Blithe Spirit Page #5

we had quite a cosy little chat.

You seriously expect me to believe

that you weren't drunk?

l wasn't. lf l'd been all that drunk,

l should have a dreadful hangover.

l'm not at all sure you haven't.

l haven't got a trace of a headache.

My tongue's not coated. Look at it.

l've not the least desire to look at your tongue.

Put it in again.

Please, ma'am.

- Yes, Edith?

- Cook wants to know about lunch, ma'am.

- Will you be in to lunch?

- l shall be perfectly happy with a bottle of gin.

Don't be silly, dear.

- Tell Cook we shall both be in.

- Yessum.

l'm going into Hythe. ls there anything you want?

Yes, a great deal,

but l doubt if you can get it in Hythe.

- l've put Alka-Seltzer down on my list.

- Women! What l think of women.

Your view of women is academic. Just because

you've always been dominated by them,

it doesn't follow

that you know anything about them.

l've never been dominated by anyone.

Hag-ridden by your mother until you were 23,

then you got into the clutches of that awful Mrs...

- Mrs Winthrop Llewellyn.

- l'm not interested.

Then there was Elvira.

She ruled you with a rod of iron.

Elvira never ruled anyone. She was far

too elusive. lt was one of her greatest charms.

Then there was Maud Charteris.

lf you wish to make an inventory of my sex life,

you've missed out several episodes.

l'll consult my diary

and give you a complete list after lunch.

- Charles.

- Yes?

Alcohol will ruin your whole life

if you allow it to get a hold on you, you know.

Once and for all, Ruth, what happened last night

was nothing whatever to do with alcohol.

lt may have been

some form of psychic delusion,

but l was stone-cold sober from first to last

and extremely upset.

You were upset, indeed? What about me?

You behaved with an obtuse lack

of comprehension which shocked me.

lnstead of putting out a hand to guide me,

you shouted orders at me like a sergeant major.

You called me a guttersnipe.

You told me to shut up.

When l suggested that we should go to bed,

you said, with a most disgusting leer,

it was an immoral suggestion.

l was talking to Elvira.

lf you were, it conjures up a fragrant picture

of your first marriage.

lt was charming. lt's in the worst possible taste

for you to sneer at it.

l'm not interested in your first marriage.

lt's your second marriage that is absorbing me.

lt seems to me to be on the rocks.

Only because

you take up this ridiculous attitude.

My attitude is that of any normal woman whose

husband gets drunk and hurls abuse at her.

l was not drunk!

- Quiet. They'll hear you in the kitchen.

- l don't care if they hear me in Folkestone.

l was not drunk!

- Did you call, sir?

- No!

(Birds chirp)

Charles, dear, if you weren't drunk,

how do you account for it?

l can't account for it.

- What did you have for lunch?

- You ought to know. You had it with me.

Let me see.

There was lemon sole and that cheese thing.

Why should having a cheese thing for lunch

make me see my deceased wife after dinner?

- You never know. lt was rather rich.

- Why didn't you see your dead husband?

- This isn't getting us anywhere.

- No, of course it isn't.

- Charles, dear.

- Yes?

Perhaps there's something

pressing on your brain.

lf there was something pressing on my brain,

l should have violent headaches.

Not necessarily.

An uncle of mine had a lump the size of a cricket

ball pressing on his brain. He never felt a thing.

l should know if l had anything like that.

- He didn't.

- Well, what happened to him?

He had it taken out.

Been bright as a button ever since.

Did he have any delusions?

Did he think he saw things that weren't there?

No, l don't think so.

Then what the blazes are we talking

about him for? A waste of valuable time.

Well, l just brought him up as an example.

- How do you feel now?

- Physically, do you mean?

- Well, altogether.

- Apart from being worried, l feel quite normal.

Good. You're not seeing or hearing

anything in the least unusual?

Not a thing.

- What's the matter now?

- She's here again.

- What do you mean? Who's here again?

- Elvira.

You've absolutely ruined that border

by the sundial. lt looks like a mixed salad.

Charles, pull yourself together.

- All those nasturtiums. They're so vulgar.

- l like nasturtiums.

- You like what?

- They're all right in moderation.

ln a mass, like that, they look beastly.

- Ruth, you've got to help me.

- What did you mean about nasturtiums?

Never mind about that now.

l tell you, she's here again.

- You've been having some nice scenes.

- Mind your own business!

lf you behaving like a lunatic isn't my business,

what is?

l expect they were about me. l know

l ought to feel sorry, but l'm not. l'm delighted.

How can you be so inconsiderate?

lnconsiderate?!

l like that. l've done everything l can to help.

l've controlled myself admirably and l don't

believe a word about your beastly hallucination.

- Ruth, please...

- Don't come near me.

- A nice cry will do her good.

- You're utterly heartless.

- Heartless?!

- l wasn't talking to you. l was talking to Elvira!

Very well. Talk to her until you're blue

in the face, but don't talk to me.

- Help me, Elvira.

- How?

- Well, make her see you.

- l couldn't possibly manage that.

lt's technically the most difficult business,

frightfully complicated, takes years of study.

l don't care how technical it is. You've got to try.

You are here, aren't you? You're not an illusion.

No. l was afraid not.

Yes, but...

Well...

l don't mean to be rude, but you must see...

Yes. Well, you must make me a promise.

You only come and talk to me when l'm alone.

- That's better than not seeing me at all.

- Charles.

- l'm awfully sorry l was cross...

- But, my dear...

l understand everything now. l do, really.

- You do?

- Of course l do.

- Look out. She's up to something.

- Please be quiet.

Of course, darling. We'll all be quiet.

We'll be as quiet as little mice.

- But, Ruth...

- l want you to come upstairs and go to bed.

The way that woman harps on bed.

l'll deal with you later.

Very well, darling. Come along.

- What are you up to?

- l'm not up to anything.

Just go quietly to bed

and wait there till Dr Bradman comes.

No, Ruth, you're wrong!

She'll have you in a straitjacket.

Listen, Ruth, if l promise to go to bed,

- would you let me stay for five minutes longer?

- l think it...

However mad it may seem,

bear with me for just five minutes longer.

Very well. What is it?

Sit down.

- All right. There.

- Listen carefully.

Have a cigarette. lt'll soothe your nerves.

- l don't want a cigarette.

- Then you shan't have one.

l want to explain to you, calmly and without

emotion, that beyond any shadow of doubt,

the ghost or shade or whatever you like to call it

of my first wife Elvira is in this room now.

Yes, dear.

l know you're trying valiantly to humour me,

but l'm going to prove it to you.

- Promise you'll do what l ask.

- That depends on what it is.

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