Boat Trip Page #3

I see you took the omelette,

the waffles and the flapjacks.

Hungry little man, aren't you?

Do you care for a bite of my sausage?

In England, we call them bangers.

Captain, can you come over here

a minute, please?

There's a small craft off the starboard

trying to get our attention.

- Help!

- Help us!

- Help!

- Somebody save us!

Jesus...

Sound the alarm.

All hands on dick... deck.

Deck!

Tea?

For you.

Oh, my God.

- I must be dreaming. Pinch me.

- Sure. My pleasure.

- I didn't say on my ass.

- You didn't not say it.

I didn't think

I had to specify. Jesus.

Nick, Nick.

Look, you gotta help me out.

Remember that woman that dragged

me into the room last night?

I can't get her off my mind.

She kissed me. Technically it was

mouth to mouth. But it was fabulous.

I mean, I gotta find her.

I mean I was so wasted...

- Who are they?

- The answer to our prayers.

Twelve of the most gorgeous

creatures I've ever seen.

But I'm not greedy.

I'll share.

Go ahead, pick... two.

No. This girl's fabulous.

She's special.

I gotta find her.

She's special. Special.

Hello.

- Hi.

- Who are you?

I'm Nick Ragoni, the most grateful

man on the planet.

I'm Inga. Very pleasurable

to meet you.

How'd you all get here?

We are the Swedish sun

tanning team...

on our way to the Hawaiian

Tropics Tanning Competition.

Some bonehead shot down

our helicopter.

Coach had to make water landing.

I didn't think this would happen

until I died and went to heaven.

It's a lucky thing we were picked

up by a boat full of homo boys.

It would be terrible to have

straight men hassling and ogling us...

while we're trying to work on

our even tan lines.

You're so right.

Lucky I'm gay!

I'm super gay! I'm mega...

I'm gay enormous!

I'm so gay!

But that's good.

'Cause now you guys can all feel

comfortable in front of me...

and take off your tops and stuff.

And I can do this for you.

I can put tanning oils

and creamy lotions...

all over your luscious bodies.

And there won't be any worries

for you because I'm so gay!

Yeah, baby! Yeah, baby!

Almost finished!

Okay, let's do the back.

The first time I think

I realized I was gay...

was when I was around twelve

in Scouts.

I really liked putting on

that kerchief.

In fact, it was the only part

I liked about it.

That and the nude swimming.

Anyway, I hope you gals

all feel comfortable around me.

"Ja", Nick.

'Cause I sure do feel comfortable

around you.

All done. Who's next?

How about you, Ursula?

Ready for your second coat?

These thighs look a little dry.

There we go.

What do you want?

What the hell is that?

I got this from that dude

over there. He's hot.

You are no gay homo man.

I am Sonya, coach of tanning team.

- What?

- Quiet!

As long as these women

are in training...

there will be no trouser snakes

near their hot luscious popos.

Put me down!

Coach of the tanning team.

That's ridiculous.

If I want to talk

to any of these ladies, I will.

And there's not a damn thing

you can do to stop me.

Oh, yeah?

What the hell happened to you?

I died and went to heaven.

And then some muscle bound blonde

dwarf knocked me back down to hell.

- What?

- You know those 12 gorgeous hotties?

They've got

a goddamn bodyguard.

I can take disappointments, Jer.

But little Mickey's already known

such heartache in a short life.

Well then I guess all three of us

struck out.

I still can't find that girl.

I've looked everywhere.

You know, I've kissed

Felicia for four years...

and never felt anything like

I felt last night.

That girl is special.

I gotta find her.

You're abandoning me?

What am I supposed to do?

This is a luxury cruise!

Not everything's gay-oriented.

No more bets.

Red three is the winner.

Beautiful. Poker.

This is gonna be sweet.

These trouser pilots are no match

for a lusty hetero like myself.

This will be like taking candy

from a baby.

Why is that?

Are gay men notorious bad gamblers?

Awful. They can't bluff.

They look at the cards,

they start giggling. Terrible.

Promise me you won't act like a gay

bashing narrow minded Neanderthal.

Jerry, buddy, you're talking to me.

- Lady, couple of clubs, pass a flush...

- Hello gays... guys.

- Mind if I join you?

- Sure thing, gorgeous.

I can't remember.

Does a straight beat a flush?

Damn! I really thought

I had this one.

Listen, Nick.

I don't want you to take offense, but

can I give you a piece of advice?

- What?

- Don't clear your throat.

What?

Every time you bluff,

you clear your throat.

I do?

Don't play the cards.

Play the players.

Right. Here we go.

Any up.

Five or shoot. Three card Monty.

King is to win. There you go.

There's a winner!

We got a winner!

Hey you.

Unbelievable.

That was embarrassing!

They offer a pool safety class on board.

You should check it out.

Let me give you a hand.

I'm Gabriella.

I'm Jerry.

Oh, boy.

- Hi.

- Hi.

You like?

Oh, yeah.

Ice cream?

Yeah, that's okay.

Coach would kill me if she knew

I broke training.

But I no can help. I am...

What is the word?

- Oral.

- That's the word.

And what a wonderful word it is.

I'm so lonely.

Coach's very strict about keeping us

away from men during tanning season.

It's too bad you're gay, Nick.

- Good night.

- Inga, wait, wait.

I've always been curious

about your country.

- Mind if I ask you something?

- Yeah.

What would you like

to know about, Nick?

Our cities, our lakes and rivers,

our safe and sturdy automobiles?

I'm a big fan of your cinema.

I've rented quite a bit of it.

I've noticed your people's progressive

attitude towards premarital sex.

So I was wondering, theoretically,

if my own sexual orientation were...

If you're asking if I'd sleep with you if

you were straight the answer is "Ja".

- "Ja"? "Ja" means "Yes", right?

- Ja!

Inga, I have a surprise for you.

I'm straight.

I'm as straight as a Volvo going

down an Oslo toll road.

- But Oslo is in Norway.

- The point is... we can make love.

I know that's the best news

I've ever heard.

I'm cabin 4433.

Meet me in five minuten.

You got it. Five minuten.

And not a minuten more.

Hello. Are there any condoms

available on this ship?

Come in. Door is open.

Coach.

Changing room assignments.

You bunk with Pia.

- But why, coach?

- You cannot be trusted with minibar.

- You are in training.

- But coach, I eat nothing all day.

You ate yesterday, ja?

Your butt is disgusting.

I better double check.

Ja, disgusting.

Both cheeks.

Ja, ja, ja. Move it, fattie.

- Knock it off and go to bed.

- Alright, coach.

Thank you for lending me

your jacket.

- So, what do you do on this ship?

- I'm a dance teacher.

- Wow. Teaching dance must be fun.

- It can be.

Especially on the gay cruises.

They're much more fun

than the straight ones.

Why is that?

The guys that go on the straight

cruises... all you meet are these...

...horny creeps.

- Oh, I got a friend like that.

I bet men hit on you all the time.

You've got a hot ass.

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