Billy Page #4

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It's a radio variety show, but it's on TV.

I just don't see it.

Whole lot of different radio characters,

songs, gags, backup singers. You know.

And where do I fit in?

The show's MC is a dapper,

upper-class Englishman,

Dexter Fitzgibbons,

played... by you.

Tom, in case you hadn't noticed,

Billy's a bloody Maori.

Read.

Good evening,

and welcome to Radio Times.

My name is Dexter Fitzgibbons.

Tonight, the case of the

innocent milkmaid and the bubbling brook.

There. There, you see?

He's perfect.

He might sound like a pom,

but he hardly looks like one.

Never underestimate what can be done

with a bow tie and a bit of Brylcreem.

Good evening, listeners.

Snuggle back in your easy chair

and join your host, Dexter Fitzgibbons,

for another edition

of Radio Times.

Good evening, listeners.

Welcome to Radio Times.

My name is Dexter Fitzgibbons.

Join me for an hour of lilting lyrics

and gripping serials.

Tonight the tale of the mysterious

punch up the conker.

HONK! HONK!

One day a beautiful milkmaid

was sitting by a bubbling brook.

# Leaf falls to kiss the

image of a mountain.

# The early morning mist

has ceased to play.

Morning, hon.

Hmm. Have you read these?

'I don't know whether Billy James'...

'comes from Willis street

in Wellington or Waipukurau',

'but he should be kept

chained to a microphone from now on'.

'He is the best

in the light entertainment field'...

'since Howard Morrison

decided to call it a day'.

That will really piss

uncle Howie off, eh?

And so it should.

Mmm-mm-mm.

Oh, oh. I gotta go.

Gotta go.

# 'Damn the dam,'

cried the fantail as he flew into...

Hey!

- Oh.

- Ahem.

- Mmm.

- Mm-mm.

Promise me you'll have a sleep

before the show.

Yes, ma'am.

# All this beauty has to die. #

- Oah,

- Hey, bro.

Hey, I'll take those for you.

- Thank you.

- Airport, eh?

- Yeah.

- Oh, okay.

So, where you heading today,

brother?

Uh... Christchurch.

Christchurch. Oh, are you?

Well, what do you do for a Christ?

I'm an actor.

Aren't we all, bro? Aren't we all?

No, no,

I really am an actor.

Yeah? You been on the TV?

'Cos I watch a lotta TV.

Um...

I'm on Radio Times.

Holy, that... that's my top show.

What part do you play?

The MC, Dexter Fitzgibbons.

No, man,

that's an English fella.

You, my brother,

you're as Maori as me, bro.

But, uh...

full marks for trying, okay?

- GIGGLES]

- Full marks.

Ooh. Tena koutou.

The Kaikohe Police Station

was burgled last night.

The burglars

took their toilet... ew, yuk.

Today the cops said they've got

nothing to go on.

Yeah, dumb, eh?

Police are also on the lookout

for a man... masquer...

pretending to be

a Maori language teacher.

Students got suspicious when he said

the Maori word for fast food was takeaway

and the Maori word for aerial

was coat-hanger.

'And cut'. Fantastic, Bill.

Uh, that's a buy, everyone.

Kia ora, Billy.

Joe from Te Taonga.

Ah, hi! Come.

Come on.

Billy, aren't you stereotyping Maori

with some of your material?

No way. Look, that character

with the yellow towel...

I lived with a guy in a hostel

who wore a towel like that.

There are people who speak just like that.

I'm not really stereotyping anyone.

I'm just portraying people

that I know.

But you're the country's

most popular entertainer.

A million New Zealanders

watch you on TV.

As a Maori, don't you have a

responsibility not to do racist humour?

Who says that it's racist?

People are laughing at me because

I'm being the silly Maori character.

Then they all of a sudden, they realise

they're laughing at me laughing at them.

That's not racist,

that's people laughing.

And speaking of which,

I've got a hall...

full of Maoris waiting for me

in the Waikato tonight.

Something that makes me laugh is the

difference between Maoris and Pakehas.

For example, a Pakeha will walk into

a post office, and he'll say,

'Ah, excuse me, but there...

there seems to be a minor discrepancy...

with my telephone account.

'Uh, I... I wonder if you wouldn't mind

taking a look at it for me, please'?

'Thank you'.

Whereas a... a Maori

would handle the situation like this.

Uh, they'd go into the post office,

and they'd say,

'Hey! I didn't make any

bloody phone calls to Rotorua!'

See this fella here. This fella's laughing

because he's done it before.

It's to Mary.

Here we go.

Thank you for coming.

- Thank you, Billy.

- Yeah, see you later.

Thanks for coming.

Kia ora.

- Chur, oi.

- Ike.

Stephen.

Pleased to meet you, bro.

Hi.

Awesome show, man.

I'm a big fan.

Oh, you don't feel degraded

by my act, then, Ike?

Oh, why would I?

Some people feel I degrade Maoris.

Anyone here tonight

look like they feel degraded?

Hey, uh, you into a smoke, bro?

Hell, yeah.

Some of that stuff you were doing tonight

it could stand up anywhere in the world.

You reckon?

Oh yeah, man, you gotta

get yourself to Vegas.

Ah, I don't know, eh, my agent reckons

I need to build a following here first.

Eh, you're the boss. Don't let some

agent tell you what you can do.

Nah, Elaine's cool.

You know, she...

makes sure my bills are paid and

makes sure I get a pretty good wage.

She pays you wages?

That's f***ed, man!

You're the one earning the dough.

You should be paying her wages, eh?

It's your career, though.

Surely you make the big decisions,

write the cheques and stuff?

Nah, she does all that stuff.

How much money do you reckon

this gig would've pulled in tonight?

This guy knows his sh*t.

Over five grand... How much of that

do you end up getting?

Oh, she's got you by the short

and curlies, cuz.

Some good weed, man.

Yeah, it's a hybrid.

Here you go.

Whoa, whoa.

Maybe you'd better ring Elaine first...

ask her

if you're allowed to inhale.

Billy! Billy! Oh, that was a primo

good show, cuz! Yeah.

- Good on you, Billy.

- Thanks, mate.

- How you doing?

- You were great, Billy.

- Good one, Billy.

- Thanks, mate.

Take a photo.

It'll last longer.

I only take photos

of good-looking people,

not kids with bags

stuck to their faces.

It's not stuck, all right?

Got any money?

Jesus, kid. Why aren't you at home

with your family?

Why aren't you at home

with your missus?

Having an affair

or something?

Check it out.

How can you be a comedian

when you're such a dry-balls?

And what does the "T" stand for?

What do you reckon?

Tania.

That's a good one.

Well, you know my name. What's yours?

Kura Manutai.

Where all your mates, Kura?

Where's all your mates, Billy?

Thought so.

You buy yourself a feed, eh?

No glue, right?

Whatever.

# You've taken the sweet wine

out of my life. #

Sir Robert's shock announcement

of a snap election...

was made after a special caucus meeting

when Parliament rose last night.

Sir Robert then paid a late-night visit

to the Governor General,

who agreed to call an early

General Election for...

Time to get up, hon.

It doesn't give him much time

to run up to an election, Prime Minister.

Doesn't give my opponents much time

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