Billy Page #3

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- I can pop in most days.

- I'm staying put.

- We don't need you.

- Hang on.

Boy.

I want you to go to England.

Chance of a lifetime.

Make your mum proud.

Make us all proud.

And I can look after my own self.

You got that?

Now let's eat.

I'm bloody starving.

Here, Papa.

Flash place, all right, eh?

Oh, flash prices too. Looks like

we're all going sober tonight.

Thank you. We're gonna take

a short break,

and then, fresh back from England,

it's Billy James.

Who are they?

The Hegans.

That's supposed to mean something?

Biggest entertainment

agents in the country.

Oh, of course.

Yeah.

Your drummer tells me you toured

the UK with him and the Volcanics.

Yeah, um... well, but this is my...

my first solo gig.

Oh Jesus. I'll tell you what, son.

You finish the gig, I give you 50 bucks.

They boo you off stage

before then, you get nothing.

Keep the language clean as well.

This is a classy establishment, OK?

It's not a pub

full of horis. Got it?

Hey, my act's clean as a whistle.

Am I understood, boy?

Understood.

Good.

# Everybody there

had a happy celebration. #

Hiya, swingers.

It's been a long week.

You're back on C'mon, so lose your blues

and get with the go-go.

For the next 30 minutes, it's a

happening scene, and I can see these...

Is this what my comrades

in the Maori Battalion sacrificed...

their lives for

in the deserts of Africa,

so you boys could waste time

watching this blasted TV?

No, sir.

Where's Mr. Paiwai?

He's doing research

for his apprenticeship, sir.

What sort of research does a...

painting and decorating apprentice

do on a Saturday evening?

Sir, he's getting plastered

at the pub.

You think I lay down these rules

just to give you all a hard time?

This world we're living in

isn't run by your uncle...

or your relations.

It's run by the Pakeha.

You can't just be as good as him to get

a job, 'cos they'll give it to their own.

You gotta be better...

much better.

Ladies and gentlemen,

my name is Billy T. James.

Well, actually my real name is

William James Te Wehi Taitoko,

but when I decided to go solo,

my mate Prince Tui Teka said,

'Ah, cuz,

you gotta find yourself a new name.

Something those Pakeha

can pronounce, eh'?

So here I am.

Billy T. James.

I come from a big family,

you know? Do you?

Yeah, I do.

There's 17 in my family.

We put our mum up

on a pedestal, eh.

Yeah. Yeah, we had to to keep

the old man away from her.

Cheeky bugger!

And because

we didn't have a lot of money,

Mum had to buy all our school clothes

from the army surplus store.

Yeah, it's true.

I tell you what, it's bloody tough

for a 5-year-old boy...

going to school

dressed as a Japanese admiral.

Hey, I'll tell you guys a joke.

I'll tell you guys a joke.

This IRA terrorist

arrives at the Pearly Gates,

and he's met by St. Peter,

who asks his name.

"O'Shaunessy,"

says the Irishman.

Nah, cut it out, cut it out.

Serious. Serious.

'Ah, Mr. O'Shaunessy,'

says St. Peter looking in his big book.

'I see here that you're responsible for a

number of bombings in the Derry district...

'that resulted in the deaths

of over 20 people',

'including 6 members

of the Royal Ulster Constabulary'.

'That's right,' said O'Shaunessy.

'Well, I'm sorry',

says St. Peter,

'but you can't come into heaven'.

'I don't want to come in.

I'm giving you five minutes to get out!'

Hey, Billy.

Billy!

Hey, thanks, man.

I'll tell you what, you come back

next Saturday, I'll double your fee.

Right.

And how much

is he paying you now, Billy?

And I thought Billy

was supposed to be the comedian.

Elaine Hegan.

Um... this is my wife,

Lynn.

This boy doesn't get out of bed for less

than 250 and his own dressing room.

Hey, he had one lucky night.

Come on, we're leaving.

I think we should follow her.

Hey, sorry, mate,

but I'm with the girls.

Okay!

and his own dressing room.

So, tell me why you left the Volcanics.

Most musos would kill for a gig like that.

Oh, I just got bored with doing

the same thing night after night.

And I've always wanted

my own solo career.

Well, the crowd loved you.

What'd you think?

- You're good.

- Good enough to get on TV?

Give him an inch

and he takes a bloody mile.

In the UK, Television's

the only way to make it big.

Bugger all entertainers

get on the box here,

and let's not forget you're Maori.

Doesn't mean it can't happen.

I'd like to represent you, Billy.

I'm hands on.

I take 20% of your earnings,

but I look after your tax,

rent and everything else.

I give you a weekly wage and anything

extra goes into an account for your future.

Work hard, do what I tell you

and I'll make sure you get what you want.

Well?

When's my first gig?

Tomorrow night.

Wear this tux

and don't turn up late or drunk.

Break it up!

It's a rough night, eh?

Wait till they get pissed.

All right?

Yeah.

Who's that bloke?

Tom Parkinson.

Head honcho from TV.

Oh, bloody hell.

I convinced him

you were worth looking at.

Don't like your chances

with this lot, though.

Kia ora, kia ora, kia ora.

I'm Billy T. James.

Kia ora, I'm Billy...

Shut up!

That's better. Now you can all shut up

while I tell you a little bit about myself.

See, I'm part Maori and I'm part Scottish,

which means part of me likes to get pissed,

but the other part doesn't like to

pay for it, a little bit like you lot, eh?

So, Rangi walks into a bar, right,

and he's only wearing one jandal.

He gets himself a drink,

and then a couple of minutes later,

another guy walks into the bar...

carrying a jandal.

He sees Rangi,

and he goes up to him, and he says,

'Hey, mate, have you lost a jandal?'

And Rangi says,

'Nah, I've found one'.

I meet a lotta kids, and have you ever

noticed how different they are nowadays?

Like a, um... a Caucasian kid

will come up to me, and he'll say,

'Oh, hi, Billy.

Can I have an autograph, please?'

So I'll give him an autograph.

I'll send him off on his way.

Whereas a Maori kid will come up

and say,

'Billy! Give two bucks!'

And he'll wait for it.

And then he'll say,

'Hey, can I have it in 20 cent pieces?'

Just like the other day. The other day

I was in Glen Eden, right?

And these, um... these Maori kids,

they come up to me and they said...

'Gidday, Billy.

Do you wanna buy a cheap car?'

And I said,

Okay, what's wrong with it?'

They said, 'Oh, it's just got

a bit of water in the carb'.

And I said, 'Oh, is that all? Where is it?'

And they said, 'In the harbour'.

Bloody stupid, eh?

Thank you.

Thanks very much.

A pleasure.

Great show, Billy. Couldn't believe

the way you won over that crowd.

Well, at the end of the day,

everybody likes to laugh.

I just try to remember that

when I'm up there.

I've never seen anything like it.

So, what's your schedule like?

Can we get together?

If it means you want to

audition him for a TV show.

Hell, no.

I want him to star in a TV show.

England before the Second World War.

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