Born Yesterday Page #4

OK! Good night, Billie.

Paul, are you a talker or would you

be interested in a little action?

- Excuse me?

- I got the hots for you right off.

Well... do you get many?

Now and then.

- What do you do about them?

- Stick around and you'll find out!

What about...?

Don't worry about him.

He's too busy being a big man.

This isn't what I expected!

We're just teaching each other

what we know.

Yes, well, about that...

Just read these papers and circle

anything you don't understand.

I don't know about that.

My eyes are kind of weak.

Really?

Well, maybe you oughta try some glasses.

And look like a geek?

I'm sorry.

Th-that's OK.

Course, they're not so bad on men.

No?

How're you guys making out?

Oh, fine.

Paul just... taught me a little French!

Is that right, pal? What's the matter?

Was she rude to you?

She's got a mouth on her.

Yes, I know that!

Well, I'm gonna say good night.

Good night!

Wait a minute, buddy.

What's the matter with you?

Where's your manners?

Say thank you to the guy.

Oh... yeah.

Au revoir.

Good night, Billie.

Night.

That guy could do you a lotta good.

I agree.

How'd you know it was me?

Lucky guess.

- Hi. Are you having lunch?

- Just a cappuccino, thanks.

This is ridiculous. It looks like

the paper has the chicken pox.

It would have been easier if you'd told me

to circle things I knew.

I'm never gonna be able

to talk to anybody in this town.

I brought something along

that may help you.

Somebody who's really smart

and looks just like me?

You want to be able to talk to people

in this town?

In Washington, everybody says

exactly the same things at every party.

You just have to know

the right responses.

If you learn these eight sentences,

you'll be a hit at every party.

- You're kidding me!

- Nope.

Those eight sentences cover just about

everything anybody talks about.

It's the Washington art

of sounding like you know what you're

talking about when you don't know zip.

- Go ahead. Read the first.

- OK.

"Here's what I'd like to know; who

elected the Washington Post president?"

That one applies

about 80 per cent of the time.

Number two. "We can't be

the policemen of the world,

but until we get another cop on the

block, we have to support our friends."

That one comes up a lot.

Number three.

"Being a superpower has a price."

Use that with number two

and number four. Read number four.

"It's still a dangerous world."

I'm just gonna say these things

and I'm gonna be a hit?

Yeah, but you have to say them

at the right time.

Read number five.

"That's about as likely

as a Democrat being elected president."

That one shows

you have a sense of humour.

That was funny?

Number six.

"It makes you wonder if a par...

parli..."

Parliamentary.

"...system isn't better."

Yeah, the whole thing makes me wonder!

Number seven.

"I don't think Abe Lincoln himself

would know what to do about that."

You say that one

when you don't know what to say.

Oh, good! Then I'll just say that one.

Number eight is when you're trapped

and you want to shut someone up.

"If only the UN would take out the

Verner Amendment to Resolution 165,

we'd have the power

to do what needs to be done."

I don't understand one word of that.

No-one will.

There is no Verner Amendment.

But the only time anyone in Washington

admits they don't know something

is when they're being indicted.

But how am I going to know

when to say which one?

We'll work out a code. OK?

Try not to talk to anyone. This guy's

only been working on you for a day.

She can talk to anybody, Harry,

and make you proud.

It's working backwards!

Instead of making her smart,

she's making you stupid.

Good evening.

The Middle East is a money drain!

Lt'll always be the same.

We ought to spend that money at home.

So just ignore the region?

Miss Dawn, is there a chance

for peace in the Middle East?

The chances are as good as getting

a Democrat back in the White House.

After all the problems

the President's had recently,

he doesn't have much clout anyway.

It makes you wonder

if a parliamentary system isn't better.

But I think we should keep a strong

presence over there, don't you?

Well, here's what I have to say.

Who elected the Washington Post

king of the universe?

- Excuse me.

- I'm sorry, what did you say?

Do you think we should keep

an active presence over there?

Forgive me! I thought you said...

Anyway, active presence, yeah...

Well...

I know we can't be

the policemen of the world,

but until we get another cop, we have

an obligation to support our friends.

After all,

being a superpower has its price.

She's right.

It's still a dangerous world.

But what about the Palestinians?

- Yes, what about the Palestinians?

- Yeah, what about the Palestinians?

I don't think even Abe Lincoln himself

could solve that one.

- But let's say you're president.

- Yeah, let's say you was president.

What would you do?

It's simple. If the UN would remove the

Verner Amendment from Resolution 165,

we'd have the authority

to do what needs to be done.

Can I get anyone anything?

I'd love a drink.

Excuse us.

Isn't she terrific?

Hell, I'm knocked out.

- She's right about the Verner Amendment.

- Absolutely.

Is it the economy of the state

that worries you, Harry, or your own?

Both. If I go under,

I take a lot of people with me.

Harry, I'm getting tired.

I got business.

Do me a favour, pal, take her home?

With pleasure.

You did a helluva job.

No kiddin', pal. A helluva job.

Senator, we cannot do a thing until

the UN removes the Verner Amendment.

- Yeah, 165!

- Without question.

You were great!

Everybody loved you.

What's the matter?

Don't you think you were great?

Oh, yeah, we really tricked 'em,

didn't we?

What do you mean?

If you saw a good ventriloquist, who

would you compliment? The dummy?

You're not a dummy.

Harry's right.

You're the one who did it.

I still don't know anything,

only now nobody can tell.

But Paul, there was one time,

right in the middle,

when I was saying something

and everybody was looking at me,

like I knew what I was talking about!

And I liked it so much!

Did you teach me to cheat

cos you think I can't learn?

Oh, God, Billie, no!

I... I just didn't think

you were so serious about it.

I'm kind of surprised myself.

I've been thinking a lot

about something my dad used to say.

"Without knowledge,

you are less than everybody."

And I don't want to be less.

I don't want be better than anybody

neither,

and I don't want to go above myself.

I just want...

I want to not be less.

Well, I'm afraid

it's too late for that.

Cos you're already

more than most people.

Well, here we are.

See you tomorrow?

So, how are we gonna smarten me up?

Well, we aren't gonna do it.

You're gonna do it.

It's your battle.

It's up to you.

Good night.

G'night.

What are you reading?

Democracy In America by...

...Pocahontas.

Yeah, she's good.

What's anachronistic?

Dictionary.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes