Billy Page #5

---

to run up to an election, does it?

Oh, hey, bub.

What you doing here?

Auntie Lynn picked me up.

Okay, put those cats away

and wash your hands.

There's Weet-Bix and toast

on the bench.

What happened?

The boyfriend is what happened.

Oh, I just wish my sister

would kick him out for good.

Cherie might be with us

for a while this time.

She's family.

You need to get her to school by 9,

then you're meeting Elaine,

and then you're dropping off

those frozen dinners to your dad.

This is my one day off.

You need to put your foot down

with Elaine. We need you too.

I will.

Bye, sweetheart.

You crook?

Yeah, sort of.

I feel crook too.

One of the cats spewed up.

Well, some days

are just hard, eh, bub?

Billy.

Billy!

Wake up.

Oh.

I was meant to take Cherie

to school. Sorry, bub.

We only have athletics.

They make us run around the goalposts

till our lungs collapse.

You also missed

your meeting with me.

I'm exhausted, Elaine.

Well, that's the price you pay

for success.

Oh, it's not just the work.

Oh Jesus, not marriage trouble?

No.

I like to make people happy,

but... it just doesn't stop.

I... I walk into a cafe,

and everyone stares at me.

The staff wants... want autographs

for their kids, of course,

and then some guy will come up to me

and start spouting off these stupid jokes.

Get harassed by Maoris

for selling out and then...

It's because you're famous.

I know you don't like all the attention,

but it's because of those people

you got this far, son.

You need to learn

how to deal with it.

Yeah, by staying home

and sleeping.

Oh, please.

Don't become an arsehole, Billy.

I understand.

You're burnt out.

I understand, love.

Thank you.

I'll make us some breakfast, and then

we can talk about your next TV series.

We got the thumbs up.

That's bloody fantastic.

Elaine?

If you've got something you need

to tell me, Billy, then just do it.

I want my own chequebook.

Is that all? Of course

you can have your own chequebook.

# Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh...

You couldn't get up this morning,

you were so tired...

and you didn't manage

to get Cherie to school.

- What?

- That is not the face of a child...

who's been at athletics all day.

You need to stand up to Elaine

or she'll tour you to death.

Hey, sold-out shows.

Hey!

You smoke too much and eat junk

and work too hard.

I don't give a damn

about sold-out shows.

Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

I'll finish the tour,

finish the TV show,

then I'll tell Elaine

I have to slow down, okay?

# Beautiful children have

come into my life.

# Beautiful people,...

# Oh, oh, oh.

# Oh, young and bright.

# Beautiful children

# longing for life.

Whose place is this?

# Worldly people...

# Oh, oh, oh.

# Take away the night.

You're kidding.

Oh, no, there is no way

we can afford this house.

This is the result

of me working so hard.

I like it.

I really like it.

Whoa...

that's so cool!

It's a place for children.

Hey, love.

We won't be having any, Billy.

# Maybe the world

will turn around.

Well...

we have each other.

And we have Cherie.

That's plenty, I reckon.

# Beautiful children have

come into my life.

# Beautiful people.

# Oh, oh, oh.

# Oh. #

Would you accept

six barrels of gun powder,

for your women,

a quantity of tobacco for your men

and some glue for your children?

How say you, savage?

Have you got any money?

Cut.

Yeah, great stuff. Let's set up

for the next scene, everyone.

Hey.

That's a great sketch.

I don't know, mate.

Hey...

Maoris trading land for glue

for their children?

There is a heap of Maori kids out there

sniffing glue. I see them every day.

And you wanna take the piss?

There's a message

in the laughter, mate.

Bill, you realise you're the one's

gonna cop the flak, not me.

Bring it on.

Hey, who's that prick?

That prick is my manager.

I thought Elaine was your manager.

Yeah, Ike's more like my...

my personal manager.

He's got all the best...

'contacts'.

Oh.

Why not?

Where did I get my bag?

Oh, I pinched it, eh.

A pen. Come on, I need a pen.

Oh.

Oh, hi!

What a surprise!

- You all right?

- Yeah. Yeah, we're fine.

Uh, nice to see you, Lynn.

You guys hungry?

Ah.

We have catering.

Come on.

This came today. It's from the government.

I had to hold myself back from opening it.

Ooh.

Oh, here we go.

- Hey, Rowley.

- Yep?

I'm not that stupid, mate.

Don't know

what you're talking about.

This fake letter.

It's not funny telling somebody

they've got an MBE.

I didn't send you a letter.

Oh sh*t!

Billy's been offered an MBE.

Oh, whoo-ee, boy.

When did they start

handing out gongs to entertainers?

Oh, highest-rating TV series ever.

Entertainer of the decade,

that's all.

You must be the first Maori

to get a gong like that, eh?

Howard Morrison got an OBE.

Yeah, but his OBE stands for

'Ordinary Brown Entertainer'.

Oh, I wish Mum was here.

I can just hear her right now, eh?

'Billy, don't worry about that

MBE thingy.

'If you'd done what I said

and stayed a traffic cop,

you'd have a blimmin'

knighthood by now'.

Now it's middle-class Pakehas

telling me I put down my own people.

Oh, the public love you.

That's all that matters.

The cats took off, Dad.

I can't find them anywhere.

Come on. It's all right.

They'll be back for dinner.

Can you take those off inside, please?

And I've told you before,

don't bring home your mates' things.

They're mine.

Hey.

I thought we agreed,

Cherie needs to earn her presents.

Yes, but as my mum used to say,

you can never give a child too much love.

Love is one thing.

Spoiling is another, Bill.

Hey.

Hey. How you doing?

Oh my God.

- What's that?

- It's a death threat.

Who would do this?

Oh! Whoa!

- Cherie, get in the house now!

- Jesus!

- Ow!

- It's all right, sweetheart.

You okay, sweetheart?

I'll call Elaine and cancel the gig.

It's probably some sort of prank.

And what if it's not, eh?

We can't let threats like this

control our lives. Now off you go.

Please?

Just go.

It's okay. Go.

Go.

It's okay.

Make sure all the doors

and the windows are locked, alright?

Alright, the trouble is, Billy,

this bloody Labour government's

selling out to the Maoris.

I mean don't get me wrong, I love Maoris,

but if a few more of them were like you...

Thanks, Rick.

I'm really glad to meet you, mate.

I'm glad you enjoyed the show.

Thanks, you want a drink?

- Nice work.

- Glad you liked the show.

I meant keeping that racist

Pakeha happy.

He did pay money

to see you, after all.

You spent two hours insulting Maori,

portraying us as halfwits,

and you don't have the courage to confront

Pakeha when they're openly racist.

No wonder they love you.

What is it with Maoris, man?

The bloody Jews went through a holocaust,

but they can still laugh at themselves.

I'm just a comedian, okay?

Nah, you're a potato.

Brown on the outside, white on the inside.

Okay.

I'll see you around, brother.

You're not my brother.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes