Bowfinger Page #2

And Van Damme and Jackie Chan.

Tell 'em the spear-chucker said hello!

Get my door just as fast

as you get Tom Hanks'!

- Wait. Who are you?

- Script delivery from Paramount.

- I ain't expectin' no script from Paramount.

- I mean Universal.

- Maybe so. Come on.

- Gotta have you sign.

- I ain't signing sh*t.

- It's all good. This script is butter.

- What?

- Butter, butter. This stuff is butter.

It's all good. It's jiggy baby.

How you know it's all good and jiggy baby?

- I was reading it on the way over.

- You read my script?

I loved this script 'cause

it's a twist on the usual.

- It's science fiction, which we know sells...

- You shut up.

I'll whip your ass.

You don't be reading my stuff.

- Get off the property!

- I just got a little excited.

I gotta get over to my MindHead meeting.

MindHead?

- MindHead?

- MindHead! You need a lift?

- I can't believe that!

- Yeah! Come on in.

- Thank you.

- What a coincidence!

- Who's your guide?

- Terry Stricter. Yours?

- Ray.

- Ray?

It's people like you

that give MindHead a bad name!

You lying sack of sh*t!

Read the script.

I'm really a big-time producer with clout.

Welcome to MindHead.

Welcome to MindHead.

Seems as though

you're doing much better.

- Yes. Yes.

- Your paranoia...

...is definitely under control

since you came to understand...

...Happy Premise Number One.

Happy Premise Number One:

There are no aliens.

Happy Premise Number Two.

Happy Premise Number Two:

There is no giant foot trying to squash me.

Happy Premise Number Three.

Happy Premise Number Three:

Even though I feel like I might ignite...

...I probably won't.

What do we do?

Keep it together.

Keep it together. Keep it together.

And what is it we don't do

under any circumstances?

- Oh, man!

- What is it?

I have to show it to the Laker Girls.

You cannot show it to the Laker Girls.

Keep Mr. Weenie in the pants.

Always in the pants.

I know you want to show it

to the Laker Girls...

...but you must never show it

to the Laker Girls.

What did he say?

Betsy, come here.

Sit! Come.

Sit!

Good girl! Come here. What a good girl.

- Is she amazing, or what?

- What did he say?

I'm at the meeting with Jerry Renfro,

and it's going very well.

But, I'm looking at him and I'm thinking,

I don't need him.

What I need is someone like a Kit Ramsey.

Kit Ramsey makes this a go picture.

- So, I went to see Kit at his home.

- My God.

What did he say?

- What did who say?

- What did Kit Ramsey say?

I'm meeting with Kit at his home...

By the way, he knew who I was.

I gave him the script,

and he looked through the script.

And I said, "So, what do you think?

Are you interested in doing this movie?"

Kit looked at me...

...he said...

Kit, just...

...said:

"Yes."

Kit Ramsey said yes?

Kit Ramsey is doing this movie!

- You told them we'd make this movie?

- That's right, I did.

- You have to tell them.

- Tell them what?

- We're not gonna make the movie.

- Dave, I made them a promise.

How will you make the movie

with Kit Ramsey? He said no.

You don't think I worked that out?

We'll make the movie

with Kit Ramsey, except...

- Except what?

- Except he won't know he's in it.

What?

We secretly follow him around

with a camera.

Our actors walk up to him

and say their lines.

And he's in our movie,

and we don't have to pay him.

- What's he gonna say?

- What difference does it make?

It's an action movie.

All he's gotta do is run.

He runs away from the aliens,

he runs toward the aliens.

I want to show you something.

Got this all worked out, I think.

There are six major scenes with Kit.

The ones in red.

He's not in any of the other scenes...

...so we just shoot those

with our own actors on our own time.

Bingo, we've got a movie.

That's crazy.

But we're desperate.

Why don't you wait till you get a star

who wants to be in it?

I'm 49 years old.

Admittedly, I could get away

with 44, 41, maybe 38.

But when you hit 50,

they don't hire you anymore.

It's like they can smell 50.

What's that?

When I was 10,

I knew I wanted to make movies...

...but I knew no one

was going to give me that.

So I started putting away

one dollar every week of my life.

If I missed a week, I made it up later,

from age 10 on.

And now, you're looking at enough

to get us started.

$2,184.

But movies cost millions of dollars

to make.

That's after gross net deduction

profit percentage...

...deferment ten percent of the nut.

Cash? Every movie costs $2,184.

Where do I go to be an actress?

Okay. That was nice.

We have your photos,

and we'll call you when we decide.

- I have new photos.

- No, these are good.

- You hated me, didn't you?

- No. You were very good.

She was good.

She had the personality

of a zip code in Kansas.

- She didn't have "it."

- What do you mean, "it"?

"Lt" is a special quality.

No matter what,

you cannot take your eyes off that person.

Every word they say,

every gesture you're interested in.

Do I have "it"?

I'm sorry. I wasn't listening. What?

Do I have "it"?

Yes, you do.

I thought I did.

Next. Who's next?

Is this where I go to be a star?

This is where you go to sacrifice,

learn your craft and work hard.

Does that take more than a week?

I gave myself one week.

- That's this office.

- We'll take a chance, see if you have "it."

See if you have a special quality.

See if you have the illusion

of the first time.

Where do I pay? It's $25, right?

- A check?

- I have ID.

Maybe a less solid movie company

could take a check, but we only take cash.

But I don't have any cash on me.

I have cash, but just not on me,

and the banks aren't open.

There, there, there.

There's the door.

We can't let you audition.

- But I drove in from Ohio and...

- I'm sorry.

- Well...

- I'm sorry.

There you are. Goodbye.

She looked pretty good, like she could act.

Yeah, but if they don't pay to audition,

it could be dangerous.

How?

If she gets the part.

She might want to be paid.

Maybe she had "it"!

I didn't make the system.

The system is bigger...

All right. If you want

the responsibility, fine.

I talked it over with the man.

Says he'll take a check.

- He will?

- Yes.

- He listens to you?

- Yeah.

"I could never be with you, Todd.

"I'm loyal to Keith. I'm loyal to him.

"I could never, never kiss you."

Okay, that was very good.

Let's try it one more time.

Slater, this time without the erection.

Thank you, Mr. Bowfinger! Thank you!

We gotta get a crew.

The best damn crew we can afford.

ndale, muchachos!

In here. In here.

Come on. In here.

Welcome to America.

I'm so happy to meet you.

This is gonna be great.

I can tell you know what you're doing...

Thanks for making the trip.

Glad to have you aboard.

Guess what? We just closed Kit's deal.

Typical deal. Points. Name over the title.

- We get only one take with Kit.

- One take?

- He doesn't want to see the camera.

- How come?

It's his way of working.

He's so into his character, that if he sees

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