Birthday Girl Page #3

who paid?

That's normal friendship stuff.

Tightwad.

What was "Cats" like?

"Cats"... not bad.

Yeah, it was so-so.

I'd give it three stars.

- The sets were good.

- The sets were excellent.

Everything was very big...

the trash, coke cans...

so you felt cat-size.

It was really clever.

So...

tell me...

how many times

did you have to f*** him?

Two?

Three?

You scared me

with the kettle.

How are you doing?

You okay?

Listen, uh, let me

show you something.

Maybe this is gonna

make it easy, you know?

Look, uh, look...

uh, this is, uh, German guy.

Okay? This is, uh,

Switzerland.

This is, uh, Greek...

Greek guy.

This is, uh, a croupier.

This is a fat guy.

You see? No.

And this is, uh,

this is you.

Listen, John,

you know, uh...

they weren't... you know, they

weren't as good as you are.

You... you shouldn't

feel so bad, huh?

Okay, um, I need this.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's enough, isn't it?

We can stop now.

Do you want to stop?

Yes.

Well, stop then.

What's this?

What? It's nothing.

I burnt myself.

- Yeah? A rope burn?

- No. I did it cooking.

On both wrists?

I said I did it cooking.

Are you lying?

And that story...

the binoculars...

was that true?

I'm going to that arcade.

They've got GranTurismo.

Have fun.

Listen.

I made you something.

Put it on.

I want to see if it fits.

- Do you like it?

- Yes.

- Say thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you.

We're going to have a baby.

What?

Yes. I'm pregnant.

- What?

- We're going to have a baby.

I've been throwing up

for weeks.

It's yours.

What are we supposed to do

with a baby?

Think of a name for it.

John's been with us

for, uh, 10 years,

and, uh, I think I speak

for us all

when I say I hope he, uh,

I hope he gets 10 years.

Banking asks a great deal

of an individual.

It says, "Here's all this money.

Don't... steal it. "

We are insured for this sort of

thing, so it's not the money,

it's just... I sat next to him

for years,

and, uh, he seemed

perfectly normal.

Sort of, good-old John.

Ah!

Ahh!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooooooh.

Ooh... ooh...

ooh.

Ahhh!

Great.

You split my f***ing lip.

Waitress:
Good morning.

What can I get for you?

Uh, I'll have

an espresso with, um...

with a small pastry

or a croissant.

We only do a croissant

with the continental breakfast.

Uh, just... just give me

a coffee.

One coffee.

And for you, sir?

He'll have a coffee.

It makes it easier, okay?

It makes it faster.

I worked it out.

If I don't speak English,

the men, they...

they fall faster.

Look, they don't blame you.

When a bank employee does

this, they... they understand.

You get your life back.

Hmm.

Anyway, I bet... I bet

you hated the bank, huh?

Why else would you

send off for me?

L- if you just wanted sex,

just go to a prostitute.

Well, as it turns out,

I did.

Ahh!

- Here we are.

- Lovely.

- Splendid. Thank you.

- I don't want it. Take it back.

I'll... I'll have it.

- Lovely.

- Pleasure.

Oh, excuse me.

Um...

Where are we?

Uh, we're just

outside Newbury.

Do you know where

the nearest police station is?

Um, that would be

Marlborough.

Two junctions

in that direction.

One or two.

I can't remember.

So about five

or ten minutes?

Five or ten minutes.

Not far.

Lovely. Perfect.

Thanks.

- Pleasure.

- Thank you.

John, uh...

John, I...

I need your help.

Ooh.

You must think I'm the

biggest pillock in the world.

I know you just want

to punish me.

I do.

I want to very badly.

So, what, y-y-you're...

you're just going to be...

How do you say...

vindictive!

In every sense.

If at all possible.

You can't hurt me

more than I'm hurt already.

Well, Nadia,

if it's all the same to you,

I'd like to give it

a bash.

My name is not Nadia.

John, in Russia, there is

no work for women.

Sometimes you get

drawn into something.

You don't know how

it's going to end.

- Here we go.

- What?

No, go on. I've been actually

looking forward to this bit.

What?

"It's so hard in Russia in winter

that we have to eat each other.

"It's so cold that

we have to go to England

and shag people

to keep warm. "

I'm just saying... the life

there for women is very hard.

No, I'm sure.

The rest of the world is

not like St. Albans, John.

Well, thank Christ

for that.

So... Alexei... which

I know isn't his name...

- He will be back.

- I beg your pardon?

He left me my ticket

and passport.

It's pretty clear

he wants to see me again.

Yeah, actually, yes.

Yeah.

I tend to tie up and abandon women

I really want to see again, too.

No, but you tie them up.

Woman:
Well, I was queuing up

at the checkout,

and I think I put my bag

on the floor...

All right, would you like to

give me some details, love?

- Where's the toilet?

- What?

I'm going to be sick.

Where's the toilet?

- No, you're not.

- I am going to be sick!

Nice one. How stupid

do you think I am?

Where's the toilet?

The what, love?

Where's the toilet?

Through that door,

up the stairs,

and it's just on

the left.

You're pregnant...

aren't you?

Can I help you?

Hmm?

Sir?

Can I help you?

Hmm... no.

Thank you.

Reporter:
... And finally, a St.

Albans bank clerk is on the run today

after stealing 90, 000 in broad

daylight from his own branch.

John Buckingham,

who lived alone

and had been with the branch

for over 10 years,

was described by bosses

as a "workhorse. "

Now police are on the lookout

for a bright orange...

Oh, Jesus.

We'd better get off

this motorway.

- You got your passport?

- Yes.

- When's your flight?

- It's tomorrow.

I want you to know...

I appreciate this.

I'm sorry you're a fugitive

from justice.

John...

So when you were

a little girl, you know,

running around Russia

with your binoculars on,

did you think,

"When I grow up, I want to

f*** loads of strange men,

"steal their homes, jobs,

and their dignity,

"but what I really

want to do

"is I want to end up on my own,

flat-broke, knocked up, bun in the oven,

back to Moscow

on an Aeroflot"?

So tell me, John...

did you say,

"When I grow up,

"what I want is

to still be in this town,

"in this job that I hate,

in a house with ants,

"and a big bag

of pornography,

"and then I'm going to send off

to Russia for a wife,

and she will fall in love

with me"?

What did you expect,

John?

What did you really

expect to happen?

Hey, John, they're looking

for this car.

This is not

a very good plan.

Dear Nadia,

You are only girl in world.

I dream to talk.

What will happen?

How far is the airport?

What are we going

to do, John?

"This newly built, 2-bedroom

villa is peacefully seated

"in a hillside above the

stone-walled village harbour.

It has its own swimming pool. "

Ah, sh*t.

I have no more cigarettes.

So what happened

between you and the blonde?

What?

The, uh, the short...

the one with the small eyes.

The one in your cupboard.

Hmm?

It's none of your business.

She didn't have small eyes.

Did she leave you?

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