Blue State Page #6

Around here,

that means you could be married.

Okay, Chloe, I'll give you

the last free bedroom.

You look like you need it.

And feel free to use the computer.

This way, John.

I've got this foldout for you.

Okay.

So did you meet anyone you like?

Did you notice that the people here

are not very political?

I know. I know.

When you start something like this,

you take what comes.

Sex and politics.

What do you think the '60s were like?

I don't know. I wasn't born.

I'm gonna get my stuff for the...

For that. You're there. Okay.

Gloria offered to show us

around Winnipeg tomorrow.

Great, that should take about 10 minutes.

I thought it was nice of her.

Yeah, everyone here's real nice.

What's your problem?

It's freezing.

It's not always this cold.

It was 27 degrees...

Yeah, I heard that

about a billion times already.

That, and the tall poppies,

and the universal health care.

You know what? My health care

was covered just fine by the US Army.

Yeah, I hear Baghdad Medical has really

great treatment for car bomb accidents.

Yeah, real funny, John.

What are you so mad about?

You lied to me.

I lied? I never lie.

Lying by not saying something is still lying.

You didn't tell me this thing was

about getting people to marry each other!

I didn't know.

You didn't know? The goddamn thing

is called Marry-A-Canadian.

What about a certain lie by omission

about you being in the Army?

That's different.

Yeah, it's much worse.

Who the f*** are you, John?

You know, you're not making

some big statement by coming up here!

You're just some big, hypocritical,

liberal p*ssy. All talk and no action!

- I was on the news!

- Big deal!

You don't think the Donkey Revolution

affects people?

Six people have read your blog, John!

More people have read my diary!

What about the fact

that I went to Ohio for the election?

Yeah, for like a week.

Oh, I bet you didn't even vote for Kerry.

I didn't vote at all!

You know, I was gonna ask

if I could sleep in your room tonight.

After you ignored me all night?

What are you doing?

You think I'm all talk?

I'm gonna do something right now.

You're drunk.

I was gonna do this last night, but...

Ow!

You would've been a lot better off

trying that last night.

Ow!

P*ssy!

Must've been a nasty slip.

Here put this on it.

Yeah, it was.

Yeah, stairs can be tricky sometimes.

Be right back.

I don't bite, John.

You don't have to wear those jeans to bed.

You certainly don't have to sleep

on that sorry little death trap

when I've got this great, big,

comfortable bed right over here.

Come on.

Come on.

Hot scrambled eggs

coming right up.

John, more O. J?

No, no, I'm good. Thank you.

It's like everything is

just a little different here.

A little? It's way different.

Reminds me of what America

was like when I was a kid.

Fewer chain stores. A little...

It's a little grayer, but...

It's like the '80s without Reagan.

Bullshitter. You don't even

remember Reagan.

You probably don't know who Reagan is.

Now, children, it's not about

how everything compares

with what you have in the States.

We have plenty of our own stuff

going on here.

Like what?

All right.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

All right, sweep that! Go! Looking good!

Good shot.

What is that?

This is my curling sweater.

You've never been curling?

I'm from San Diego. I went to the beach.

I was kidding. Come on, it'll be fun.

Oh, my jaw is fine, by the way.

Thanks for asking.

Okay, push the rock.

You can do it. Good. Good.

Great, now what?

Okay, let go of the rock.

Go!

- Sweep!

- Sweep!

Sweep! Take my broom!

What am I supposed

to be doing here?

Okay, I'm like the stone. Sweep!

You know, I've been meaning to tell you.

I respect what you're doing there.

You mean eating these nasty fries?

I'm from a poor-ass neighborhood

in Detroit.

Half my friends are over there,

so I know one when I see one.

What gave it away?

Why else does a cat like you

move to Canada?

Are you in the service?

Me? Hell no.

- Thanks.

- Yeah.

Let me get that for you.

Oh, no, I can do it.

I thought after lunch we could go down

to City Hall and get our marriage license.

I don't know.

Well, don't worry. It just means that

we have up to three months

to actually do the deed.

Oh, okay, great... Good, so no rush.

'Cause, you know,

I've only been here a day.

No, I don't wanna force you

into anything, sweetheart.

It's just that you wanna be able to do

what you came here for

and, like, really make a difference.

Yeah.

So you need to start the process

to become a Canadian citizen.

Well, I can apply for asylum.

I wanna tell you something, John.

Okay.

You're the one I've had my eye on

ever since we first talked on the phone.

Really?

Yeah.

I read your blog. You're an amazing writer.

You've got brilliant ideas.

I think you're a genius.

No, I'm not. Well...

You need to keep writing.

Keep experiencing.

True.

Wasn't last night incredible?

Mmm-hmm.

We're not in love with each other, John.

Oh, I...

I know, we're political activists.

I wanna do this for you.

I wanna make you whole.

Can I talk to you for a second?

About what?

I think you know.

Isn't this what you came for?

I don't know if I'm ready to do this.

Hey, if the fact that she's a freaking

cult leader doesn't bother you,

neither should the fact

that she's almost 50.

No, it's not Gloria. I like Gloria.

Good for you.

Listen, I know you punched me

in the face last night, but...

And I'll do it again.

I just wanna talk to you

before I go in there and do this.

I'm not your girlfriend.

I'm not your babysitter.

You tried to kiss me last night,

and now you're marrying her?

No, but I'm making a statement.

Yes, you are.

Gloria, how are you?

Been showing my friends here

around the Peg this morning.

Oh, jeez, with the traffic

downtown these days, eh?

Oh, it wasn't bad.

So, what can we do you for today?

We're getting married.

People are just less selfish

around here, you know?

Not always trying to get ahead.

Just seems in the States,

people don't realize

that they're living in a society.

And you'll have health care

once you're married,

which is pretty darn important.

Is it true that 45 million Americans

are not insured?

How do Canadians know

all these facts about us?

It's like a one-way mirror

across the border, right?

We look across and see you,

and your movies,

and your politicians, and your Paris Hiltons.

Then you look across the border,

and you just see yourselves.

Like I said, selfish.

You know what I said to a friend of mine

when he told me

he was moving to the States?

I said, "Finally, you can tell me

how 300 million fat, stupid people

"manage to run the world. "

Badly.

Well, it's not that everyone's stupid.

Right, fat and stupid.

I thought Canadians

were supposed to be nice.

We try to be, but you guys

have been pushing it lately.

It's not us. It's our leaders.

Who elects the leaders? The people.

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