Blithe Spirit Page #8

Ruth!

(Rings)

Hello. Yes. Speaking.

Yes.

The bridge at the bottom of the hill?

Yes. Yes. l'll come at once.

Ruth!

Well, of all the filthy low-down tricks.

Ow! Ruth!

Stop it!

Get away, you barmy spirit.

Leave me alone!

Leave me alo-o-o-one!

Oh, Ruth!

Oh, no! Leave me alone!

Oh, Ruth!

ELVlRA:
Why did... ? (Squeals and sobs)

(Knock at door)

- Come in.

Thank you, Edith.

(Phone rings)

Ohh...

Hello.

Oh, hello, Mr Condomine.

l hope you won't consider this an intrusion,

Mr Condomine,

but l felt a tremendous urge, like a rushing wind,

so l hopped on my bike and here l am.

l reproach myself bitterly. l threw out the sponge.

ln a moment of crisis, l threw out the sponge,

instead of throwing down the gauntlet.

Whatever you threw,

there's nothing whatever to be done.

Oh, but there is. There is.

l've found a formula.

lt came to me last night, Mr Condomine.

lt came to me in a blinding flash.

l'd finished my Ovaltine and turned out the light,

when l started up in bed with a loud cry.

''Great Scott!'' l said. ''l've got it.''

At three in the morning, with my brain seething,

l went to work on my crystal.

Pluck up your heart, Mr Condomine.

All is not lost.

l'm very glad to hear it, but l think

we should leave things as they are.

l... l... l...

Mr Condomine...

lf you'll pardon my bluntness,

Mr Condomine, l think you're a blithering idiot!

You're at liberty to think whatever you please.

Oh, well, have it your own way,

but l warn you that it's no good

locking the stable door after the horse has gone!

Charles, l can't stand this house another minute.

- l'm surprised at you.

- l don't care how surprised you are.

- l want to go home.

- Don't be childish.

l'm not being childish.

Ruth has hardly left my side for a minute.

- Well, is she here now?

- No, she's upstairs, lying down.

The funeral exhausted her.

This whole thing has been a failure.

A dreary, miserable failure

and, oh, what high hopes l started out with.

You can't expect much sympathy from me.

Your highest hope was to murder me.

Don't put it like that. lt sounds so beastly.

Anyway, it was only because l loved you.

The silliest thing l ever did

in my whole life was to love you.

You were always unworthy of me.

That remark comes perilously

near impertinence, Elvira.

l sat there on the other side, day after day,

just longing for you. l did, really.

That was why l put myself down for a return visit

and had to fill in all those forms

and wait about in draughty passages for hours.

lf only you'd died before you met Ruth,

everything might have been all right.

She's absolutely ruined you. l hadn't been

in the house for a day before l realised that.

Your books aren't as good

as they used to be, either.

Entirely untrue. Ruth encouraged me

in my work, which is more than you ever did.

That's probably what's wrong with it.

All you thought about was enjoying yourself.

Well, why shouldn't l have fun?

l died young, didn't l?

You needn't have died at all

if you hadn't gone out in that punt

with Guy Henderson and got soaked to the skin.

lt was not a punt. lt was a little launch.

l don't care if it was a three-masted schooner.

You had no right to go.

You behaved abominably over Guy Henderson.

- There's no use pretending you didn't.

- Guy adored me.

Anyway, he was very attractive.

You told me that he didn't attract you in the least.

You'd have gone through the roof,

if l'd told you that he did.

Anyway, you seem to forget why l went.

You seem to forget

that you spent the entire evening

making sheep's eyes

at that overblown harridan in the false pearls.

A woman in Cynthia Cheviot's position

would hardly wear false pearls.

They were practically all she was wearing.

l'm pained to observe that seven years

in the echoing vaults of eternity

have in no way impaired your native vulgarity.

That was the remark of a pompous ass.

- l'm sick of these insults. Please go away.

- Nothing l should like to do better.

You've got to get hold of that old girl and set her

to work. l won't tolerate this another minute.

For heaven's sake, don't snivel.

She's got to get me out of this.

- l want to go home.

- l quite agree and the sooner the better.

Looking back on our married years, l see now,

with horrid clarity, that they were a mockery.

You invite mockery, Charles.

lt's something to do with your personality,

a certain seedy grandeur.

- Once...

- You never suspected it,

but l laughed at you steadily

from the altar to the grave.

All your ridiculous petty jealousies

and your fussings and fumings.

You were feckless, irresponsible and morally

unstable. l realised that at Budleigh Salterton.

Nobody but a monumental bore

would have thought

of having a honeymoon in Budleigh Salterton.

What is the matter with Budleigh Salterton?

l was an eager young bride, Charles.

l wanted glamour and music and romance.

What l got was potted palms,

seven hours of every day on a damp golf course

and a three-piece orchestra

playing Merry England.

- Pity you didn't tell me so at the time.

- You wouldn't listen.

That was why l went out on the moors that day

with Captain Bracegirdle.

l was desperate.

You swore to me that you'd gone over

to see your aunt in Exmouth.

Mm, it was the moors.

- With Captain Bracegirdle.

- Hm, with Captain Bracegirdle.

With Captain Brace...

l might have known it.

What a fool l was. What a blind fool.

- Did he make love to you?

- Of course.

Oh, Elvira.

Only very discreetly.

He was in the cavalry, you know.

All l can say is that l'm well rid of you.

- Unfortunately, you're not.

- With any luck, l soon will be.

(Jaunty knock at door)

Ah, Mr Condomine.

Well, l can't say l'm entirely surprised.

l'm afraid l've broken your...

Do come inside.

Take off your coat.

Just sling it over the banisters.

l want you to meet my first wife Elvira.

(Gasps)

Oh, my dear, how do you do?

No, she's not there. She's in the doorway.

- Are you happy, my dear?

- Tell the silly old bag to mind her own business.

Was the journey difficult?

- Are you weary?

- Oh, she's dotty!

This is wonderful. l almost have contact.

l can sense the vibrations.

But she's gone in there.

(Squawks)

How fascinating.

Very interesting. l smell ectoplasm strongly.

What a disgusting thing to say.

Go on. Don't be a spoilsport.

Give her a bit of encouragement.

All right. Not that l approve

of these masculine and devant carryings-on.

(Ecstatic squeal)

Yes, yes! Again. Again.

- Ohh! Ooh!

- How's that?

This is first-rate. lt really is first-rate.

Absolutely stunning.

l'm so glad you're pleased.

You darling. You little darling.

Oh, stop her fawning on me, Charles,

or l'll break something.

Madame Arcati, Elvira and l

have discussed the whole situation

and she wishes to go home immediately.

- Home?

- Well, wherever she came from.

You don't think she'd like to stay a few days

longer while l get more organised?

No, no, no. l want to go now.

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