Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son Page #6

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Excuse me, but shouldn't I be eating some grapes,

or a cheeseburger or something?

You are an inspiration just as you are.

Okay. Class.

It's time for a new pose. Artists, grab a new canvas.

Big Momma?

Oh, okay. Well, um...

How about that one right there?

Very good.

Now, if you'd kindly just drop the sheet.

Say what?

Don't be shy.

Like you said, these girls need role models.

Well, I got a lot of rolls, but they're

not exactly the kind...

Oh, come on, Big Momma, let it all hang out!

(EXCLAIMS) You don't want it to all hang out!

Show us what a real woman looks like!

(ALARM WAILING) Hurry up, it's a fire!

Get out of here! It's a fire!

Girl, your hair's gonna crimp up if it catches on fire.

Yeah, I'm gonna let the students

and staff know the status.

False alarm, ladies! Back to class, back to class!

(EXCITEDLY) Hello,

Big Momma!

(GRUNTS)

Wrapped in that sheet, you look like Aphrodite.

More like the centerfold for Thick and Juicy.

Kurtis Kool, meet my great-niece, Charmaine.

How you doing, Charmaine?

A little tip about Big Momma.

The more she resists, the more she wants you.

With those Beyonc thighs and the Rihanna eyes!

Get it?

GIRLS:
Big Momma! Big Momma!

It's Mia. She's saying she's going to kill herself.

What you talking? That's terrible!

I've got to get dressed. Hurry!

Beautiful thing.

Boom shaka-laka-laka! Boom shaka-laka!

It's Kurtis. I'm out front.

HALEY:
Charmaine!

Do you have a free period?

Uh, I do now.

Good. Come shopping with me.

Okay. All right.

All right, all right. I had to get

dressed! What is all this...

Ooh!

Blood! Did anyone call 911?

Mia?

Oh, my God.

You told me she was going to kill herself.

I want to die!

You have too much to live for.

Calm down. Tell Big Momma what happened.

We bought hair dye at Walgreens

and the directions were in Spanish.

She takes French.

Child, don't you know cheap

hair dye is like an old man?

It don't last long and it marks up the furniture.

I thought if I looked different,

Delant would fall back in love with me.

You look different, all right.

But now, listen.

He has got to love you for all the

stuff you can't buy in no store.

And if he don't,

then don't change yourself, change your man.

Huh? We feeling the deepness?

Huh? Think about that.

What about my hair?

Oh, well, that's got to go.

Yeah, we're gonna wash that

fella right out of your hair.

Ew, not that.

Definitely not that! (GASPS)

This. Mmm-mmm.

I'm not sure that's me. You know?

I know what's you. Trust me.

Oh, girl, you want this one?

What do you mean? We're sharing.

What are you waiting for? Take your clothes off.

Oh.

(CHUCKLING NERVOUSLY)

Uh, girl, something just came up! I'll be right back.

I'll be right back!

(CRASHING)

Are you okay?

Uh, I'm all right!

(CRASHING CONTINUES)

(TRENT GROANS)

(TIK TOK PLAYING)

(SINGING) Wake up in the morning

feeling like P. Diddy

Grab my glasses, I'm out the

door I'm gonna hit this city

Before I leave Brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack

'Cause when I leave for the night I ain't coming back

I'm talking pedicure on our toes, toes

Trying on all our clothes, clothes

Boys blowing up our phones, phones

Drop-topping Playing our favorite CDs

Pulling up to the parties

Trying to get a little bit tipsy

Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up

Tonight, I'ma fight till we see the sunlight

Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no

Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh

Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up

Tonight, I'ma fight till we see the sunlight

Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no

Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh

Ain't got a care in world but got plenty of beer

Ain't got no money in my pocket But I'm already here

And now the dudes are lining up

'Cause they hear we got swagger

But we kick them to the curb

Unless they look like Mick Jagger

I'm talking about everybody getting crunk, crunk

Boys tryin' to touch my junk, junk

Gonna smack him if he getting too drunk, drunk

Now, now, we go until they kick us out, out

Or the police shut us down, down

Police shut us down

Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up

Tonight, I'ma fight Till we see the sunlight

Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no

Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh

Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up

Tonight, I'ma fight till we see the sunlight

Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no

Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh

With my hands up You got me now

You got that sound Yeah, you got me

You build me up You break me down

My heart, it pounds Yeah, you got me

The party don't start till I walk in

Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up

Tonight, I'ma fight till we see the sunlight

Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no

Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh

Tick tock on the clock But the party don't stop, no

Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh

You've been Momma-fied.

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

(GIRLS EXCLAIMING)

What... Is it not me? Is it too much?

Oh, don't be silly. You just need the final touch.

Get her a chair. Yeah, okay. Grab a seat. I'll get it.

Oh!

There we go.

Vaseline?

God's gift to black people.

Ashy coming out of the bathtub?

Baby's got a diaper rash?

Your hair look like it just took a mug shot?

Just rub it in!

There. Watch me work my magic now.

Voil!

There you go. (CHUCKLES)

You're a genius! Thank you!

I just brought the beauty outside.

Um...

Come over here for a second and let

Big Momma get a talk with you.

Tell me what you know about the missing music box.

You didn't hear this from me, but Jasmine and Isabelle,

I heard them say they're meeting

someone near the library tonight.

With what?

I don't know.

But I heard them say that Isabelle's

gonna bring it in her bag.

You look awesome, girl.

Oh!

Back at you, H-bomb.

Yo, Robinson.

Delant.

Looking fine today, Haley. Yes, she is.

How about we hang out after your big show?

You just broke up with Mia.

Help me heal.

Come on.

IM me if you change your mind.

HALEY:
Ugh! Those guys are such tools.

TRENT:
Right?

So, you got, like, a boyfriend or anything?

No way.

I'm beginning to think the guy I'm

looking for doesn't really exist.

How about you?

Oh, no, girl.

The guy for me definitely does not exist.

You know what? I think I got somebody

I could hook you up with, girl.

Really? Yep.

Who? He's my cousin.

His name is Trent. Hottie. Buff. Right?

He's our age. Plus, he's like a hip-hop lyrical miracle.

You've probably seen him perform at the Promenade.

He goes by the name of...

The Prodi-G? (IN NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, yeah!

(GIRLISHLY) Yeah, yeah!

Thinks he's all that and then some?

Talks about himself in the third person

and thinks that every girl on the planet is after him?

No offense, Charmaine,

but your cousin is the last kind

of guy I'd ever hook up with.

(GIGGLES)

(GIGGLES SARCASTICALLY)

Ew, the Prodi-G.

So, uh,

what is your type?

He's artistic.

Sensitive. Interested in people besides himself.

And he likes long,

sweet, slow, lingering kisses.

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