Blue Like Jazz Page #2

That's it.

Ha ha. All right.

Now, today we have a very special amigo

who's come to listen to our story,

but he's a bit shy.

Let's see if I can...

Hey, hey, uh, Tito.

Here he comes.

Yes, today is Tito's birthday, but,

oh, oh, but he's very sad.

You know why?

'Cause today he learned

what happened on the cross.

So for his birthday,

we're going to show Tito

how the cross can

make him happy, yes?!

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

Yeah. All right,

let's bring down the cross.

That's my girl.

All right, here it comes.

Look at this. Now we need

someone really, really strong

to break down this piata.

- Who wants to do it?

- Me! Me!

Who's really strong?

Are you strong enough?

I don't know. I think...

Smartacus here.

Smartacus here,

he's got what it takes.

Smartacus is going to use

his Sword of the Spirit,

and he is going to give it his best shot.

All right, buddy. There you go.

That's it. Big swing, and...

Oh, yeah.

All right, Smartacus. Yeah.

All right, boys and girls,

What? What, were you

expecting something else?

Yeah? See, just like the piata

had to be broken to make candy,

Jesus had to die on the cross

to make forgiveness for our sins.

So, Tito, would you like to be forgiven?

"S.."

"S, s, s, seor Kenny.

I want Jesus to be my amigo

for my birthday."

" Yo te quiero infinito. "

" Yo te quiero infinito. "

" Yo te quiero. "

" Yo te quiero infinito. "

Right?

Well, come on, boys and girls.

This is better than candy.

Grab the blood and body of Jesus,

and give it to all of Tito's friends.

"Muchas gracias. Muchas gracias.

Go on. Go on. Do it."

Like any good Southern Baptist,

I've been trained

to assess awkward situations

with the question,

"What would Jesus do?"

Make sure and bring some to the choir.

"Los cantantes.."

But what would Jesus do

if his mom was sleeping

with the youth pastor?

Maybe he'd feel like a sucker,

or maybe he'd just be pissed.

What the heck?!

- Don, Don, stop it.

- Son of a b*tch.

I don't know what's

gotten into your head,

but it's not what you're thinking.

I'm not thinking.

That's why I'm leaving.

"A brain like that

working for a church?

"You only believe that stuff

'cause you're afraid

to hang out with people who don't."

Maybe for once in his life,

the old man was right.

There's one way to find out.

Message in your mailbox.

Donny, I called your father,

and he told me about

this Reed College.

I'd like to talk about this

before we make a decision.

Please call me back this time.

Messages deleted.

Man.

Yeah, I saw it,

but it's not like there was a nip slip

in there or anything.

I mean, personally, I was like,

"Pfft, whatever."

That was the nineties.

That was edgy back then.

Come on. You got to

contextualize it historically.

So she's breast-feeding a pig?

Big deal.

That stuff was probably way common

during the Dust Bowl.

It's a critique on the chauvinism

of the human species.

How long you gonna be in there?

What, are you taking a dump

or something?

Till I'm done.

Why don't you practice

that party trick of yours?

You know, if queer theory

teaches us anything,

it's that sexual identity

is a social construct.

I mean, it doesn't matter

if she is or isn't.

Her image in general

and that image in particular

is transgressive.

It's... It's deviant, it's out,

and that's why our community

loves her.

She's co-opting a fan base.

You're acting like Tori Amos

is some kind of dyke messiah.

Chill, Lauryn, okay?

I'm just saying.

After all these years,

she's still kind of hot.

What is she, like a B cup?

Love is fleeting!

Herpes is forever!

Put a jimmy on your stiffy!

Come on, now!

You know you need one

for the chub.

One size does not fit all!

Love is fleeting, but herpes is forever!

Come and get 'em!

Greetings, virgin.

How many do you need?

- Huh?

- Rainbow ticklers

are the special of the day.

Here. No charge.

Rub-a-dub-dub,

put a rub on your chub.

Right here!

Chub away, rubber man.

Got your hands full?

Oh, why don't I just slide this

into your pocket?

...right here. Absolutely free.

One way or the other!

Hey!

Jimmy on your stiffy, ladies.

Take it.

Want to try 'em out?

Uh, I'm not 100%

on what I've got here.

I meant the water.

Uh, sure. Sure. What do I do?

Take a sip.

Swirl it around in your mouth a bit.

Okay, now try this one.

What about this?

Swallow.

Well?

I can't taste the difference.

This one is Portland municipal tap water.

This one is Aqualike bottled water.

The Portland water is local

and comes with your tuition.

The Aqualike water

costs $1.50 for a 12-ounce bottle,

and they say it comes

from the Himalayas,

but it actually comes from Kashmir,

which is one of the poorest

regions in India,

so that would be good

for their economy, right?

Wrong.

Aqualike Corporation practices

are actually depleting the water table

so that the local Kashmirian farmers

don't have enough to irrigate their crops.

Well, so then I shouldn't be

ingesting this?

No.

Here comes trouble.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

They do this all the time?

Hey.

Heh. Hey.

Hey.

Okay.

Wait up.

Uh, anybody sitting there?

Hey.

I'm Don.

We, uh, sort of met

in the men's roo...

restroom.

So where are you from?

You know how to tell

if a girl's a lesbian?

'Cause she's attracted

to other women?

Is that how it works in Mayberry?

Cutoffs at two o'clock.

Last year, she was homecoming queen

back in Nebraska,

two tiny biscuits floating

under a cheerleader skirt.

What do you think her ass says now?

Uh...

It says, "I don't care what you think."

Which is why it's beautiful.

I'm Kent Bowers,

and I am your

Dean of Student Affairs.

Close your laptops.

Pocket your cellphones.

Listen carefully.

According to the words

and logic of Neil Postman,

"There is no escaping

from ourselves.

"The human dilemma is

as it has always been,

"and we solve nothing

by cloaking ourselves

in technological glory."

At Reed College,

there is no reward

for staring at a screen,

no extra credit for looking busy.

Forget everything

you think you know,

because you do not know anything.

There's nowhere to run.

There's nowhere to hide.

There is no escaping ourselves.

The human dilemma

must be experienced.

So, uh, that lecture

was pretty brilliant.

How was it brilliant?

Um, the whole part about how life

needs to be experienced.

And technology influences

the way we think,

and we live

in a dumbed-down culture,

and, oh, the sky is blue.

Yeah, it's genius.

Sounds like a high school term paper.

What do you like?

Choose wisely.

A bagel, I guess.

- This?

- Yeah.

Someone ate this?

Dude, check out Quinn.

I think it's growing.

Heh. Bet you'd like

to pop her tart.

Can you find me?

That's you?

You look so...

Before I found freedom.

Eat, girl. Eat.

You want to tell me

where you're from now?

Escaped from Kansas.

Dad sells windows.

Mom bakes pies.

She's fat.

He looks at other women.

Where are you from?

Texas.

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