Bowfinger Page #4

and I'm going to take it."

You are a great writer. You really are.

I love my new scenes. They're so great.

Are they going in?

- That's up to Bowfinger.

- It is?

That's sharp. Do the thing.

I'm gonna look good in that. That's bad.

Send it up to the house for me.

The store would be happy to offer you

these clothes without charge...

...if you'd come back Friday,

let us take a picture...

...for LA Style of you wearing the clothes.

I can do that. It'll cost you $1,000.

I'll be here Friday, 4:00.

- I'm sure that could be arranged.

- Hundred-dollar bills.

Right.

I know I shouldn't do this,

I just want you to know...

...that you were so real

in your response to the aliens.

I wasn't even sure

I could be a pod person...

...but now I'm enjoying it

because you made the aliens come alive.

It was like they were living inside of me.

At first I was nervous

about us having sex...

...but now I think it's fine as long

as we do it in a professional manner.

There'll be a lot of people watching.

I won't bother you anymore.

He's in the grotto.

What did this alien want from you?

She wanted to inhale my gonads!

- Say again?

- My gonads!

They come down, pretend they're shaking

your hands, but they're not.

They inhale your gonads

for special research.

I got rid of the Sports Channel.

No more gamma beams from Jupiter

messing with my mind.

Keep it together.

Kit, maybe you should stay

with us for a few days...

...in our special celebrity relaxing quarters.

- You think I need that?

- I do.

Go get my checkbook.

Keep it together.

- Can't find Kit.

- What do you mean you can't find Kit?

He's one of the most famous faces

in the world. You can find him.

No. We staked out his house,

MindHead, everywhere.

- He's vanished, gone.

- Where is the guy?

We can't shoot movie without our star.

Actors have no work ethic these days.

They keep his movements secret.

They control him.

A lot of guys must look like Kit.

We'll get a look-alike for the long shots.

We'll shoot him from behind

and not show his face.

Kit showed his ass

in eight of his ten films...

...eight of his ten films were hits,

so we need a guy with a fabulous ass...

...and mine is the wrong color.

Then I studied at the Moscow Arts Theater

for two years...

...and did a year at the National in London.

I'm currently doing a midnight production

of Waiting for Godot here in L.A.

And are you in the union?

Yes, I am.

Currently, I'm packing fries

at the Burger King on Douglas.

- Do you have experience in film?

- Quite a bit, actually.

Quite a bit of experience.

I'm an active renter at Blockbuster...

...and I attend the Film du Cinema...

...as much as possible.

Weekly, biweekly, inter-weekly,

intermediately.

Would you be willing to cut your hair?

Yes, but it's usually better

if someone else does it.

I've had a few accidents.

- Can you see without your glasses?

- Yeah. I can see.

I don't really see well, but I can see.

- Do you have contacts?

- I have contact lenses.

I can wear contact lenses. That'd help.

- Can I put my glasses back on?

- Sure, put them back on.

I'm getting a little headache.

Would you be willing to show

your naked rear end in a movie?

Yeah, I guess so.

- This is hard.

- Just one more question.

In addition to being a star in this film,

would you also be willing to run errands?

I'm really hoping

to get a career running errands.

That'd be a major boost for me.

- What did you say your name was?

- Jiffrenson.

- Jiffrenson?

- Jiff. My friends call me Jiff.

Jiff, welcome aboard.

Here's your wardrobe.

All right! All right.

Awesome. Awesome.

All right.

- How do you feel?

- I feel kind of strange.

- You look good. You look tough.

- I do?

Like an action star.

Shoulders out. Take a good, deep breath.

Suck it in.

In this scene, you're hurting inside.

You're not sure who to trust.

You want to run into the arms

of your beloved.

- Hi, I'm Daisy.

- Hi. How are you?

When I yell "action," you are gonna run

from point "A" over there...

...to point "B" over here.

That seems kind of hard.

Think of it as an errand.

Your errand is to run across

the freeway until I yell, "Cut."

I get it. But doesn't that seem

a little dangerous?

No. We have professional stuntmen

doing the driving.

You'll be completely safe.

Professional stuntmen.

That's how they do it! I was wondering.

- Stunt drivers.

- Okay, you ready to do one?

Sure. They're going really fast!

Action!

Come on, Jiff!

Action!

Keith! I love you!

Action!

Cut!

Heavenly Father! Heavenly Father!

That was so great! You were fantastic!

Wasn't he great?

Congratulations! That was so good!

- I don't want to do this anymore.

- What?

I just want to run errands. Heavenly God!

Not many people can do what you just did.

The stunt drivers were really impressed.

- Weren't they?

- Really?

- We got an errand we want you to do.

- Really?

We want you to go to Starbucks.

Get coffee for everybody.

- I would love to go get coffee.

- You're the only one who can do it.

I want to get the coffee now.

But first, let's do this one more time.

Heavenly God!

Good work.

Mr. Bowfinger, Bob,

can I talk to you about the new scenes?

- I haven't decided yet.

- Can I talk to you about them?

- Okay.

- I mean tonight?

Okay.

I'll be right there.

Gets so tiring going out.

I thought we'd eat here.

- I know the maitre d' at the lvy.

- That's so trendy.

- Do you like Vienna sausages?

- Yeah. Do you smell burning hair?

This wine is so good. You can drink

all you want and not get drunk.

Yeah.

A big local hit in South Dakota.

What are your favorite TV shows?

- I love The Flintstones.

- I love The Flintstones too! That's so good.

- Do you like walks in the park?

- In the rain!

I want you to see The Music Man because...

- I love The Music Man.

- Isn't Robert Preston good?

He's so good.

Do you love Smashing Pumpkins?

I love to do that.

Have you ever had a shiatsu massage?

- I love you so much!

- I love you!

- I'm so alive!

- I've never been alive until now.

Never till now.

But I worry about our age difference.

- What is age? It's a state of mind.

- That's the way I feel.

Who cares if when I hit my sexual peak

you'll be 70?

I know! It's Bogey and Bacall.

Who?

I promise to never play mind games

with your head.

You are so today.

- I want to make love to you!

- I do too!

- I want you so much!

- I want you!

- But I worry.

- Our love is bigger than worry.

- I worry about the scenes.

- The scenes?

If we're gonna shoot the new scenes.

It's so hard to make love,

to give yourself to a man.

It's the woman who's entered,

the woman who's violated.

I so understand that.

To know that the man inside you

is part of you...

...and that he would not prevent

the added scenes of yours from being shot.

- We're doing the scenes.

- We are?

We're doing them 'cause...

...you're brilliant. I want you in this movie,

and this movie is your movie.

Let me just go get ready.

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