Boat That Rocked, The Page #4

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What do you give the man who has nothing?

Yeah, it's tricky.

So, after deep thought,

what I've decided is to give you

a nice time.

Tomorrow evening,

I've invited my niece, Marianne, to dinner.

She is the sweetest and prettiest girl

in the world.

It's Midnight Mark here.

Hi.

Hello?

Midnight Mark.

Carl. Good evening.

This is Marianne.

Hi.

Hi.

You already said that.

Yeah.

Could you excuse me for one second?

- Dave. Hi.

- Hi.

Could I borrow a...

A condom?

Sure.

Well, well, well, Young Carl.

Do you know how it works?

Of course I bloody know how it works.

Carl.

They made me steer the thing myself. Alone.

- And you did?

- Yeah. I must be

- the most inexperienced person...

- Is Quentin around?

No, actually, you just missed him.

Oh, my God. A woman.

And not just a woman.

The most beautiful and succulent woman

in the history of mankind.

Dave, this is Marianne.

Dave, hello! I'm a real fan!

Who isn't?

Well, it's lovely to meet you,

Miraculous Marianne.

Parlez-vous franais?

- No.

- No, me neither.

- I can see why you wanted that condom.

- What?

Well, well, night-night.

What did he just say?

- "Night-night"?

- No, before that.

I didn't quite catch it.

Did he say, "I can see

why you wanted the condom"?

I did not hear him say that.

I did.

And the only conclusion

I can draw from that

is that you thought I was going to be

so easy that you borrowed a condom.

No.

Then what other conclusion

can I then draw?

Okay.

It's true. And I'm sorry.

It's just that the first moment I saw you,

I fell in love with you, instantly,

and I thought that, if I got luckier

than any man has ever got,

it would be a tragedy if I didn't have...

A condom.

I can see how that was just sick

and very wrong,

and so I'm gonna take the condom

out of my pocket

and I'm throwing the condom

into the North Sea.

You see, I already adore you.

I hope one day we'll get married

and have children.

Thank you.

Come here.

I think we're going to need that condom.

Dave, you don't have another condom?

Sorry, mate, it was my last.

What happened to the one I gave you?

Long story.

Try Gavin.

Thank you.

Okay. Just one minute. This is my room.

You should stay here, and I'll be back,

- and Kevin, I can see you.

- All right.

- Evening.

- Good evening.

You don't have any...

No, probably not.

Carry on.

- Thank you, Gavin, I really appreciate it.

- Don't mention it, youngster.

Remember, be gentle, but be firm.

Very firm, indeed.

And when you're done with it, run it

under the tap, rinse it out, use it again.

Where is she?

Marianne?

Baby.

Oh, no.

Oh, no!

Hey, kid.

Hey, how you doing?

I can see you, Marianne.

Enter.

Sir. The two weeks are over,

and I'm afraid I haven't really been able

to find you a loophole.

What a shame.

Time for you to move on, then,

like your sad little father.

But what I have done is find you a noose.

I have a report here that says that last week

the distress call of a fishing boat

wasn't heard because its radio waveband

was blocked by Radio Rock.

Men were dying, and they couldn't be saved

because of this rock 'n' roll pornography.

I think, sir, we have our smoking gun.

Very good, indeed.

- Did the fishermen die in the end?

- No, sir.

That's a pity.

I think I may have also discovered a way

of actually getting on the boat

to do some more "intimate" research.

- Well done, Twatt.

- Thank you, sir.

We have their testicles in our hands.

And it feels good.

It's magnificent Monday

and 200 gorgeous competition winners

are heading straight for Radio Rock.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to our Boat of Bliss.

Hello.

- Morning.

- We're not lost.

- Morning.

Just quite a big boat...

- Morning.

And this is the kitchen.

And this is the food we eat

if the weather's bad

and we can't get it fresh from shore.

Tinned food!

- And this is our cook, Felicity.

Hi!

- She's a lesbian.

- Yes, I am.

Hello. Can I help you?

Yes, hello. Got a bit lost.

More than a bit.

In order to get here,

you have to open a really quite heavy door

with the words "No Entry" on it.

Well, I didn't see that,

so it must have been left open.

You look suspiciously square

to be a fan of this boat's output.

- No, no, no, I'm a real fan.

- I hope so.

Because if word gets out

that you're here to spy on us,

I think you may have trouble

hanging on to your testicles.

Are you threatening me?

Do you know what, I think I am.

Because I've got pretty good instincts

and you look like a twat to me.

Get out of here.

Everyone leaves in 15 minutes!

Welcome back.

I hope you've all had a tremendous time.

The only slightly odd thing

is there seem to be about

half as many of you as there were earlier.

If you give us a moment, we will sort out

this strange and mysterious situation.

- Ladies.

- Hi, Quentin. Busy day.

So I see.

But I rather fear now is the time to move on.

You can all come back to my room,

if you like.

- Girl at the back?

- No.

Give it up, Nutsford.

So, what did you find out?

The boat itself is in very bad condition.

Good!

Which means if they ever try to get away

or even move, they won't get far.

Bravo, mission accomplished.

So tell me, Twatt, what's the plan?

I think we should work

to get public opinion on our side.

Then, January the 1st,

we make pirate radio totally illegal

on the grounds that they are endangering

the lives of the brave men and women

of the nation's shipping community,

upon whom the economy

and fish and chip shops

of the country depend.

And if they try to defy the law,

we take them out.

Splendid.

I think we can call it

the Marine Offences Act.

The Marine Offences Act. I like it.

And I think the Queen will like it, too.

- We have them on the ropes.

- God, I love ropes.

You must come over to dinner sometime.

Meet the family.

And that was for Erica from Wolverhampton.

Yes, it's mail time.

Hey, guys.

Hey, Simon, what can we do for you?

Well, Carl, my mate,

my best mate, I've got some news.

I don't know why I'm singing. I can't even...

My words are just coming out in tune.

I'm so happy. If I were the Count right now,

I would definitely be using the "F" word

to describe the level of this good news.

- Hold me! Hold me!

- For what?

I'm getting married!

To a woman!

- You're f***ing doing f***ing what?

- I'm marrying.

- And give her one for the Nutster!

- I won't.

What's the lovely lady's name?

- Elenore.

- Elenore.

Yeah, she's an American.

Well, I hope you all appreciate

what this means?

From next Saturday, there will, for the first

time, be a woman living on the boat.

No offence meant.

None taken.

I'm actually quite excited about it.

Hands off, you lesbian. Watch out!

Eye on you.

But Elenore will, of course,

be totally exclusive to her lucky husband.

Here, I hope you gentlemen can take it.

For my eyes only.

May I just say,

now that Quentin has departed,

one word which I believe is the only word

in the world that now matters?

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