Yeah, um,

are size 12 or bigger!

Really? Yeah!

What with the media images

telling girls that they won't be happy

unless they're a size negative zero,

well, that just distorts our body image!

And causes eating disorders.

And alopecia.

Oh. Yeah.

And no offense, young lady,

but you got a little body and a big-ass head! Yeah.

The circumference on that thing is like...

Oh, don't listen to her!

She's having hot flashes. Go ahead,

girl, show us what you got!

Wait. No.

You know,

I think I agree with Big Momma.

You do? Yes.

We have never once had a full-figured model.

(STAMMERING) It's shameful.

Shameful!

So how about it, Big Momma?

Excuse me?

I think you should be our model.

Amen!

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

(CLEARING THROAT)

Yeah, it's all clear in here.

Pipes are great.

I think you should be our model.

Big Momma don't be getting butt naked for nobody!

Oh, come on. No, I don't get down like that.

You're beautiful!

I know I'm beautiful, but I don't get down like that.

Oh! No.

I need more pastels.

I need a huge canvas.

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