Boat Trip Page #4

Excuse me?

Your ass. It's hot.

Thanks.

Your butt's nothing

to sneeze at, either.

So...

...you must have a boyfriend.

- No, no, no.

- No boyfriend.

- Really?

Why not?

Every boyfriend I've ever had has

turned out to be a son of a b*tch.

- Well, not every guy is a...

- I know what you're thinking.

I just never met "the right guy".

Trust me, honey. I've met every type

out there and it's pretty bad.

Liars, guys with two wives,

guys with commitment issues...

guys with parole issues.

You name it, I've dated them all.

Which is why I'm so relieved

to be on this boat.

There's not one

straight man in sight.

- Excuse me?

- It's so great...

because I can really be myself.

I don't care about makeup...

I don't care about what

I'm wearing...

if a guy is talking to me because

he wants to get into my pants...

- Gabriella...

- You know what else?

Let's say I do get horny one day.

Maybe I can even find a gay guy

and he can do me the favor.

- The favor?

- How do you say in English?

Make me scream, make me moan.

Screw my brains out.

I don't mean to be a b*tch...

but these staterooms

could use a bit more color.

Now we are laying down to sleep.

Our hot tight bodies

the Lord will keep.

Inga darling, it's me, Nicky.

I'm here.

Reverend Lindstrom, "nej".

Just think of what

would the bishop say.

Who's knocking at my doors?

Oh, my God!

Let's go downtown, baby.

Help me, Jesus!

I don't want to die!

"Nej, nej, nej.

Ja, ja, ja, ja."

Get off me!

What's that?

It's coming from the coach's room.

Smoking sturgeons!

Coach's p*ssy just blew up.

It was good for me, ja.

Oh, Jesus.

I gotta tell you, Nick.

She's so great.

We had so much fun.

We talked, we laughed.

Can you hand me one of those

cheese-flavored penises?

Gabriella is everything I've ever

wanted in a woman. I even pierced...

...my ear for her.

- You better make sure...

...it's the right ear.

- Of course it 's...

- Yeah, I better look into that.

- How was your evening?

Let's just say I had some bad

shellfish and leave it at that.

- Hey. Hold on a second. See ya.

- Here she comes.

- Grab my ass.

- What are you? Crazy?

I told her I was gay. Now wet

your lips and look at me lovingly.

- Do I look like a homo to you?

- Yes.

An out of shape one,

but we have those too.

Thank you very much. That's enough.

Moving along. Nothing to see here.

What do you want me to do?

Act like I'm gay?

- Hi, boys.

- Hi.

I don't believe you two have

formally been introduced.

- This is my life partner.

- I'm not his life...

He's a little seasick this morning.

- Maybe he's just a little lovesick.

- Right!

- We're into S&M.

- Okay.

If you feel better later you would

like to come to my new class?

- Yeah? It's dirty dancing.

- Dirty dancing?

- So taboo.

- What the hell's wrong with you?

"He's my life partner".

You need to keep an open mind.

Nick! Hey!

- It's only for a few days.

- Quit bugging me.

I'm getting my nuts handed to me

on a platter.

- I wouldn't mind seeing that.

- Don't say it!

- Why not?

- Cause I won't, that's why.

Be a friend.

As a friend?

You're a wiener.

Now buzz off. I'm trying

to concentrate on my workout.

You're not working out.

Nick, if you do me this one favor,

I promise you I...

Nick!

Come on, listen.

I'm begging you.

- Maybe I'll skip the steam.

- That's a good idea.

Listen...

After what happened with Felicia, I

thought I'd never feel this way again.

Why are you making such

a big deal about this girl?

- She's a classic man-hater.

- No, no, no.

Gabriella doesn't mean it. She's just

had bad luck with guys she dates...

because they only want to have sex

with her. You know the type.

Don't ever take sides

against the guys.

Nick, I just need a few days

to get to know her.

Then I'll tell her the truth.

Why are you hiding

from that woman?

Hiding? I'm not hiding.

I have a cramp.

Nick, I'm desperate.

- What if I offered to pay you?

- Pay me! How dare you!

You think I'd sacrifice my dignity,

my self-esteem...

my whole way of life for a few,

measly dollars? No!

- Five hundred, cash?

- I'll do it!

- Come closer, you're too far away.

- No!

Hey, hey. Hold on.

Beautiful. Very nice, everyone.

I love it.

Jerry, you're light on your feet.

This whole place

is light on its feet.

Nick, your body's too stiff.

Wait. Listen to me.

Your body's too stiff.

I want you to loosen up. Come on.

There you go. Move it and then

go on, dance by yourself.

Feel the music, Nick.

Feel it.

Feel it.

Okay, everyone.

Change partners.

Cha, cha, cha, cha, cha.

We meet again, "chrie".

I hope that's your belt buckle

I feel back there.

You know, from the moment

we met, I felt there was...

...an electrical charge between us.

- I think your pacemaker shortened out.

How did you know

I like to be humiliated?

Look, Lloyd, you're barking up

the wrong tree here.

I know.

- You want to lead.

- Lloyd, I'm not...

interested.

That's alright. I'm a patient man.

I can wait.

I'm also very rich.

You know,

I'd like to spoil you, Nick.

Take you to places

you've never been.

Show you things you've never seen.

I'd like to...

Jerry!

Cha-cha-cha.

That's it.

You know, you're

a really good dance teacher.

Really? It's fun to

teach a class like this.

I always felt too self-conscious

to really...

...cut loose, you know?

- We have a revue here on board.

It's like an amateur night thing.

- You think you'd be interested?

- Too public.

- I'm more of a closet dancer.

- That's a shame.

- Because I'm the choreographer.

- Really?

Well, for you,

I might just waltz out of the closet.

- You know... it's strange.

- What's that?

The way you stare at me sometimes.

The way you touch me like that,

you know?

It's exactly the way

a straight guy would.

Me? Straight? Girlfriend, please!

Nobody's gotta teach me

how to be gay.

Bette Midler is also known

as the Divine Miss...

- M?

- Very good!

Very good.

Oh, sorry!

Okay, now describe the Brandy

Alexander you're drinking.

- Refreshing.

- No, no, no! It is to die for!

Also acceptable divine,

marvellous, charming and ooh-la-la.

At first I was afraid

I was petrified

Kept thinking I could never live

Without you by my side

But then I spent so many nights

Thinking how you did me wrong

And I grew strong

And I learned how to get along

And now you're back

From outer space

I just walked in to see you there

With that sad look upon your

Why you stopped singing?

I don't know the words.

You want to convince people you're

gay and you don't know the words?

Singing disco tunes

and wearing calypso outfits...

is not going to help me

convince Gabriella that I'm gay.

Hector, this is stupid.

Are you humming "I Will Survive?"

That's right.

And I know all the words.

- You're looking at me like I'm crazy.

- I'm not.

- You know what?

- What?

Champagne usually

makes me a crazy, too.

Champagne, ocean air...

strange things might happen.

I might turn into

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