Boat That Rocked, The Page #6

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that he is a coward.

So I'm suggesting something

that's pretty big where I come from,

and it's a game called "Chicken. "

The man who climbs furthest is the victor.

May the best man win.

And the biggest chicken lose.

Are we ready?

Then let the ascent commence.

Come on, Count.

Come on. Up you go.

Climb for America, sir.

- Hope she's worth it.

- She definitely was.

F***.

- Come on, Count.

- Come on, Count.

For God's sake.

- Help him!

Okay.

Okay.

It's... It's getting pretty high now.

I suppose there might be an argument

that it's time for a...

A moment of reflection.

Spoken like a five-star chicken.

- What are they doing?

- Just trying to help you out.

Come on, guys, don't be stupid.

Enough is enough,

you've proved your point.

We should do something!

For God's sakes, stop!

All he did was have sex

with someone's wife.

Sorry, Simon, don't take it personal.

If you fall, you will die.

Oh, my God.

Well,

changed your mind, then?

- About what?

- About me being a chicken.

Why do you ask?

Well, we've reached the top.

And...

It's the top.

But it's not the end.

Isn't it?

No, sir.

- Christ.

- F***.

Step away from the edge, you silly bastards.

This is madness.

You're nuts! You're nuts!

I think, at the end of the day,

mast climbing is the winner.

Why am I so f***ing fat?

- What do you say now?

- I say,

I know a chicken when I see one,

and I'm looking at one right now.

Adis, amigo.

Man overboard!

F***!

I don't even like Simon!

Cry-baby.

Cry-baby!

Bollocks.

What are you doing?

Wop-bop-a-loom-a-blop-bam-boom.

Tutti-frutti!

Ladies and gentlemen of Great Britain.

Abraham Lincoln once said,

"It is the measure of a man

"that he can admit when he's wrong. "

And I have been catastrophically wrong.

I'd also like to take this opportunity

to apologise to a dear friend of mine,

Simon.

Finally,

everything onboard is gonna be just fine.

Everyone, this is our last ball,

so please be careful.

- Kevin, it's your kick-off.

Kevin, come on, Kevin.

Idiot!

Idiot!

Get them trousers off. Get him!

I can see your nuts, Nutsford.

For the first time in the history of basketball,

the United Kingdom of Great Britain

will take on the United States of America.

Come on, come on.

Cheat!

Sure throwing him in is the best way

to get him to learn how to swim?

- Absolutely.

- Okay.

On second thought, it might just be for kids.

- I can't touch the bottom.

- Yeah, that's right.

Throw a baby in, it floats.

Instinctively, naturally. It's a beautiful thing.

Come on.

- I think if you throw in an adult,

- doesn't work that way.

- Goodbye.

Deprivation.

Yes.

- Yeah.

Let's do it.

Your highness, s'il vous plat.

Yes.

Okay.

I've got you limeys beat.

I have never had a sexual dream

featuring a member of the Royal Family.

Raise your hand

if you have been as equally deprived.

- Princess Margaret.

- Princess Margaret.

Yes! The full six puntos.

- Good. Full house.

- Felicity.

I have never had sex with a man.

Risky one.

- I didn't think that was the road to go down.

Damn it.

Okay, it was at school, obviously.

Who hasn't?

- Me.

All of us.

Besides you guys, okay. It was just once.

And his name was Jackman.

- Course his name was Jackman.

Yeah.

You can laugh.

But actually, he was something of a god.

- You know, I bet he was.

In the Upper Fifth.

- In the Upper Fifth?

- Yes.

- He was a bit of a god in the Upper Fifth?

- Yes.

Okay.

Jackman.

- I was curious.

- Sadly, it means you only get one point.

- One point.

One point for Felicity.

Well done.

- Well done.

Look at his doe-eyedness. Okay.

Mr Gavin Kavanagh.

Right, bit of a strange one this.

I've never been on a date with a girl...

Wait, wait.

And, after sex, thought she wouldn't notice

if I let go a little

bit of wind.

Did so,

and realised it wasn't wind...

It was diarrhoea.

So I've never been in bed

with a girl of my dreams

with poo all over the sheets behind me.

- No.

- Raise your hands

- anyone who has not done that.

- No way.

David!

You bastard, man!

- I didn't tell anyone.

- You did that?

- Yeah.

- What did you do?

Well, I told her that my wife

would be home in five minutes, so she left.

So you got away with it.

It's a grey area, really.

Tell them.

The problem being that my wife

then came home and...

I got into quite a lot of trouble

for pooing in the bed.

At 4:
00 in the afternoon.

Pooper!

Gorgeous Gavin.

Yes. That was beautiful.

We're back on "pubic" air.

Radio Rock, 203 metres

on the medium waveband.

And whatever you do, don't tell Dr Dave

I told you the infamous poo story.

Radio Rock!

It's Gavin here, and what a year it's been.

Government plans to undermine us

have failed spectacularly.

In fact, a recent poll says that

at an election, 93/ of British people

would vote for the pirates

rather than the government.

This is why.

I'm very sorry, sir.

Don't worry, Twatt.

We may lose the public relations battle,

but we will win the war.

We shall proceed,

but just not tell anyone.

Executions are best done

behind closed doors.

Now shut that filth off!

You're with me, Angus "The Nut" Nutsford.

It's Christmas time.

Carl.

I just got a message from shore,

and your mother is dropping by

to pay us a visit for Christmas.

You're kidding? When does she arrive?

Tomorrow. She was always very impromptu.

- Was she?

- Yeah.

Anyway, I thought you might like to know,

in case you want to brush your hair

or hide the large stack of pornography

you keep on that shelf.

Merry Christmas

from Radio Rock.

- I hear your mum's coming onboard?

- Yeah.

Yeah, send her my best.

- Tell her Muddy Waters rocks.

- Okay.

- She'll know what I mean.

- Yep.

- Okay.

- Okay.

Ahoy!

Christ, what a dump.

- I hoped you'd like it.

- I love it.

Hey, right on, brother.

That's some hot mummy you got there.

You got one for me?

- Good luck, my friend.

- Thanks.

Mum,

I hate to be abrupt.

Can I ask you a very serious question?

It's moving. Yes, no, I'm listening.

Is Quentin

my father?

I beg your pardon?

You heard me.

Is Quentin my dad?

No.

No. He isn't.

- No?

- No.

Cool.

It was just...

I was just thinking

how great it would be to have a father.

I'd really like one of those.

How long are you here for?

Only Boxing Day. Leaving in the morning.

Now this is very good cognac.

Yeah, it is 10:
15.

Perfect.

Turkey time.

Hey!

Ho, ho, ho!

F***ing Ho!

- Who's been naughty?

Me!

- Here we go.

- I'd like to raise a glass

- to Carl's mother.

- Yeah.

Wonderful Charlotte, it was...

A shag well shagged

- the night you made this little fella.

Definitely, definitely.

I couldn't have put it better myself.

Now, when he came aboard,

I'm sure it's all agreed

that we thought he was a bit

of a posh tosser.

I didn't like him.

He seemed unpleasant.

Me neither.

- You know what? He is now one of us.

Yes, he is!

We would like him

to stay forever.

And just to finish off, Kev.

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