Boat That Rocked, The Page #5

---

And that word is...

Matrimony.

Stag!

- Yeah!

- Yeah!

- Stag, stag, stag!

- Stag, stag, stag!

Fantastic!

It's a stag.

I thought you were having a seizure.

He's okay. He's fine.

So how long

have you guys known each other?

Two weeks.

Yeah, it's the old proverbial thunderbolt.

There I was, just minding my own business,

having a quiet drink.

Over trots this blonde bombshell.

Before I knew it, there was quite a lot of...

Yeah!

Lot of kissing.

- And then?

- No,

I'm afraid we're both big believers

in the whole

"not before the big night" thing.

- That is sick.

- It's not sick.

- Why?

- I just hope that the boat is solid.

The sexual energy

that will be unleashed that night

will blow a hole in her blooming side.

I know how you feel.

It's gonna be like Niagara Falls

under my sheets.

- Yeah, my sheets, too.

- What?

- Where are we going, Count?

- We are going

exactly where we should be going.

Pub!

Pub!

Club!

No, no, no, no!

Stop, stop, stop. Don't do it.

Stop, stop, stop

I love you.

I'm getting married!

I think I might have had

a bit too much to drink last night.

- What about you?

No, I'm in good shape.

In fact, I find alcohol

rather sharpens my mind.

- Really?

- Yes.

- And I've been thinking.

- Dangerous.

It's a bit queer that your mum sent you here

to get on the straight and narrow,

when this is obviously the worst

possible place in the world to do that.

There's sex and drugs and alcohol.

- Without the sex.

- My theory is that you're here

because it's exactly the right time

for a young man like you

to get to know his dad.

And?

I therefore think that your dad

is on this boat.

And since he's definitely not me,

I think he's probably Quentin.

Sometimes, just sometimes,

I think I should be called Clever Kevin.

What do you say to that?

And top news of the day.

At 2:
45 precisely this afternoon,

Sir Simon Swafford, king of the charts,

marries the prettiest girl who ever lived.

I just want you to know,

I want to assure listeners

that this doesn't mean

that I have any less love for you.

I'll still be here every morning.

The only difference will be, I'll be happy.

Oh, my God. Here she comes.

- Big day.

- Big day!

I shouldn't look.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered here

in the sight of God, apparently,

which is scary,

to witness the wedding of this man and this

total goddess.

Jesus Christ alone

knows why she's marrying him.

- Good one.

- But love is,

as the Everly Brothers so wisely observed,

strange.

And the bride is blushing now

as the groom is gazing into her eyes.

You can almost see Cupid

fluttering his wings above their heads.

No, that was a seagull.

Shut up, Nutsford.

Best man, have you got the rings?

I have.

Thanks, mate.

There you are.

How lovely.

I now declare you man and stunning wife.

So sweet.

You may now kiss the bride, poor girl.

Yes, the full sweep over.

No, take it. God.

You have it.

Where's those bridesmaids?

It's Nutty Nutsford here,

the morning after the night before.

- Hey.

- Hey!

So how did it go?

Lt...

I think it will get better. You know, it was...

She was tired.

I was a little overexcited, it was...

If I'm honest, it was a bit quick sticks.

But we don't need to blow it all

on one night, do we? Do we?

No. We've all the time in the world.

Round two.

- Good luck.

- Thanks.

- Hey!

- Hey, babe.

You look like a unicorn.

In a negligee.

- How is Mrs Swafford this morning?

- Good. Good, very good.

I've brought you some tea.

- No?

- I don't like tea.

I'll drink it myself.

Simon, I've got some news.

No. Don't tell me...

You're pregnant already, aren't you?

I knew this was gonna happen.

The Swaffords have always had strong stuff.

No, it's not that.

Not that I don't want babies. I do.

I want a dozen.

You'll be in bits by the time I'm done,

but, you know, I thought

that we could have a few more years

of reckless shagging

before we settle into Baby Boulevard.

Simon, I'm so in love.

Of course you are.

Gavin is so fantastic.

Isn't he?

Isn't he just the greatest, the coolest guy?

Yes, he is.

I guess that's why I'm in love with him.

Koala bear, when you said that

you were in love with him, there might be...

Translation. What do you mean by that?

Well, I...

I met him about a week before I met you

and I fell in love with him.

But he said the only way that I could be

on the boat was if we got married.

And he wouldn't do that,

for obvious reasons.

So I suggested

that I could just marry another DJ,

and that way I could still be on the boat.

He said that was a mad idea.

But then I met you.

You know, I saw you sitting all alone in that

pub and I just leapt at the opportunity and...

Well, now, here I am.

And if it's okay with you,

I'll be moving in with Gavin tonight.

Thanks for being so understanding.

But I don't understand.

But I just explained.

See, I met Gavin and we fell in love and...

No, I get that. I understood all...

I get the ins and outs of it.

What I don't understand

is how you could be so cruel.

I mean, we're just married, if you read the...

Yesterday.

And we're supposed to spend

the rest of our lives together.

We will, in a way. We will, we will. It's just...

I'll be having sex with Gavin

instead of you every night, and...

But we'll still be friends.

If you need me, I'll be right next door.

Okay?

Having sex?

Hopefully, yes.

You might hear us.

That would be nice.

Official sources were today sad to announce

the separation of Simon Swafford

and his wife, Elenore,

after 17 hours of marriage.

It is understood the split is due

to musical differences.

No, no, I can't believe

You're leaving me

Stay with me, baby

Please, stay with me, baby

Stay with me, baby

Here's the guy

who plays all the hits.

It's, it's, it's Simple Simon Swafford.

And the time is now 7:09 in the a. m.,

and you're listening to

Simple Simon Swafford Show

on Radio Rock,

And remember, folks,

it ain't simple being cool,

but it's cool being simple.

Radio Rock.

- Well, what do you have to say, bastard?

- Come on, be fair. I didn't ask her to do it.

I said to her, it's absolutely not on

and now she's left,

she's gone, she's left the boat,

she's not coming back.

I honestly can't see what I've done wrong.

What can I say?

It's the dark side of rock 'n' roll.

Can you tell me one thing?

Before she left this morning, did you...

You didn't...

You know?

Just one little pop.

I thought it was the least I could do after all

the trouble the lovely girl had gone to.

Simon, wait.

- Can't really blame him, can we?

- Yeah, you can.

Mister, you ever heard of the Vietnam War?

- I have.

- Well,

that holocaust is simply

a playground skirmish

next to what you're about to experience.

I'm declaring war.

W- A-R. Gonna tear you apart.

My dear listeners, you may have

noticed a certain cooling of the relationship

between His Royal Highness,

the Count of Cool, and a guy called Gavin.

Well, I'm eager to show the world

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes