Blithe Spirit Page #3

Not recently, except my cousin in the civil

service, and we haven't spoken for years.

Are you Mr Condomine's cousin

in the civil service?

No, no. l'm afraid we've drawn a blank.

Try and think of someone else.

Rack your brains.

lt might be old Mrs Plummet.

She died on Whit Monday.

Why should old Mrs Plummet wish to speak

to me? We had very little in common.

lt's worth trying.

Are you old Mrs Plummet?

She was deaf. Perhaps you'd better shout.

(Louder) Are you old Mrs Plummet?

No, there's nobody there at all.

- Just as we were getting on so nicely.

- Violet, be quiet.

l'm afraid there's nothing for it

but for me to go into a trance.

- Excuse me while l start the gramophone.

- Not Always. Don't play Always.

l must. lt would be imprudent to change horses

in midstream, if you know what l mean.

Oh, well, have it your own way.

ORCHESTRA:
? Always

(Madame Arcati inhales deeply)

(Exhales deeply)

(ln little girl's voice) Little Tommy Tucker

sings for his supper.

What shall we give him

but brown bread and butter?

- Daphne ought to have had her adenoids out.

- George, please!

(Screams)

- Good heavens.

- Sh!

lt's trying to get away. l can't hold it.

Press down hard.

Ought we to pick it up or leave it where it is?

- How the devil should l know?

- No need to snap at me.

l suppose we'd better pick it up.

WOMAN:
Leave it where it is.

Who said that?

- Who said what?

- Somebody said, ''Leave it where it is.''

- Nonsense, dear.

- l heard it distinctly.

- Nobody else did, did they?

- l never heard a sound.

- lt was you, Ruth. You're playing tricks.

- l'm doing nothing of the sort.

WOMAN:
Good evening, Charles.

Ventriloquism, that's what it is.

RUTH:
What's the matter with you?

- One of you must have heard that.

Heard what?

You mean to tell me

none of you heard anything at all?

- l certainly didn't .

- Neither did l. l should love to hear something.

lt's you who are playing the tricks.

You're trying to frighten us.

l'm not. l swear l'm not.

Difficult to think of what to say after seven years.

''Good evening'' is as good as anything else.

Who are you?

Elvira, of course.

Don't be so silly.

l can't bear this.

Get up. The entertainment's over.

Charles, how tiresome of you.

Just as we were beginning to enjoy ourselves.

Never again.

Never, never again, as long as l live.

Did you hear something we didn't hear?

No, of course not. l was only pretending.

l knew you were.

Oh, dear. Look at Madame Arcati.

RUTH:
What are we to do with her?

Bring her round as soon as possible.

DR BRADMAN:
She's out, all right.

lt's dangerous to leave her like this.

Really, Charles,

you're behaving most peculiarly.

Madame Arcati, wake up! Time to go home!

- Steady.

- Get some brandy.

What on earth's the matter with you?

CHARLES:
Get some brandy!

Help me. l'll take the feet. Lift her into the chair.

Wake up, Madame Arcati.

Little Tommy Tucker, Madame Arcati!

Here's the brandy.

- She's coming round.

- Charles, you're spilling it down her dress.

Well, that's that.

- Are you all right?

- Certainly l am. l never felt better in my life.

- Well, what happened? Was it satisfactory?

- Oh, nothing much happened after you went off.

Something happened, all right. l can feel it.

No poltergeists, at any rate. That's a good thing.

- Any apparitions?

- Not a thing.

- What? No ectoplasm?

RUTH:
l'm not sure what that is. l don't think so.

Curious. l feel as if something tremendous

had taken place.

RUTH:
Charles pretended he heard a voice

to frighten us.

Oh, it was only a joke.

A poor one, if l may say so.

l'm prepared to swear that there's someone else

psychic in this room apart from myself.

l don't really see how there could be.

l do hope l haven't released something.

However, we'll find out in a day or two.

lf any manifestations should occur or you hear

any unexpected noises, let me know at once.

RUTH:
Oh, of course we will.

MADAME ARCATl:
l must be on my way now.

- Wouldn't you like something before you go?

- No, l have some Ovaltine all ready at home.

lt only needs hotting up.

- Goodbye.

- lt was sweet of you to come.

l'm sorry so little occurred. lt's that cold of

Daphne's, l expect. You know what children are.

- We must try again some other evening.

- That would be lovely.

- Good night.

- lt was thrilling.

l felt the table absolutely shaking

under my hands.

- Good night, Doctor.

- Congratulations.

l'm fully aware of the irony in your voice.

You'd make an excellent subject

for telepathic hypnosis.

A great chum of mine's an expert.

l'd like her to look you over.

l'm sure l should be charmed.

- Well, good night, everyone.

ALL:
Good night.

Thank you. Next time, we must really

put our backs into it. Good night.

Be careful. She might hear you.

l can't help it. l've been holding this in for ages.

But do you think she really believes?

The whole thing's a put-up job,

though she shoots a more original line

than they generally do.

MRS BRADMAN:
l hope Mr Condomine

got all the atmosphere he wanted.

RUTH:
He would have got more, if he hadn't

spoilt it by showing off. l'm very cross with him.

l suddenly felt a draught.

- There must be a window open.

- They're shut.

One of those what-d'you-call-'ems

Madame Arcati was talking about?

Elementals?

She distinctly said it was the wrong time

of the year for elementals.

(Chuckling)

The old girl went pedalling off

at a hell of a speed.

Had a bit of trouble lighting her lamp.

l've got a theory about her.

l believe she's completely sincere.

RUTH:
Charles, how could she be?

DR BRADMAN:
l've got to get up early

tomorrow. l have a patient in Canterbury.

MRS BRADMAN:
lt's been thrilling.

lt was sweet of you to include us.

DR BRADMAN:
Good night.

- Sure you won't have a drink?

Quite sure. l must do a little reading up

on the whole business, just for the fun of it.

We'll let you know if we find any poltergeists.

- l should never forgive you if you didn't.

- Come along.

RUTH:
Well, darling?

- Well?

Would you say the evening had been profitable?

Hm, l suppose so.

RUTH:
What's the matter?

CHARLES:
Matter?

Yes, you seem odd, somehow.

- Do you feel quite well?

- Hm, l'm fine.

- l think l'll have a drink. Do you want one?

- No, thank you, dear.

Brr! lt's getting very chilly.

- Oh, my God!

(Glass shatters)

That was very clumsy, Charles, dear.

Elvira. Then, it's true. lt...

- lt was you.

- Of course it was.

Charles? Darling, Charles,

what are you talking about?

Are you a...

- a ghost?

- l suppose l must be.

lt's all very confusing.

What do you keep looking over there for?

What's happened?

- Don't you see?

- See what?

Elvira.

Elvira?

Yes.

Elvira, dear, this is Ruth.

Ruth, this is Elvira.

Come and sit down, darling.

Do you mean to say you can't see her?

Charles, you just sit down quietly by the fire.

l'll fix you another drink.

Don't worry about the mess on the carpet.

But you must be able to see her.

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