Bo Burnham: what. Page #4

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bind them with a rubber band,

"stick the lead in your mouth,

and punch the erasers.

"I want to strap you

to a bed of nails,

"then strap that bed of nails

to the hood of my car

"so I can watch you suffer

as we drive over speed bumps

"in a mall parking lot

during an earthquake.

"I want you to somehow survive

a terrible car crash,

"then somehow not survive

a small fender bender

on the way back

from the hospital."

Thank you.

That's called Dad.

[laughter]

This is a poem.

It's really a story that's meant

primarily for children,

but I think it's got a lesson

we could all learn.

"The squares lived happily

in their square houses,

"in their square yard,

in their square town.

"But then one day,

a family of circles

"moved in from the West.

"'Get out of here, roundies,'

"shouted one of the squares.

"'Why?'

said one of the circles.

''Cause this is a metaphor

for racism.'"

[laughter]

"When I walk into a party,

you'd think I was one

"of those long, straight

Tetris pieces,

"'cause everyone's just like,

'Oh, yeah, this guy's here.

Finally. We've been waiting

for him to show up.'"

Like, you wait in the game--

Forget it.

[cheers and applause]

No. You had your chance.

"If I had a million dollars,

"I'd pay your mother

to have sex with me.

Afterwards, I'd probably invest

the remaining $999,990."

$10 for sex with your mother.

Comedy.

I smell comedy.

Well, it was comedy

giving off that scent.

And finally...

"Mid-October,

"with leaves spilled

like colored-pencil shavings,

"the streets dicing our town

into neat, unfair portions.

And me,

eating that p*ssy, baby."

Thank you so much.

[cheers and applause]

There's things that I don't want

to come across in my show

that I worry often come across

about me,

'cause people don't realize

that it's an act up here.

I don't want you to ever think

that I think

I'm better than people

or that I think

I know better than people.

Anyway, sorry.

Okay.

This is a song

from the perspective of God.

[laughter]

The books you think I wrote

are way too thick

Who needs 1,000 metaphors

To figure out

you shouldn't be a dick?

And I don't watch you

when you sleep

Surprisingly,

I don't use my omnipotence

To be a f***ing creep

You're not going to heaven

Why the f*** would you think

I'd ever kick it with you?

None of you

are going to heaven

There's a trillion aliens

cooler than you

You shouldn't abstain

from rape

Just 'cause you think

that I want you to

You shouldn't rape 'cause rape

is a f***ed-up thing to do

Pretty obvious--

just don't f***ing rape people.

Didn't think I had to write

that one down for you.

I don't think masturbation

is obscene

It's absolutely natural

And the weirdest f***ing thing

I've ever seen

You make my job

a living hell

I sent gays

to fix overpopulation

Boy, did that go well

You're not going to heaven

Eat a thousand crackers,

sing a million hymns

None of you

are going to heaven

You're not my children

You're a bad game of Sim

You shouldn't abstain

from pork

Just 'cause you think

that I want you to

You can eat pork

'Cause why the f***

would I give a sh*t?

I created the universe.

Think I'm drawing the line

at the f***ing deli aisle?

[cheers and applause]

You argue, and you bicker,

and you fight

Atheists and Catholics,

Jews and Hindus

Argue day and night

Over what they think

is true

But no one entertains

the thought

That maybe God

does not believe in you

You pray so badly

for heaven

Knowing any day

might be the day that you die

But maybe life on Earth

could be heaven

Doesn't just the thought of it

make it worth a try?

My love's the type of thing

that you have to earn

And when you earn it,

you won't need it

Oh, my love's the type

of thing that you have to earn

And when you earn it,

you won't need it

I'm not gonna give you love

Just 'cause I know

that you want me to

If you want love, then the

love has got to come from you

[cheers and applause]

- Walking between

the microphones

Is really awkward

- Tell me about it.

Women are stupid.

Yeah, I f***ing said it.

They're the weaker, dumber sex.

I can prove it to you.

I like to practice safe sex.

Why?

'Cause I'm a guy,

and I'm smarter.

What do women say every time?

Every time I put on a condom,

what do they say?

"Why are you wearing a condom

if I'm f***ing you

with a strap-on?"

"To be safe, b*tch."

Women, right?

They're the dumb ones.

It's time for a story.

Let's do a story.

It's time for a story

It's time for a story

A very special story

especially for you

It's time for a story

It's time for a story

Sit down and listen now

Don't be a Jew

This story is called Andy--

That's a glitch.

You can be Jewish.

This story...

this story is called

Andy the Frog,

featuring long

and convoluted similes.

And I'll warn you when one of

those long, convoluted similes

rears its old head.

So here we go.

Once upon a time,

there was a frog named Andy.

Andy lived

at the Patton Park pond

and had never hopped anywhere

else in his entire frog life.

He had three best friends:

Millie, who never left

her lily pad,

Billy, who was always

hopping mad,

and Roger, who was arrested

for possession of tadpole porn.

So one day--

one day,

Andy saw something

hop across the grass

on the other side of the pond.

"Millie, Billy, Roger, look,"

said Andy.

Across the pond stood

the most beautiful frog

Andy had ever seen.

"She's gorgeous,"

said Millie.

"She's beautiful,"

said Billy.

"Bit old for my taste,"

said Roger.

Classic Roger.

And then she was gone.

"I need to go find her,"

said Andy.

"I need to follow

my little frog heart."

So Andy followed

the beautiful frog's footsteps

into the forest.

He then came across a turtle.

"You can't pass,"

said the turtle.

"Please?" said Andy.

"No," said the turtle.

And this is the first

long, convoluted simile.

Then there was a rustling

in the bushes.

And like a man who had been shot

in the chest with a rifle,

the turtle was shot in the chest

with a rifle.

Andy kept moving,

but at this point,

like the doctor

of the Kenyan track team,

his patience ran thin.

Andy kept moving.

He then came across

a giant crocodile.

And the crocodile

began to chant,

"I woke up this morning,

and I sat on a log.

I opened up the menu.

The menu said frog."

Andy said,

"No, no.

"Please let go of me.

I can feel myself dying.

"You're ripping out my insides.

"I'm never gonna find her, am I?

"There's no God, is there?

F***! F***!"

The end.

The end.

So that's the end

of that story.

[cheers and applause]

Yeah, if you're curious,

the moral of that story

is irrelevant,

'cause we're humans.

Why would it apply to us?

[laughter]

You know, my father is so hard

to get along with

'cause he's such a man's man,

you know?

He believes, like, for example,

you should always fight fire

with fire,

which is a horrible way

to live your life,

especially for him,

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