Bill Cosby: Far from Finished Page #5

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but the smartest man of

all of us is Reggie ,

see... he's got a ziploc bag

but he won't share

there was one fellow , he just passed out

no ... he just got passed out

and his wife got mad at him

what are you doing down there ?

and he just ......I have no idea.....

I know you must have done something ,

now , you get up

and he did

so one of the old guys said :

he was faking !

I've done that before ,

I couldn't get up

I don't know if anybody could come up

but man .... when she said get up

he just got right up !

my...., I fell off and my wife came said

get up

I was so happy I couldn't move

that's the way it is.

go down there ... you sit ...

... do what I tell you ...

she blamed me for her menopause !

we were sitting there talking

and all of a sudden , water just shout out

and her blouse just turned to

another color

and she looked at me and said: stop it !

I said :
stop what ?

you know what you're doing.

I want you to stop it right now

and then she went

and put her head in freezer !

as soon as I cool off, I'm gonna get you

the rule of the house

is

or ought to be

then when a married couple

come upstairs....

if the hisband....

gets the remote

or let me put it in fair sense

whoever gets the remote first

turns on their program

they sould be allowed

to finish the program they turned on .

without , I'm not naming any names

A certain person going around ...

well , what is this you got on now ?

then they lay in the bed and

you trying to watch your program

and they go :
ah....

what is then ?

ah....

I don't know what is this but its a marathon

gonna be on for another seven weeks , dear

and I got the remote first ..... ha..ha..ha

see , there's gonna be a husband museum

I don't kknow if I'd bee alive or not

I know that the statue out front

be of a husband sitting in the chair

and he'll be looking like this :

and then on the exit ,

there is a moving statue

and the husband's going :

and they walk around the house and

that's how you can tell

it's not your house ,

they walk , they walk all over

you see'em going by , here

back around and you hear'em

over head

and you say :

dear , come sit

I'm busy !

don't you see I have things to do around

so... ok

she said to me , she said to me :

you know , like Bela Lugosi

(Dracula)

Come !

she said :
come sit with me

we never talk

so , she took me in her office !

and she sat me down

then she sat on her sofa

and then she took out a book

and started to read

so , I'm sitting

and she's reading

and ...um...

see , wives have a wide pripheral vision

they can see

like a alpro corner back

I'm telling you ,

pay attention

I'm gonna show you what I did

she's reading and I did like this

she said :
where you going ?

I said :
I don't know ,

and she said :
but you moved to stand .. and

I said :
Yes

she said :
ok

you were moving to get up

I said :
Right !

she said where were you going ?

I said :
I don't know

she said :
Bill , how could you move to

stand and not know where you're going ,

I said :
because the voices !

... told me to stand up !

and then , they heard you !

and then they ran away !

oh yes

one of the worst things that could

happen to you

is when your wife gets your medical

you know , exam

and you see RBC and white blood count

and then the cholesterol triglycerides

and they're not pretty

and my doctor made that decis....

he's no longer my doctor

he sent it to the wrong fax number

and...um...

the reason she shut mine off !

but he wanted .... he sent it to her

she shut mine off ,

because I wasn't using mine

I said but I leav it on

I don't want it on

I never said , but thats my machine

I already know the answer

so ..... I'm up

I'm up and try glycerides and ...

... and then I get the wife

we want you around a long time

and this is unhealthy

and I keep telling you over and over

and instead ,

it's like listening to your mother

you know , at least with your mother

like when your mother ...

and then sometimes you just say :

Mum , just stop talking

beat me , beat me !

you can't do that with your wife

they hit to hard !

so , I behaved

because she kept watching me

and we go to a resaurant

and she will ask the person for the menu

and just tell them : he dosen't get one

and people in restaurants are used to

wives just taking the thing

and tell that husband misbehaved .

So we went

to this one restaurant

in New York City,

and he has a bakery

next door... next door.

So it's like the bakery,

and then you go in,

and there's curtain,

curtain,

and a door to the bakery.

And then there's a curtain,

and then there's a door

and a curtain

to the restaurant.

So when we got out of the car,

I'm walking,

and we get out far enough back

that I could see the cookies.

And I noticed

that they had chocolate chip

cookies this size.

Bigger than famous amos,

smaller than Mrs. fields.

So listen, this is

where you can put two in.

So the bad boys up here,

they're... "Oh, man,

we gonna party!"

"Yeah, but how do we get there?

How do we get there?"

"Don't worry,

he'll figure it out.

He's smart."

You know.

So we go... she did not

look like she saw it.

And we went in and so...

"Oh, Mr. and Mrs. Cosby.

How do you do?

Sit there,"

and people sitting.

And I'm...

so he pulls...

So my back is to the door,

and she's there.

Fella says,

"And there's the menu for you,

and will your husband

be having a menu?"

"No, I'll select

something for him."

She says, "Oh, I see you have

the poached breast

of chicken foot !

And she started laughing.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha.

I got you. I got you."

"No, you scared me."

So she ordered something for me

that was poached, uh...

With nothing, you know?

Just... you will taste

the flavor of how it died !

So...

She ordered some kind of salmon

from rangoon,

which has been buried

for 12 years

and then was wrapped

in fig leaves

from a village

where only virgins...

Male... male virgins...

Come and sing to the trees

and the leaves.

It was wonderful.

She just swooned, listening...

"I don't know how chef

thinks of these things."

And so she ordered that

with, uh, with prunes.

No, it wasn't "ew."

She... she's... prunes.

And they bring a small tree,

and you pick your own prunes.

Put 'em on your plate.

So I said to her...

Now, this is the part

of marriage where you...

I mean, you're both good.

You both know each other

very well.

"Soon I will get you,

lady Cosby.

"I bleed not.

"This is but a scar.

Aah!"

I said to her,

"If you will excuse me,

I will go to the bathroom."

She said :
"All right."

So I got up, and I went...

The lady at the desk...

"May I help you, Mr. Cosby?"

"Uh, no,

I'm going straight ahead."

Door, curtain, bakery.

So there's a-a couple

and a little child.

I go up, and I'm in...

you know, in a hurry.

So there's a lady

waiting on them.

So there's another lady

that didn't look like

she was doing anything.

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