Book Club Page #8

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it's that he really hates

to be embarrassed.

Isn't that true, Pup?

Oh, I hate a lot

of things right now.

That's not even

in the top three.

Will this affect

your ability to drive?

[Bruce] No, ma'am.

Mmm-mmm.

Okay.

- Enjoy your night.

- [Bruce] Okay.

You, too.

Thank you.

[Mitchell]

I think I like you.

Well, I think that's probably

just the wine talking, right?

Wait.

You know what?

I think I'm in trouble here.

- Oh, I'm well past trouble.

- Yeah?

- [thump]

- What?

I think

I heard something.

It's probably just

the wine talking, right?

- [chuckling]

- And how often does the wine talk in your world?

- [gate opens]

- Oh, my God. Wait, who... who is that?

- Mom?

- [Mitchell] Oh, boy.

[Diane shrieks]

- Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Mom!

Honey, let me explain.

What the heck

is happening here?

Hi. You must be, uh,

Adrianne and Jill.

I'm Mitchell.

- Chris.

- Stop it!

Mitchell, can you just...

[shrieks]

You okay?

- [Jill] Mom!

- No, please. No, I'm fine.

Just let me explain, okay?

I'll be right back.

Wait, where are you going?

She's okay. She's perfectly...

She was in good hands. Relax.

- You relax!

- [Mitchell] No, it's okay.

- You relax!

- We've had a long day. I'm sorry.

I was just trying to give us

a little jumpstart.

I thought maybe if we had

a really nice night

and things sort of

naturally progressed,

then maybe

we would both feel better.

Great plan! Congratulations

on the execution.

Sorry. I really was just

trying to help you, Bruce.

Help me?

By never once considering

that I might have an opinion!

No, it's not just tonight.

It's everything, Carol!

You've got me

taking dance lessons.

Dance lessons for a talent show

that I never even signed up for!

You've been going to my

No Kid Hungry fundraiser

for the past 15 years.

You always show up for me.

That was for dinner.

Well, forgive me

for trying to find ways

to keep us connected.

"Hey, Bruce, here's something

you're gonna hate to do

for the next two months,

but in the end it'll be okay

because there will be

an onstage public shaming!

So happy anniversary!"

What, what? Sorry, sorry.

Didn't hear you at all,

because my husband

gave me

these wonderful earplugs,

so we wouldn't have to listen

to each other anymore.

Happy anniversary!

Hey, and by the way,

I got us the earplugs

so you wouldn't miss

any of your TV shows,

just because I happen

to love to fall asleep

next to my wife in our bed!

So forgive me!

[bang]

[groans]

[grunts angrily]

[groans]

Okay, what are you doing?

Come on.

Diane, I know this...

I know this is not the direction

we hoped for this evening.

This is... It's such a disaster!

Do you see what I mean?

You've got to admit it was kind of funny.

A cop showed up!

No, it wasn't kind of funny.

This whole thing

is just one giant mistake.

You don't believe that.

I get that it's embarrassing,

but who gives a sh*t?

No, you know what?

You don't get it, Mitchell.

You know why?

Because you don't have kids.

Kids? They're like adults,

your kids.

You know,

you're out here

on your ranch,

with no one to take care of

but yourself.

Okay, that's fine for you,

but that's not the real world.

I have a family

and I have responsibilities.

- I'm sorry, but that's my world.

- I'm sure I don't understand

everything you're

going through right now.

That's right.

You don't have a clue.

Listen to me. Look at me.

I know we just met.

But you can't spend your

entire life just going around

taking care

of other people.

That's also not part

of the real world.

Okay, hey!

- Diane.

- What? What?

I'm saying it's okay

to be happy, Diane.

Well, I'm really...

I'm sorry, but I have to go.

[rock music playing]

[music fades]

Bruce. Bruce, honey.

What?

I know I've been acting

a little crazy lately.

And obviously

I went overboard tonight.

Really?

My gosh, I hadn't noticed.

I am so sorry.

I embarrassed you...

and I made you feel

like you didn't matter.

I just don't know

what's been going on with you

for the last few months

and it scares me.

I know what I did

was wrong, and...

I'm sorry.

[sighs]

I got spooked.

Spooked?

Yeah, at the...

retirement party.

You know, I saw...

40 years just... vanish.

And I didn't know

who I was anymore.

Well, what was I gonna do?

What can I do?

I got scared.

I am scared.

And I need a little time

to figure out who I am again.

[Carol] I hear you.

And I'm not gonna try

to fix everything on my own...

tempting though that may be.

And I'm not gonna make you do

a bunch of stuff

that you don't want to do,

like dancing at the fundraiser.

I know you never wanted

to do that.

So forget it, okay?

I'm going to bed.

[Carol] Whoa, ice cream

straight from the tub?

Yeah, well, I ran into Tom

and his very happy fiance.

Ah!

They're hosting

a double-engagement party

at their house.

Oh, did I mention

he calls her "babe"?

Which is sort of perfect

since she's a child.

- Oh, no.

- Yeah.

What did I miss?

Well, Sharon

is never dating again.

And we're all miserable.

So basically

nothing has changed.

Yeah, well...

Whoa. Since when

do you eat ice cream?

[mumbles] Since now.

So I take it things

went south for you, too?

I slept with Arthur.

Now, there's a shocker.

No, not sex.

I actually

fell asleep with him.

You've never been able

to sleep with a man before!

I know.

So, I mean...

you didn't have sex?

We slept on a couch

and he tickled my arm.

Oh, boy, now this is a disaster.

When is he leaving?

Not soon enough!

God, I got a brain freeze.

Here, give that

to a professional.

Oh, my God!

Well, anyway,

I have an announcement.

Okay.

I am...

I'm officially...

moving to Arizona.

- What?

- Oh, tell me it's for the pilot!

No, no, no.

For my daughters.

This has gone

from bad to worse!

Well, I mean, they renovated

the basement for me,

and everything

is slip resistant,

and I can walk into the tub.

- Oh, my God.

- Ick.

But what about the pilot?

Crashed and burned.

I mean, we're not 18 anymore.

Nope.

We're sure not

spring flowers.

No. More like potpourri.

So, this is...

[groans] Oh, my God,

this is my last book club!

Oh, no, you're kidding!

Oh, Diane!

Do we even want to talk

about the book?

[groans]

- I hate this book, okay? Done.

- [Vivian] Me, too.

Yeah.

Are we really

this pathetic?

None of us have

anything interesting to say?

Well, my little affair

ended with me in a pool

on top

of an inflatable swan

and my daughters showing up

with the police!

Well, that certainly

qualifies as interesting.

I'm assuming

you were not in that pool alone.

Well... I was not.

Good for you.

Do I want to get us

another one of these?

- Oh, yeah.

- Yes!

[Diane]

The sooner the better.

[pop music playing]

Men make life impossible.

Oh, God,

tell me about it.

Well, you're one to talk.

Ditching God's gift to women

so you can live in a basement

and breastfeed

your daughter's children?

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