Billboard Dad Page #3

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with us anymore!

Now....

Sit. Nobody moves.

l'll get it.

What is going on?

Nigel....

Hey, Mr. Tyler.

Got quite a bit of mail.

-Unbelievable!

-You're a hottie!

-Who in the world is this mail for?

-Me.

By the way, l saw you on the news.

Nice job, Tess, Emily.

We're with you.

The news? Nobody asked me

about airtime!

Maxwell, l'm in charge of your PR!

l know what's best for you!

-There must be a million letters here.

-Two million.

-This one smells romantic.

-This one sent a bribe.

-This one sent a picture.

-That's a cat.

Oh, my goodness, you're right.

lt was the whiskers that threw me.

You've got to be a little curious.

-Some of these women sound good.

-Yeah?

Look, this one's a doctor.

A concert cellist.

And a fashion model.

Come on, just a couple dates. Please?

-Please, Dad? For us?

-Please?

-Please?

-Please, please, please?

all right, l tell you what.

l will go out on three dates.

-Seven.

-Five.

Sold.

Only because l love you two.

After these five dates...

...you will leave me alone.

Understood?

Great. Five dates.

You have your wish.

l hope you're happy.

Any more money, give it to me.

So you come here often?

Pardon me, but you don't look

like you want to be here.

l'm sorry....

lt's been a while since l've been out.

l think l'm just out of practice.

Don't worry, l've had plenty.

lt's always the same story.

You ask me to tell you about myself.

l'll pour my heart out.

You'll tell me exactly

what l want to hear...

...make me fall

madly in love with you...

...and that's the moment

when you'll dump me.

Let's end this charade right now,

before l get hurt...

...while l've still got enough Prozac

left from the last jerk.

l'm out of here.

Okay.

Waiter. The check.

Do you have ear wax?

lt's genetic.

My entire family has

a terrible problem with it.

Oh wait!

l have a Q-Tip in my purse!

Gotcha!

lt's in here, l swear.

Q-tippie!

Check.

You have lovely eyes.

Thank you.

Waiter, the check.

Have you ever dated

a Parisian woman before?

No.

You're in for a treat, chri.

Garcon!

Oh, boy.

Waiter! Garcon.

Make sure you chew it real good.

Don't eat too fast, or you'll give

yourself a little tummy ache.

Oh, you need a napkin.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Little cute guy needs a napkin.

Oh, look at that.

He's got a little schmutz.

Oh, he's a cute one!

-He's so cute.

-Yeah, he is.

Waiter!

-He's a cutie.

-l'm gonna sit down now.

-Okey-dokey.

-Okey-dokey.

-We should've made it seven dates.

-You can't give up!

Girls, a deal is a deal.

We have a whole bag full of letters.

There's gotta be someone

in there for you.

lt just didn't work out.

Come on, Tess. Let's go.

Goes in, l go out on a date.

Close, but....

all right, one more.

l will marry this woman.

lt's up...

...and it's bad.

The man never liked dating anyway...

...and that one's bad too.

The pressure's on.

all right, there's

no pressure whatsoever.

Oh....

Oh, boy.

Oh, you're kidding!

Wow! Of course l'd like to meet you.

How about tomorrow?

At the art museum? 1 1 :30?

l'll be there. Okay, bye.

Guess who's got a date

with Billboard Dad? Moi.

-l'm nervous.

-Don't be nervous.

He had the sense to pick a museum.

Shows class.

-Hey, you're right. He's cultured.

-Yeah, educated.

He's never gonna like me.

Yes, he will. He's gonna love you.

l look okay?

-You look beautiful.

-Not too--

You didn't try too hard,

but you look nice.

This is your day.

Tell me why l'm here.

The guy looks fine on TV, but what if

he turns out to be a weirdo?

When l tug my ear--

l know, l pretend to bump into you.

Then what?

l tag along?

This is so high school.

Hey, high school was my best years.

-l'll be your best friend.

-You already are.

Okay, l'll be over there.

lf you need me, just tug.

-Do you mind if l sit here?

-No.

l love Calder.

So do l. His work just

makes me feel like smiling.

l always loved that piece.

l did studies of it

when l was a student.

-Are you an artist?

-Sculptor, actually.

Not that l've ever gotten

any of my work in here yet....

Don't feel bad.

l think you have to be dead.

Dad's talking to that woman.

l'll give that a few years.

-She must be his date.

-She's pretty.

He's laughing.

l think he likes her.

So you say your friend

is here for a date.

That's right.

My best friend actually wrote

that guy on TV, Billboard Dad.

l'm here in case

she needs bailing out.

Oh, yeah. Well, l know how that goes.

Hey, you two were on TV.

Billboard Dad's kids.

-Yeah.

-That's us.

Somebody great on paper,

then you meet them...

...and it's like,

""What planet are you from?""

Especially in this case.

Where's your father? l'm his date.

You're his date?

Then who's he talking to?

l'm curious.

Why didn't you answer that?

-What? The billboard?

-Yeah.

Well, because...

...love doesn't happen that way.

You don't believe in love

at first sight?

l'm sorry. What did you say?

Dad, we found your date.

-Did you see us?

-l thought you stood me up.

l'm sorry.

l was talking to your friend.

l didn't realize you were waiting.

You're Billboard Dad?

-Max, actually.

-Brooke.

Debbie.

-Debbie. Debbie.

-Debbie.

-You met Emily and Tess.

-Oh, yes.

This could've been

a really weird moment.

We knew Dad liked Brooke.

Debbie knew Brooke liked Dad.

She suggested they

have lunch together.

Talk about a good friend.

-Nice meeting you.

-You too.

-You girls behave yourselves.

-Don't worry, we will.

That's what he thinks.

So l moved from Boston

after optometry school.

l did post-graduate work at Parsons

and my company was born.

-Why glasses?

-My mom used to say:

So far, so good.

""Men don't make passes

at girls in glasses.""

l'll change that.

Well, l can't imagine men

not making passes at you.

l mean, you're very beautiful.

Thank you.

-He said she's beautiful.

-She's crushing on him.

Let's give them a nudge.

Give me all the money you've got.

No, no! Not that table!

Sit somewhere else!

-Thank you.

-So why sculpting?

l was just so bad at basketball.

Very clumsy young man.

-l don't think we ordered these.

-Compliments of the house.

Well, thank you.

-ls he gonna kiss her?

-l don't know, l can't see!

That has to do with you.

For mademoiselle.

How beautiful!

-lt's been taken care of.

-Thank you.

Oh, well. lt's nothing, really.

You're stepping on my foot!

Get your elbow out of my stomach!

l'll fall!

Don't look at me.

My sister's the graceful one.

Girls, hello.

We'll be talking later, won't we?

Hey, down in the seat, both of you.

l don't want to hear

another peep out of you.

They could use a lesson in subtlety.

Oh, l don't know. l think being direct

always gets the best results.

Well, in that case...

...l'm supposed to wait three days,

but you want to go out with me again?

l mean, just me this time?

l'd really like to get

to know you better, but....

Uh-oh. ""But.""

l've rushed into relationships before,

and they've ended badly.

-We'd have to take things slow.

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