Blithe Spirit Page #9

You said something about a formula. What is it?

- Oh, very well, if you insist.

- l most emphatically do insist.

Oh, Charles.

Shut up.

l can't guarantee anything.

l'll do my best, but it may not work.

- What is the formula?

- A little verse.

lt fell into disuse after the 1 7th century.

l shall need some pepper and salt.

Ah, here.

We ought to have some shepherd's wort

and a frog or two, but l can manage without.

- ls this enough?

- Yes, thanks.

Now, let me see.

This is going to be a flop.

l can tell you that, here and now.

Oh, steady.

Now a few snapdragons out of that vase.

(Clicks fingers)

Oh!

lf that man at the Psychical Research Society

could see this, he'd have a fit. He would, really.

Now, then, sit down, Mr Condomine.

Rest your hands on the table,

but don't put your fingers in the pepper.

l shall switch out the lights myself.

Oh, shucks! l'd almost forgotten.

One triangle.

One half circle.

And one little dot.

There.

Merlin does this sort of thing at parties

and bores us all stiff with it.

- lt's a waste of time. She's a complete fake.

- Anything's worth trying.

l am as anxious for it to succeed as you are,

don't make any mistake about that,

but l'll lay you ten to one it's a dead failure.

Now, Mr Condomine, if your wife

would be kind enough to lie down on the sofa.

- Go on, Elvira.

- This is sheer nonsense.

Don't blame me if l get the giggles.

Concentrate. Think of nothing.

That's right. You're quite right.

You won't be frightened, will you?

lt's absolutely painless.

Arms at the sides.

Legs extended.

Breathe steadily.

ln... Out.

ln.

Out.

- ls she comfortable?

- Are you comfortable, Elvira?

- No.

- Yeah, she's quite comfortable.

l shall join you in a minute. l may have to go into

a slight trance, but if l do, pay no attention.

Ah, ah, ah.

Ah...ah...atchoo!

- (Giggles)

- Mr Condomine, concentrate!

Oh, dear. lt's the pepper.

(Chants) Ghostly spectre, ghoul or fiend,

never more be thou convened.

Shepherd's wort and holy rite,

vanish thee into the night!

- What a disagreeable little verse.

- Be quiet, Elvira.

ls there anyone there? ls there anyone there?

One rap for yes. Two raps for no.

ls there anyone there?

(Wind howls)

Good stuff.

ls that you, Daphne?

l'm sorry to bother you, dear,

but Mrs Condomine wants to return.

Now, then, Daphne.

Did you hear what l said?

Can you help us?

Hold on to it, Mr Condomine.

lt's trying to break away.

(Muffled whimpering)

What on earth's happening?

- Oh, oh, oh.

- What's the matter, Madame Arcati?

Oh, she's in one of her blasted trances again

and l'm as much here as ever l was.

Are you hurt? Wake up.

Oh, leave her alone.

She's having a whale of a time.

lf l ever do get back,

l'll strangle that ruddy little Daphne.

Oh.

(Coughs)

Oh, what happened?

- Nothing. Nothing at all.

- Yes, it did. Something happened.

You fell over. That's all that happened.

Oh, is she still here?

Well, something must have gone wrong.

Oh, make her do it again properly.

l'm sick of being messed about like this.

Be quiet. She's doing her best.

Something happened. l sensed it in my trance.

lt shivered through me.

Once and for all, Charles,

what the devil does this mean?

Well, l can't think

how l can have been such a duffer.

- l only hope you're on the right track now.

- Not a doubt of it.

l may promise you that next time

we shall be able to kill two birds with one stone.

l can't feel your simile is entirely fortunate.

Mind my crystal, Mr Condomine.

Ah. Well, now that we've returned to the scene

of the crime, everything will be plain sailing.

Are they gone?

- No.

- Oh.

Are they gone now?

No.

Are they gone now?

(Chants) Hickory rod and birch in bud,

toad in the hole and toad in the mud...

..broomstick, Brocken and Halloween...

..make these furious spirits seem

nothing more than a ghastly dream!

Are they still here?

Yes.

(Chimes)

End of round six.

Oh. Well, cheer up, Mr Condomine.

Rome wasn't built in a day, you know.

This is definitely one of the most

frustrating nights l have ever spent.

The reply to that is pretty obvious.

l'm sure l don't know what you mean.

Ah, skip it.

Thank you. Oh, l'll just have another of those

delicious sandwiches. l'm as hungry as a hunter.

- Would you like a glass of beer?

- Better not.

Now, look here, Charles,

this has gone far enough.

We've stood up. We've lain down.

We've concentrated.

We've sat interminably while that tiresome

old woman recited unflattering verses at us.

We've endured five seances, watched her fling

herself in and out of trances until we're dizzy

and we're exactly where we were

at the beginning and l'm exhausted.

Well, l'm just as...

..exhausted. l've been doing

all the blasted table-tapping.

lt looks as if Elvira and l

will have to stay together

indefinitely in this house.

- You're not going to stay in this house.

RUTH:
We shall have to be with you.

Well, l don't see why.

Why don't you take a cottage somewhere?

You called us back.

l've already explained till l'm black in the face

that l did nothing of the sort.

- Madame Arcati says you did.

- Madame Arcati is a muddling old fool.

lf she can't get us back, she can't.

We must try to think of something else.

She must get you back.

Anything else is unthinkable.

There's gratitude for you.

You've called us back and you've done

nothing but try to get rid of us ever since.

He certainly has.

Now, owing to your idiotic inefficiency,

we find ourselves in this mortifying position.

We're neither fish, flesh, fowl nor...

- Whatever it is.

ELVlRA AND CHARLES: A good red herring.

- Are the girls getting despondent?

- Yes, l'm afraid they are, rather.

Oh, we mustn't give up hope.

''Chin up. Never give in.'' That's my motto.

This schoolgirl phraseology is driving me mad.

(Chimes)

- Now, then.

Now, then, what?

What do you say to another seance?

Really put our shoulders to the wheel,

make it a real rouser.

lf we're not careful,

she'll materialise a hockey team.

l implore you not to let her have another seance.

Before you go into any further trances,

l think we should discuss the situation.

Good. An excellent idea.

Well, fire away, Mr Condomine.

Well, my wives and l have been talking it over.

They're convinced that l, somehow or other,

called them back.

- Very natural.

- l'm equally convinced that l did not.

Well, neither of them could have appeared

unless there'd been some psychic subject

in the house who'd wished for them.

- Yes, well, it wasn't me.

- Perhaps it was Dr Bradman.

l never knew he cared.

Great Scott!

l believe l've been barking up the wrong tree.

- How do you mean?

- The Sudbury case.

- l don't understand.

- There's no reason why you should.

- Oh, l wonder...

- The Sudbury case? l wish you'd explain.

lt was the case that made me famous.

lt was what you might describe,

in theatrical parlance, as my first ''smash hit''.

l had letters from all over the world about it,

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