Blithe Spirit Page #6

- Ruth, you see this bowl of flowers on the table?

- Yes, dear, l did them myself.

- Very untidily, if l may say so.

- You may not.

Very well. l never will again. l promise.

Elvira will now carry the bowl of flowers

over to you and back again.

You will, Elvira, won't you? Just to please me.

Well, just once. Please?

Thank you.

- Now, watch carefully, Ruth.

- Yes, dear.

Well, go on, Elvira. Take them over to Ruth.

How dare you, Charles.

You ought to be ashamed of yourself.

What on earth for?

lt's a trick. l know it's a trick.

You've been working up to this.

lt's all part of some horrible plan.

lt isn't. l swear it isn't.

- For heaven's sake, do something else.

- Certainly. Anything to oblige.

You want to get rid of me.

You're trying to drive me out of my mind.

l'm not going to put up with this any longer.

- You must believe me. You must.

- Let me go.

- lt was Elvira. l swear it was.

- Let me go.

Ruth, please!

Charles, this is madness, sheer madness.

lt's some sort of autosuggestion, some form

of hypnotism. Swear to me it's only that.

Hypnotism, my foot!

(Screams)

My dear Mrs Condomine, how nice of you to call.

- l do hope it isn't inconvenient.

- Good heavens, no.

Come inside.

Oh, do go into the sitting room, Mrs Condomine.

(Squawks)

You're just in time for a cup of tea,

if you don't mind China.

- Not at all.

- l never touch lndian. lt upsets my vibrations.

Do come and sit down.

(Whistles)

Good egg! l'll have this made in a jiffy.

Madame Arcati, l'm profoundly disturbed

and l want your help.

Splendid. l thought as much. Well, fire away.

lt's most awfully difficult to explain.

Well, facts first, explanations afterwards.

lt's the facts that are so difficult to explain.

They are so fantastic.

Facts very often are.

Come now. Take the plunge. Out with it.

You've heard strange noises

in the night, no doubt.

Boards creaking? Doors slamming?

Subdued moaning in the passages?

- ls that it?

- No, l'm afraid it isn't.

No sudden gusts of cold wind, l hope?

No. lt's worse than that.

l'm all attention.

l know it sounds idiotic, but the other night,

during the seance, something happened.

l knew it.

Probably a poltergeist. They're enormously

cunning. They sometimes lie doggo for days.

(Squawks) Pretty boy, pretty boy,

pretty, pretty boy.

Now, carry on. l'm all ears.

- You know my husband was married before?

- Yes, l had heard it mentioned.

His first wife, Elvira, died comparatively young.

She was convalescing from pneumonia.

One evening she began to laugh helplessly at

a musical programme and died of a heart attack.

Just a moment, please.

Now, where did she die?

ln our present house.

(Whistles)

l'm beginning to see daylight.

She materialised the other evening

after l'd gone.

Not to me, but to my husband.

Capital! Capital! Oh, but that's splendid.

At last! At last! A genuine materialisation.

Da-da-da-da!

Please sit down.

How could anyone sit down at such a moment?

lt's tremendous!

l haven't had such a success

since the Sudbury case.

Nevertheless, l must insist upon you sitting down

and controlling your exuberance.

l fully appreciate your pride in your achievement,

but it has made my position untenable.

l hold you entirely responsible.

Forgive me, Mrs Condomine.

l'm being abominably selfish.

How can l help you?

How? By sending her back

to where she came from, of course.

- Well, where is she now?

- My husband's driven her into Folkestone.

She was anxious to see an old friend

who's staying at The Grand.

This whole business is very difficult for Ruth.

Well, she should learn to be more adaptable.

Well, she probably will in time.

l doubt it, Charles.

She's got a hard mouth.

Her mouth gives her away.

Her mouth's got nothing to do with it.

l resent your discussing Ruth

as though she were a horse.

l take it your husband was devoted to her?

l believe so.

Husband devoted.

lt was apparently a reasonably happy marriage.

- You say she is visible only to your husband?

- Yes.

Visible...only...to...husband.

Audible, too, l presume?

Extremely audible.

Extremely...audible.

- Do you love her?

- Yes, of course.

As much as you loved me?

CHARLES:
Don't be silly. lt's entirely different.

You always behaved very badly.

l'm grieved to see that your sojourn in

the other world hasn't improved you in the least.

The time has come

for me to admit to you frankly, Mrs Condomine,

that l haven't the faintest idea

how to get rid of her.

Do you mean to sit there and tell me

that having mischievously conjured up this ghost

or spirit or whatever she is

and placed me in a hideous position,

you are unable to do anything about it?

Well, honesty is the best policy.

This is outrageous.

l ought to hand you over to the police.

You go too far, Mrs Condomine.

l go too far, indeed?

Do you realise what your insane

amateur muddling has done?

l have been a professional

ever since l was a child.

''Amateur'' is a word that l cannot tolerate.

lt seems to be the height of amateurishness to

invoke spirits and not be able to get rid of them.

l resent your tone, Mrs Condomine, l really do.

You have no right to.

You are to blame for the whole horrible situation.

May l remind you that l came to your house

on your own invitation?

On my husband's invitation.

lt was planned in order for him to get material for

a story he's writing about a homicidal medium.

Am l to understand that l was only invited

in a spirit of mockery?

No, no. He merely wanted to make notes

of some of the tricks of the trade.

''Tricks of the trade''?

lnsufferable!

l've never been so insulted in my life.

l feel we have nothing more

to say to one another.

But, Madame Arcati, please!

Your attitude has been most unpleasant

and your remarks discourteous in the extreme.

l would like to say that if you and your husband

have been foolish enough

to tamper with the unseen

for paltry motives and in a spirit of ribaldry,

whatever has happened to you is your own fault.

To coin a phrase, as far as l'm concerned,

you can stew in your own juice.

Good afternoon, Mrs Condomine.

- What on earth are you doing here?

- Calling on Madame Arcati.

- Whatever for?

- To get rid of me, to get me exorcised.

ls that true, Ruth?

- ls what true?

- You went to Madame Arcati to exorcise Elvira.

- We discussed the possibility.

- There's a snake in the grass for you.

- l'm afraid Elvira's sitting here.

- Oh, to blazes with Elvira!

You know, Charles,

she's absolutely ruined this room.

She's done nothing of the kind.

lt's all a question of taste.

My poor darling Charles.

As far as taste is concerned,

your second marriage was a disaster.

Just look at that awful picture

and that terrifying dress.

- What's the matter with it?

- What's the matter with what?

l think it's very charming.

The situation is impossible and you know it.

lf only you'd make an effort to be friendly

to Elvira, we might all have a jolly time.

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