Bo Burnham: what. Page #3

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objective, logical,

cold, analytical,

aware of patterns,

aware of trends.

He's efficient and a prick.

This is Bo's right brain:

subjective, creative, sensory,

aware of feelings,

aware of people.

He's emotional...

- Yes.

- And an idiot.

- That's your opinion, so just--

careful with opinions.

- Okay, boys, play nice.

- I am the left brain,

I am the left brain

I work really hard till

my inevitable death brain

You got a job to do

You better do it right

And the right way is with

the left brain's might

I like Oreos and p*ssy

Yeah, okay

And I cried

for at least an hour

After watching Toy Story 3

I am the right brain

I have feelings

I'm a little

all over the place

But I'm lustful, trustful

And I'm looking

for somebody to love

And put my penis in

Here comes a female,

here comes a female

Puff your chest out

Take your phone,

and check your email

Our evolutionary purpose

is repopulate

So gather data now and see

if she's a possible mate

Holy f***,

I think she might be the one

There's something about her

I just can't describe it

Tits.

I am the Earth

She's the glorious sun

I want her to trust me

And I just want her

to sit on my face

Sit.

All right, now, right brain,

you're being insane

No, left brain,

I'm just being alive

You should try it

You might like it

I worked hard to give him

everything he cared about

You were worried

about the things

That he was scared about

I'm calm and collected

when you act wild

I am the adult

You are the child

You think you're the right one

every time

You think

you know everything

You don't know

anything at all

Half of his problems

were supposed to be mine

But you wanted everything

I hope that you're happy,

'cause he's sure not

Well, according to my

calculations, you're a p*ssy.

Name-calling, really?

We're gonna do name-calling?

I'm not calling names,

all right?

I'm just stating facts.

And the fact is,

you're a quivering p*ssy.

I'm the p*ssy? Well, at least

I don't play with toys still.

Okay, Rubik's Cubes

are not toys.

They keep my spatial reasoning

skills sharp.

Left brain plays with toys.

Look at you,

Johnny f***ing toy-player.

Well, at least I did

my f***ing job.

I kept him working.

I kept him productive.

You were supposed

to look after him.

You were supposed to keep him

emotionally stable

through all this.

Now you're trying to blame me

for how he's feeling.

How he's feeling.

If he's feeling unhappy,

it's because you failed him.

You did this to him.

He hates you. I know he does.

He f***ing hates you!

[sobbing]

Right brain, look, I'm sorry.

No, you're not.

Look, maybe there's something

that we could do together

Together?

Take the best parts

of both of us

Put them together

I'm listening.

It would let you

let your feelings out

It would let me analyze

So you could man the themes

I'll man the form

It's something

that George Carlin did

It's something

that Steve Martin did

It's something special

that we could both perform

Do you know what it is?

Juggling? We could juggle

and juggle our cares away.

It was comedy.

We could do comedy together.

- Initiate reassembly.

- All right, all right,

right brain,

we're gonna do comedy together,

all right?

All right, all right,

left brain,

I'll do comedy with you.

Look, we can fix him like this.

We can make him happy again,

I promise.

Left brain, left brain,

I love you.

- Three, two...

- I know.

- One.

Experimentation complete.

- Thank you very much.

[cheers and applause]

At this point of the show,

I'd like to talk

about how deep I am.

And I'm pretty f***ing deep,

deep, deep, deep.

[gentle music]

So deep...

that I called this song...

#deep.

Have you ever stopped

to watch a bluebird

Drop from a tree

and take to the air?

Me neither

[laughter]

Have you ever took time out

to finish a rhyme

But the right words

just weren't there?

Meat cleaver

[laughter]

The people in my life

are like grains of sand

'Cause they stick together

Often near my butthole

If life is an ocean

I am

a deep and handsome fish

A fish that's drowning

If the artistic process

is a birth canal

Then I am

a freshly jellied kid

Come witness my crowning

These thoughts of mine

Must be a sign

that I'm

#deep

If Jesus can walk on water,

can He swim on land?

Have you ever accidentally

peed on the toilet seat

Instead of

on your girlfriend's face?

Me neither

Me neither!

Have you ever wrote a song

note for note

And not a single note

was out of place?

Duh.

Hold on.

The people in my life

are like blades of grass

How?

'Cause they're all so grounded

But at least grass

stays away from my butthole

Art is a harlot

And I am

her sassy urban friend

Oh, b*tch, why you being

so selfish?

If Mama is right

and the world is my oyster

Then I must have

An allergy to shellfish

You don't know

How could you know?

If life makes you wish

you were dead

Just put on a good movie

Then promptly put a bullet

in your head

Spend forever asleep

'Cause life pales in

comparison to living the dream

#deep

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

[cute music]

Don't you hate it

when that happens?

Yeah.

Thank you. That's called

Beating Off in "A" Minor.

Yes, yes.

"A" minor, the key,

not the felony.

So...

I believe...

[chuckles]

I believe there's nothing

more manly one can do

than take a shower

with five other guys.

It's true.

It's early cavemen, Cro-Magnon,

wandering through the fog,

you know, scrubbing

five other sapiens.

No homo.

We--oh.

I'd like to do some poems

right now, if that's okay.

We're in this point

of the show.

These poems

are actually from--

I'm releasing this special

for free.

So I'm gonna plug

my poetry book.

These are my new poems from

my poetry book called Egghead

that will be out by the time

this is airing

but not by the time you guys

are seated here right now, so...

But it's good.

They're pretty serious.

And it's all just sort of--

This is sort of the lull

of the show usually.

So I'd like to, at this point,

sort of take the pressure

off the audience

and just read some poems.

And then we'll go back

to the giggles.

So this is a poem by a dog.

"Roses are gray.

"Violets are a different shade

of gray.

Let's go chase cars."

[laughter]

"Me with my strange choice

of adjectives.

You with your muscular teeth

and clockwise vagina."

[laughter]

"I put a chameleon

on a red dildo."

"He blushed."

There we go.

[laughter]

This is a poem about beauty,

about self-image,

and about the ability

to transform.

"Martha was ugly,

like a shaven baboon,

"so she wrapped herself up

in a curtain cocoon.

"And after a week,

she finally emerged.

She smelled like sh*t.

What a psycho."

[laughter]

"You're incomparable,

like a..."

[laughter]

"I want to beat you to death

with a blunt object.

"I want to grab one of those

high-end fashion mannequins

"by the ankles

and bash your rib cage in.

"I want to sharpen 50 pencils,

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