Bite Marks Page #2

cremated and have my ashes

mailed to Val Kilmer.

What the hell are you doing?

I wanna see the coffins!

What for? You never seen a coffin before?

Be a good girl and get back inside.

Well, all right. Drive safe

and watch your backside.

Turn right onto Grover Mill Road.

Brewster!

Brewster!

Damn it! I told you to keep me awake!

We could have been killed!

Well, that's what we were doing.

We were playing "Punch Buggy."

Have you seen a Volkswagen on this road?

Have you seen a car in the last two hours?

I just saw one. Real close!

Hey! Cram it with walnuts, Cary!

Hey, mudflap! Don't get pissed off

because you almost killed us!

Hey! Don't touch me! I'll flatten ya!

Get your hands over him!

Hey!

Congratulations. You have

reached your destination.

This can't be it. This ain't no funeral home.

Can you see the address?

No.

You have reached your destination.

Maybe you put the wrong address in.

It's pre-programmed.

Maybe it's in the back!

Okay, okay! So what are you gonna do?

Well, I'm blocking the road.

I don't really have a choice.

Grab your wieners and pray for rain.

Here outta be good.

What was that?

Better not be what I think it is.

What's the matter?

Hell if I know, Cary.

Didn't your GED exam

have a section on trucks?

You can't stay here! You're

trespassing, for sure!

Hey, this wouldn't

be a funeral home, would it?

Naw, we do Brazilian waxes.

What's the matter, son? You piss yourself?

Nah, like if I were an avocado at

a mosquito convention pissing on

a firecracker, how about that?

Now get that truck outta here!

Let me check something first.

Sh*t.

Hey, my front axle's broken.

I ain't going nowhere.

Well, you can come in the office with me.

We can call this mechanic I use sometimes.

I bet he could weld that axle together

long enough to get you to a garage, for sure.

I gotta call a mechanic. I'll be right back.

Don't... jizz on anything.

This here's the mechanic I use. Good guy.

Reliable. Fair prices.

Okay, okay. Sold.

Geez, does he give you a

cut for new business?

Yeah... ten percent.

You want some coffee?

Yeah... And a bathroom.

I've had to pee since dinner.

Well, you're in luck. Best

thing about being a man is-

the whole world's your toilet.

Why, out there, there are hundreds

of places you can drain the tank

and look at metal twisted into

shapes you never dreamed of.

It's like... it's like pissing in

an art museum.

It's gonna take him days

to get that axle fixed.

I say we sleep here tonight, and head

out on our own again in the morning.

What, and just leave him?

We just met the guy.

It's not like we're gonna

follow him on Twitter.

Besides, have you noticed

how he's been acting

since we left the diner? Something's wrong.

You're imagining things.

I say we stick it out with him.

Why?

Did you hear that?

Yeah... what the heck was it?

It's coming from the trailer.

I'm gonna go see what it is.

Don't! Vogel, wait!

Let's see what's inside.

Do you want your balls chewed off?

You always know how to turn me on.

Give me the flashlight.

That's your flashlight?

You couldn't give a hamster

a colonoscopy with that!

We're hiking crosscountry,

not going spelunking!

Give me the cell phone.

I thought it had a flashlight.

I didn't download the app.

Great! Thirty different fart noises

but he couldn't download a flashlight!

Are you coming?

I love you.

Me, too.

Careful! It's slippery!

It's like the backroom

of the Man Cave in here.

Remember that?

That wasn't me.

What the hell? Turn it back on!

Press the button at the bottom.

Why won't it stay on?

It'll use up the battery.

They're not meant to be used as flashlights.

You should have downloaded the app.

There wasn't enough memory. Too much porn.

Yeah, well, I need the stimulation.

Well, French kiss a light socket.

And you say that I'm

the one that's orally fixated.

Damn! Damn! Damn and blast it!

Did you hurt yourself?

All right, all right. What did you bump into?

A coffin.

Well, that's what he said he was hauling.

Do you see what made that noise?

No.

Hey, swing your light around.

What?

Didn't Brewster say he

was carrying a load of coffins?

I only see one.

Hey! What are you doing? Get out of there!

It's leaking something.

I thought you were

carrying a bunch of coffins?

There's only one inside.

What?

What is it?

There's supposed to

be about five coffins in there.

I'd better check the invoice.

You ready to hit the road?

No way! Let's check this place out!

One, two... five. There's

supposed to be five!

Crow in a blender!

That's a really

photogenic pile of junk, Cary.

You'd like it better if it wore a Speedo.

Everything looks better in a Speedo!

Hey!

Hey!

Hey, take a picture of me!

Now that's art!

I bet I could operate one of these babies!

It's a little different

than putting in a quarter

and going for a stuffed bear.

Hey, I always got that stuffed bear!

Seriously, though. My Dad used

to sell these to the military.

Well, it's big and heavy

and has a large appendage.

Why am I not surprised?

You know, there are sculptors

who make art out of junk.

Noble and Webster's heads would

explode if they saw all this.

Damn it! Thought I had that fixed.

The mechanic just called. He'll

be here in a couple of hours.

You hear me?

I said, the...

mechanic's gonna be late.

Vogel, do you hear that?

I think this used to be a vibrator.

Listen!

What is that?

Sounds like Carnie Wilson

with a plate of chicken wings.

What are you doing?

YouTube.

It looks like they're... eating him.

I think you had the right idea.

Let's grab my backpack from

the truck and beat cheeks!

No sudden moves.

They're too busy to notice us.

Do you think they're zombies?

I don't know.

Brewster! What's wrong? Get up, man!

The camera flash! He must be an epileptic!

He's having a seizure!

What do we do?

We have to get him back to the truck!

How are we gonna do that?

Grab an arm!

They're coming! Pull! Pull!

Hurry! Go! Go!

I can't! He's too heavy!

Why'd they stop?

I don't know. But let's go, we're close!

Are they playing with us?

I've no idea. Let's try something.

Reverse!

I don't know what's going on,

but let's get Brewster back to the truck!

I don't get it! They could

have easily caught...

us. It's like they're playing cat and mouse.

- "Cat" is right!

- You f***ing pussies!

You never learn, do you?

What do we do?

Get him some water.

C'mon, Brewster, you're an NRA poster child.

You have to have a gun!

What happened to my water?

Oh... I drank it.

Why did you put the bottle back?

Do we have to talk about this, now?

Just get him some water!

That's wrong on so many levels.

Why don't they just break through the window?

Zombies are too weak.

They're not zombies. Zombies don't run.

What about in DAWN OF THE DEAD?

The zombies didn't run in DAWN OF THE DEAD.

The remake.

The remake!

Yeah, I know. The original had subtext.

You know what else the

original had? Blue zombies!

You have to admit that the first

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