Blue Like Jazz Page #3

Can I ask you a question?

'Cause it's been killing me.

Sure.

Are you the secret bastard child

of a televangelist?

No.

- Oh, my God. You are.

- What?

Do all the boys in your choir

have to wear their hair that way?

What's wrong with my hair?

Well, it's not exactly free.

Are you trying to make me a lesbian?

I'm trying not to picture you

burning flags at a gay soldier's funeral.

Not all Christians are like that.

Smile.

You've got, like, spinach

stuck in your teeth.

It's really gross.

Look, your private religious wacko

beliefs are none of my business,

but if you plan on sticking around.

Long enough to unpack your secret

underwear or whatever,

you probably want to keep that quiet

around here.

You're kidding, right?

I had a Mormon roommate

my freshman year.

She lasted two days.

I mean, we haven't had

a Christian club

since the Nixon administration.

Dude, this is Reed College.

Hello.

I was looking at

this student handbook.

You've got so many

crazy religious groups.

"S&M Wiccans. Jews for Jihad."

What's wrong with being a Christian?

Do you have any idea what your hateful,

bullying tribe has been up to?

'Cause around here, you represent

a whole new category of despicable.

So if you plan on ever making friends

or sharing a bowl

or seeing a human vagina

without a credit card,

get in the closet, Baptist boy,

and stay there.

Setting, conflict, climax, resolution.

If the setting in SCCR changes,

does the conflict go away?

'Cause, I mean, it's only been a week,

and I feel like I'm someone else.

Hey, Jordan.

You sounding chipper.

I'm not disturbing you and your gay lover

roommate, am I?

No, there's no roommates here.

They're just single rooms.

You got to pimp out your pad, dude,

catch some ladies.

You getting any action?

Uh, there's this one girl,

but I didn't get her number.

Or her name.

Spent some time

with a hot lesbian.

Yeah, you're full of sh*t.

Hold on, bro.

Sorry, dude. It's my mom.

- Are you talking to her?

- Yeah. Yeah, we're talking.

- Sort of.

- Huh.

- All right, call you later.

- Yeah.

Hi, Mom.

Hey. You get the cookies?

Yeah, they came in the mail Friday.

Sorry they were store-bought.

Ah, store-bought or not,

they're still cookies.

Sure is lonely here without you.

Sorry that you're lonely.

- You could always unenroll.

- No. I can't unenroll.

- Why not?

- Because I like it here,

and another 30-minute b*tch session

is not gonna change that.

- Uh, did you just call me...

- No, I'm not calling you that.

I'm using it as an adjective.

So is that what they're teaching

you at that school?

Yes, Mom, that's what they're

teaching me at this school.

You going to church anywhere?

No, I haven't found a church yet.

I'm looking for one with a really

dynamic puppet ministry.

Stop with that. There's nothing

going on with Kenny.

He's just helping me through a rough spell.

I don't care if nothing's going on, Mom.

It's weird.

He's a married man,

and he's not a licensed counselor.

He's a pastor, Donny.

- Donny.

- Huh?

- Are you listening?

- Um,

no, there's just a guy

dressed in a pope outfit

pushing a burning shopping cart.

Is that a Catholic school, Donny?

Don't let them brainwash you.

Can somebody tell me the difference

between archetype and stereotype?

A stereotype is an archetype

with no sense of fashion.

Come on. Give me some examples.

Yuri? You want to join us?

You want examples

from mythology?

I'll take any literary example.

Okay, um, archetype is

Emily Dickinson,

and stereotype is Lisa Simpson.

Nice, Penny.

What about you, Don?

Um, archetype is Tolstoy.

Stereotype is, uh, Tolstoy.

What do you know

about Russian literature?

Yuri, everyone's entitled.

Okay. Archetype is...

Texan.

Big car,

tracks sh*t everywhere,

closet racist, inbred...

Ooh.

Fundamentalist Christian.

Okay, now you're insulting me.

Notice he doesn't deny it.

Oh, chill out, dude.

There's plenty of Texans

who ain't Christian.

Bonnie and Clyde,

ZZ Top,

David Koresh.

I hadn't technically

denied anything.

It just felt good to have people

laughing with me for once.

You wake up here every day

feeling lost in a sea of individuality.

Everyone here

seems so sure of themselves.

Double... Hey, Penny.

They have their own look.

They occupy their own space.

...whereas in a patriarchal society,

our concept of God tends to mimic

the way we see our own fathers.

Thoughts?

Why would a loving God refer to himself

as "Father" anyways,

when so many fathers

abandon their children?

Seems like a marketing mistake.

They reward you for asking questions

I'd never even thought of in Texas.

I didn't care what it took.

I just wanted to fit in,

so I did what anyone else

in my position would do.

I got drunk.

- I had a lesbian take me shopping.

- Go.

No.

No.

You're so soft.

And I searched for the perfect

campus organization

that would make me feel

like a bona fide Reedie.

I, uh, got a notice

that Flag Football's been canceled.

Lack of interest.

In football?

What's wrong? You lonely?

Need a hobby?

The human dilemma

must be experienced.

Preferably for credit.

Fire Juggling, full.

Human Chess Club, full.

Lamaze for Non-mothers, full.

Malaysian Cocktail Tennis

has openings.

Ball.

My tennis partner is in rehab.

Reflex Yoga, full.

Sand Yoga, Hot Yoga, Partners Yoga, full.

Vietnam War Reenactment needs a GI.

Have you tried Civil Disobedience?

For credit?

Yeah.

Okay, we go in two by two,

one-minute intervals,

occupy all the aisles,

especially the ones

near the cash register.

And remember,

if anything goes wrong,

Remulac-7 is going

to sound the alarm.

And we will reconvene

at the cemetery across the road.

- Okay?

- Okay.

Okay. Let's do this.

Hey, can I interest you in our

frequent buyers program?

I'm just a robot. The franchise

tells me what to read.

Please direct me to your restroom.

Just back there.

Corporations control you

through printed lies.

Leave this store. Run now.

"...little smidgens of fading heaven.

Little cosmic mysteries plucked

from the starry, starry night."

Attention, Books, Ink shoppers,

Uh, you may have noticed some

alien life-forms roaming the aisles.

Take me to your reader.

I assume they, uh, mean us no harm.

"You are precious

little cosmic mysteries."

Just, uh...

Just kids having their fun.

But if any of them

become a nuisance,

be sure and let me know

at the front counter.

Just, uh, come up, and, uh...

Ignore him, corporate drones.

We are taking over your so-called

knowledge repository.

All right, just...

just give me the book.

Hey, hey! This is a rental.

Security. Mall security.

Can we have security up here

at the front counter, please?

Or across the front aisle.

Now he's in the main aisle.

He's in the main aisle.

He crossed the main aisle.

He's the, uh, only astronaut

in the pet care section.

He's running like there's no gravity.

Can anybody hear me?

Hey, this is a robot invasion,

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