Boat That Rocked, The Page #8

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Kevin, out.

Lovely to see you again, Marianne.

I guess if I just...

Sorry.

No, it's fine.

Maybe if we just lie like this.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Yes, now that would be...

Lovely.

Cool.

Lovely.

Would you like a cup of tea?

A cup of tea would be lovely.

And yes, ladies and gentlemen

of Great Britain,

Carl has emerged from the Chamber of Love.

Carl, say hello to the 20 million people

who have been waiting

with bated breath to hear the news,

whether or not you have indeed

misplaced your crucial cherry tonight.

You guys...

I think that's a yes! Is that a yes?

Remember, the reply, "I don't wanna

answer that question" means yes.

I'm certainly not

gonna answer that question...

Houston, we have lift-off.

Bravo!

Yes, newsflash.

A nice young man has lost his virginity

in the North Sea.

More soon on that breaking story.

- Morning, madam.

- Morning.

- Good morning.

- Good morning, madam.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if you could see what I see now.

There'll be dancing in the street

all over the United Kingdom tonight.

Rock 'n' roll!

Carl, well done!

Bye.

You'll be missed.

Here he is.

All right, we had a good night.

But that thing you see shining through

the window is the cold light of dawn.

And I don't want you all to imagine

that they won't be coming after us

with the full force of the law

to crush our testicles like grapes.

But don't despair completely,

because I'm glad to tell you,

I've come up with quite a clever little plan.

- Legend.

All hands on deck.

Our leader.

- I just hope it works.

Of course it'll work.

- Good night, Miss C.

- Good night, sir.

D- Day for Radio Rock at last.

Indeed, sir.

That's D for deaf.

Since they're not ready to go willingly,

I'm afraid "very nasty" is our only option.

Get out!

Move!

Get at them!

Deck's clear!

- Found anything?

- Yes, sir.

What? What have you found?

- Well, fish, sir.

- I beg your pardon?

Mainly fish.

Can I help you, Officer?

You certainly can, yes.

- What the hell are you doing here?

- Fishing, sir.

I mean, what are you doing here?

Here, where the Radio Rock ship

always is and always has been anchored.

Can't say it rings a bell, sir.

What kind of boat is she?

Lobster, cod, tuna?

Shut the f*** up!

This is obviously a trick

and she's scarpered.

Now don't you get cocky, Captain Bird's Eye.

We are going to find these bastards,

and when we do,

we are going to smash them!

Everybody out!

We've got the wrong damn boat!

We should have set sail years ago.

You're a very clever man.

This is a very good plan.

What the f*** was that?

Pardon my French, ladies and gentlemen.

We've got a small hiccup

onboard Radio Rock.

I now return you to The Small Faces.

It did look a bit unusual,

but I'm sure that...

Gentlemen, I have some good news and

some bad news. Which would you prefer?

- The good news.

- Let's have a bit of good news.

Good news.

- Good news.

- Okay.

The good news is the engine has exploded

and we're all going to die.

Right.

- Perfect.

- Is he joking?

Hello.

Dr Dave, Radio Rock.

How is that good news?

I haven't yet told you how we're going to die.

That's the bad news.

How are we gonna die?

We're going to drown

in the freezing waters of the North Sea.

- Sh*t.

- Dearie me.

There is a huge hole in the side of the boat

and in an unfortunate development,

it transpires that the lifeboats are useless.

Actually, that's quite good for you, isn't it?

'Cause you can't swim, so you'll die quicker.

- Sorry.

Dear.

All right. All right. All right. All right.

I'm going to the studio.

Harold, John, up here now.

Yeah, we're coming.

- This isn't going to happen.

A Radio Rock

newsflash with John Mayford.

News coming in that

the famous Radio Rock

has a large hole in its side

and is therefore sinking into the North Sea.

Really quite fast.

So, a tiny crisis here.

So, if any of you out there

knows anyone in Suffolk

with a boat of any shape or form,

give them a ring.

Our coordinates are 53-70 north...

Sorry.

Here's a rather long record.

I hope I'm here at the end of it.

Don't worry.

The government won't actually let us die.

They'll have to send out boats.

They've heard every swearword

we've ever spoken.

They'll have to pick up a Mayday.

Nevertheless, we should move. Come on.

I'm not sure we're in the right place

at the right time.

You all right?

You're going the wrong way, mate.

I'm really scared.

Isn't anyone else really scared?

A bit. Up you go.

Foreigners. No backbone.

Yes?

I'm sorry to have to disturb you

this late, sir.

What's your want, for heaven's sake?

It really is getting quite serious now, sir.

I'm asking permission

to send our boats back to pick them up.

Absolutely not.

I absolutely could not justify

the extra expenditure

when there are so many other problems

we need money for as a government

both home and abroad.

They might die, sir.

Happens to the best of us, Twatt.

Happens to the very best of us.

Nighty-night.

- Whoa, there, are you okay?

Simon, have you got a...

- Okay.

- Mark, well done. Come in.

And in those trousers. Not bad.

Thank you, John.

So, we'll be safe here for a while.

The captain thinks we've got till dawn

before we go the full Titanic.

We've sent out an official distress call.

And I'm sure someone will rescue us soon.

Really? Really? Yeah?

We're all right.

- Really.

We're all right.

Can I just say something, then?

I know I'm not the most popular guy

on the boat.

On the radio I'm fine.

In the flesh it's something

that people just don't warm to. I know.

But I just wanna say, the three years here,

I've been closer to finding friendship

than I've ever been in my life.

And I'd rather have had that and die

than not have had it and lived. I think.

Maybe not. No, actually.

- Come on.

- I just...

You're being ridiculous.

- Well, I'm not popular.

- Look, this isn't...

No, that's... Every group needs a fall guy,

and yeah, sure, you've been it. But it's not...

It's just been a joke. You know?

I mean, lookit,

everybody who actually loves this nut, huh?

And is proud as can be

to count him in the number of their friends,

just raise their hands.

See? Okay?

There we go.

David?

Be honest.

What? Okay.

Where's Bob?

- Get the...

I'm lying.

Wait a minute. Where's Bob?

- He fell on ice.

- Guys, Bob!

Where's my dad?

We'll wait another minute.

So who's broadcasting?

No one.

is silent for the first time.

Well, excuse my language,

but f*** that sideways, sir.

Harold, after you.

Bob!

Bob!

- Dad?

Easy.

Easy. Just listening to a new track

by the Grateful Dead.

I'm gonna have to stop it.

Hey, don't do that. Don't do that.

That's a bit of a space invasion, man.

Well, the thing is, Bob,

the boat is actually sinking,

and if you listen to the end of this track,

you will die.

Let's go.

Mind the hole.

Oh, no.

- Thanks, man.

- You're welcome.

Here. Come to me.

- What are you doing?

I'm feeling guilty about sleeping

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