Bill Cosby: Far from Finished Page #3

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some guy , an idiot ...

in the audience , one night said to me :

Is your wife here ?

stupid ... dose it sound like

she's here ?

I don't want you moving

my stuff again !

I don't care for put it upside

down

or lay it like that

leave my stuff alone !

... Dear !

who do you think you're talking to ?

- my friend

No you're not either

Buster !

keep it up , you will die by yourself

so you have to just understand that

things are gonna move,

let them move ,

But she's not your friend.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let me give you an example.

I fly into Massachusetts.

Get in my car.

2:
30 in the morning.

I'm driving,

hour, 15-minute drive,

going home.

All of a sudden,

I smell a wire burning.

15 minutes out, wire burning,

smell smoke,

the lights are dimming.

All of a sudden, the car...

vroo...

And I negotiate over,

I put it in park,

turn off the key.

I go around, I lift the hood.

This ends my knowledge

of how to fix the car.

I come back round, and I...

2:
45 A.M...

I dial my friend.

His name is Ed.

He's around my age.

So I said...

phone's ringing...

You know.

So Ed...

he picks up the phone.

Now, he's asleep.

2:
45.

He says...

you know, he tried to talk.

I said :
"Ed."

He said :
"Cos."

That's my friend!

Ed!

That's my friend Ed!

All I said was "Ed."

He said :
"Cos."

He said :

"Are you all right?"

My friend Ed wanted to know...

He was asleep,

and all I said was "Ed."

"Cos, are you all right?"

I said :
"Ed, I'm fine.

"I'm driving my car, Ed.

I'm I-91 North.

"I'm an hour out from my house.

"I smell wire burning.

"There's smoke,

engine lights go out, Ed,

"and, Ed, my car is gone.

"It's just stopped,

and I'm wondering, Ed,

if you'll come and get me."

My friend Ed said :

"Cos...

"Let me get dressed.

I'll be there."

My friend...

- Ed.

- No, say it!

Ed!

There you go.

My friend!

Ed !

Ed....nah, I didn't ask you

to say it again.

When I do like that,

that's when you say it .

My friend Ed

is coming to get me.

He gave me a choice.

He said :

"Cos, let me get dressed."

I could've said :

"Don't get dressed, Ed.

Come and get me."

My friend Ed is coming.

Now, let's... let's go

to this other person.

I'm not naming any names.

Just going to another person.

What time is it?

2:
45.

- 2:
45 in the morning.

Dial the number.

- She picked up the phone.

- She said...

I said :
"Yes, my darling."

She said :
"Oh, Billy."

I said :
"Yes, dear."

She said :

"Oh, how are you?

What are you doing?"

I said :

"Dear, I'm about an hour out."

She said :
"Oh, wonderful.

You'll be home shortly."

I said :
"I don't think so."

She said :

"Oh, what's the matter?"

I said :
"Well, dear,

I'm driving my car,

"and smoke starts coming,

and the engine cut out,

and I had to maneuver over..."

And she said :
"Bill."

I said :

"I-It just won't run, dear."

She said :
"Bill."

I said :
"Yes, dear?"

She said :
"How many times...

"Have I told you...

to get that car fixed?"

I said :
"Many times."

She said :
"No, Bill.

How many times?"

I said :
"Over a hundred."

She said :

"So why are you calling me?"

I said :

"Dear, I was hoping..."

She said :

"Well, you got that right."

"I was hoping that you

would come and get me."

She said :
"Bill...

"Do you expect me

to get out of this bed,

"drive an hour out

to wherever you are,

because you

don't listen to me?"

She said :

"I'm gonna call the AAA.

When they bring you home, Bill,

don't make a lot of noise."

I said :
"Dear, the reason

why I make a lot of noise

"is because you won't let me

turn the lights on

and you keep changing

the furniture around."

She said :
"Well, you could

fall quieter than that."

Now, that's my wife.

My friend...

... Ed!

Is coming to get me,

because "Ed" is...

....your friend.

No, no.

He's single.

yes...because if Ed is married

you can hear Ed's wife in the

background

I know you better not get out this bed

no ... all you men you can go ahead

as long as you've been married

I'm telling you now...

I'm not afraid to say it...

I lost...

My key

that was given to me.

I lost my key to the house.

That was 48 years ago.

I don't have a key.

I don't know any codes.

Nothing.

I-I get off the plane,

and... and someone

who works for us

will pick me up, bring me home.

That person has a key.

That's if my wife is not there.

And then that person

will lock me in.

There are instructions

written in the house

what I cannot touch.

Because that's another thing

when you get married.

You get up...

you been sleeping...

You get up,

and she wakes up too.

"Where are you going?"

"I'm just going downstairs."

"No, you stay up here.

You stay here with me."

"Why?"

"Because you're just gonna

be walking all around."

"And what's wrong with that?"

"I don't want you

touching anything!

You don't know

how to lock up."

"What do you mean?"

They don't trust you.

So she had to go

visit her mother,

and she... she left.

I waited and waited

until she was gone

long enough, you know,

to be at her mother's house,

and thenI , I got up,

and I went to bed.

She won't let me

go to sleep early,

but if she's not there,

she can't see where I am.

So I put the pajamas on.

I got in the bed.

So the phone rang,

and I got out on my side

and walked over to her side,

where the phone is.

I don't have a phone on my side

because my phone wakes her up.

So...

You thought it was only

happening to you, didn't you?

So I said :
"Hello."

It's a woman.

So she says,

"I represent

the so-and-so security company."

She says,

"Who am I talking to?"

I said :

"Well, I'm half-owner of...

of the house."

So she says...

she says,

"Well, do you know

"that there's an alarm

going off...

going off?"

I said :

"I don't hear anything."

She said :
"Well, it's going...

it's going...

"It's showing up

that there's a malfunction

in the front door

of the building."

So I said :
"Okay.

Well, just a minute."

I put the phone down,

I went to the front door,

and there's bolts and keys.

So you unbolt

and turn the key, open,

slam it, bolt, turn it.

Unbolt, unlock, open, slam it,

jiggle it, bang it,

bolt it back.

Turn the key.

I went back up.

I said :
"How's it look?"

She said :
"It still shows

there's a malfunction."

She says, "And who...

what is your name?"

I said :
"Cosby."

She said :

"What is your code name?"

I said :

"I don't have a code name."

She said :
"Yes, you do."

I said :
"Ma'am,

I have to tell you...

"I don't drink, and I don't

do drugs or anything.

"I know for sure

I don't have a code name.

"I just have my regular name,

which my mother gave me,

and my wife even calls me

by that name."

She said :
"Well, sir, I'm

gonna have to call the police,

because you don't know

your code..."

I said :
"Ma'am,

they're not gonna do anything

because I have a code face."

I said :

"Just one second, please."

So I put her on hold,

and it's blinking,

and I punch down another line,

and I dial

my mother-in-law's house.

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