Blue State Page #7

Technically, in the States

it's the Electoral College.

See, that. How do you know that fact?

Because we have to take a whole year

of stupid US history.

Could you imagine if you had to take

a whole year of Canadian history?

No. No, I couldn't.

Now, let me get your witnesses in here,

and we'll have you ready to go.

He doesn't like us very much.

Oh, he likes you.

No, I mean Americans. The US.

Oh, don't worry,

you're one of the good guys now.

Now, sign here.

And you're one step closer

to being a Canadian.

There.

All I can see

is black and white

And white and pink

with blades of blue

That lay between the words

I think on a page

I was meaning to send to you

Oh, f***ing Canada!

Mazel tov!

You may kiss the bride.

And I have an announcement to make.

John, get up here. Come on.

I did my own piece of salvation today.

John and I went down to City Hall

to get our marriage license.

Cake and drinks for everyone. Let's party!

I'm the man who loves you

We're leaving.

Shouldn't you ask your wife first?

I'm serious. Look, go upstairs, get the bags.

I'll meet you outside with the car, okay?

You're just gonna sneak out like that?

You can't go.

What do you think the mother hen

over there is gonna do when she finds out?

We'll be gone before it matters.

This is how John takes a stand.

He runs away.

Fine.

That's how John makes a stand.

I can't let you go, Chlo.

We just met.

You can handle a piece, right?

What?

We cross at Niagara Falls,

and then we head south.

When we get to D.C.,

we go straight to the White House.

We track them for a while.

And then when we get a chance,

I take out Bush and you hit Cheney.

I been planning this for a while.

I just needed a partner.

You know, Bonnie-and-Clyde style.

I can't let her go with you, man.

Don't you think that's her choice?

She's made her choice.

Don't f***ing threaten me!

What's going on over there?

No idea.

Look, Gloria...

Thank you for your help

and your hospitality, but...

You're leaving?

Yeah, I know we said some things,

and, well, we did some things that

maybe gave you the wrong impression,

but Chloe and I have to be going.

- Yeah, thanks for everything.

Yeah.

I'm just not ready, you know.

Maybe if we'd given it more time, but...

- This is just so American of you.

- What?

Everyone has to do what you want,

on your schedule. And you bring a gun!

Okay, now, I'm getting a little pissed off

at everyone shitting on Americans

all the time.

Just go invade Iran,

or whatever it is you were going to do.

I'm sure we will, eventually.

- I mean, it's the way things are going...

- Just leave.

Thank you, Gloria, for the giant pizza.

Hey! Hey!

- Don't move!

Just give me the gun, Chlo.

Chlo, I need the gun.

Come on, I was joking

about the Bush thing. Chlo! Chlo!

Don't do this, Chlo!

- What about the gun?

- Sh*t.

Oh. Okay, what was that move

you did back there?

That was amazing.

Whoo!

We're going to Vancouver, okay.

That's a real city.

- You got it.

- Find some normal people to hang out with.

People our age.

And, I don't know,

open up a health food store or something.

How are we doing for gas?

Good.

- We should stop. - Just gotta

wait for a Petro-Canada station.

Not this again.

I read somewhere

they use only Canadian-produced oil.

Look, I'm not running out of gas because

of your stupid Middle East oil theory.

There are a thousand of them.

And we're not gonna run out of gas,

we still have a quarter of a tank.

And it's not a theory, it's a fact.

I'm sorry.

Sit anywhere you like.

Actually, we had some car trouble.

What's wrong with it?

This is the man you wanna talk to.

We ran out of gas.

Gas station's closed this time of night.

- Great.

- But I could siphon you some if you want.

That would be great.

Here, let me finish my food.

Why don't you sit down

and order something?

So what brings you to this

sparsely-populated neck of the woods?

We came up from San Francisco.

No sh*t! That's where I'm from.

You're American?

Yeah, but I been living here

more than 35 years, now.

I'm afraid that won't take you very far.

Listen, I only live a few minutes away.

Why don't you crash at my place tonight

and fill your tank up in the morning?

You sure?

Yeah, no problem. Company's a rare

commodity up here. It's always welcome.

Follow my truck.

How'd you find this place?

I built it.

Old school, just like the trappers

and settlers used to do it.

It's kind of like a...

Lincoln Log house.

Yeah, it's got everything you need.

Heat, water, comfort. Excuse me.

Here you go.

- What is this?

- Charlie's Best.

Yeah, I make beer. That's a lager.

I also make a Manitoba Pale Ale

and a Strawberry Statement Stout.

That's a fruity kind of darker brew.

Strawberry Statement, wasn't that,

that thing at Columbia University?

You know about that? That's me.

You wrote The Strawberry Statement?

No, no, I was just involved in all that.

I'm sorry for sounding ignorant,

but what is The Strawberry Statement?

Oh, when I was in college, a bunch of us

took over the university buildings

to protest the war in Vietnam.

Then I got drafted,

and when they refused to accept me

as a conscientious objector, I moved here

and I've been here ever since.

So you were a draft dodger?

Yeah, I don't particularly like

to use that word, but...

I think it's great. We're actually

moving up here to protest the war.

You don't say?

Make a change

in the current administration.

What a bunch of a**holes, huh?

So, in a way,

it's like we're carrying on your work.

You know, I always say that people my age

don't have the dedication to their beliefs

that people from your generation had.

They say they believe in something,

but they don't do anything about it.

Do you like it here?

Well, it's my life.

Would I do anything different? Probably.

But what you did stood for something.

You took a stand against an unjust war.

Yeah, and you think anybody gave a sh*t?

I mean, that's what I thought at the time.

But in reality, I was just saving my ass.

You know, nowadays, hell,

they don't even have the draft.

These soldiers that come up here,

what are they running from?

So, what do you think?

It's good.

Can I try the Strawberry Statement?

It's not available right now.

It's a seasonal brew.

Well, I gotta get some sleep.

Have as much of the brew as you want.

The bathroom is the outhouse.

And there's buffalo skins in that chest

over there if you get cold.

- Thanks.

- Thanks.

Wow.

It's good.

It is.

Oh, come on, drink it.

I am, I just wanna let it breathe.

Yeah, right.

It's true. We really didn't do anything.

I was too drunk.

You mean you couldn't get it up.

I was too drunk.

That's perfect.

I thought something was going on

between you and Randall.

He was a terrorist.

But at least he was talking to me.

I'm sorry I was an a**hole.

Yeah, you're pretty insensitive

for a liberal p*ssy.

You want another beer?

- Sure.

- Allow the liberal p*ssy to go get them.

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