Boy Toy Page #5

What?

No no no, Fred.

No, Fred.

Relax, buddy. I didn't call her

an ass, all right?

You don't want to bust your hip

or bust a lung. Fred, Fred.

Tongue? You can

slip her some tongue?

Listen, boy,

you stay off my woman.

What? Look, I wasn't

talking to your wife, Fred.

- Freddy, I think I wet myself.

- I was talking to Mary.

Oh God.

Jesus, Fred.

How do you like me now,

pervert?

- Damn it. Jeez.

- Kick his wrinkled ass, Gerald.

- What did you do that for?

- Bring it on, sonny.

- I'm not gonna fight. I'm not gonna hit you.

- Come on.

- I think I wet myself, Freddy.

- You're just jealous because

- Fred can't get his ding-a-ling up anymore.

- I'm not gonna fight you.

- Thank you for everything.

- Argh!

Now you threw your back out.

I hope you're happy.

See you later, suckers.

Let's get your stuff here.

Okay, let's go.

Calm down.

These women reflect poorly

on me as

a professional, Mouse.

We need to step up

our game.

I don't understand

why you're complaining.

You just made $2000

this week.

That's more money than

you made in the last year.

- You made $2000 this week?

- Yeah.

- Do I get to see any of that?

- No, not right now.

Do you know why? Because I was the one

that got dry-humped by the whaleopolus.

I was the one who had to make out

with a senior citizen

on the sidewalk in broad daylight,

not you two.

Okay, I don't know

what you want from me.

No one said this job would be fun.

Ronnie, did you say this job would be fun?

I did not say this job

would be fun.

It's not about fun,

you idiots.

It's about professionalism, okay?

We need to upgrade

if we're gonna attract new clients.

Don't you get this?

I'm also going to need

a new car.

How can you have a new car

if you don't have a car to begin with?

- Yeah.

- Have you forgotten about my car...

my life's savings

for my Smart Car?

Listen to me, okay?

There's over $2000 here.

But we need to reinvest it

back into the company.

Do you get that?

So, Mouse, take this,

go get me a car... a sweet car,

a really sweet car.

I can't drive that

beater anymore.

Fine.

Also I get final approval

on all the dates.

Do you understand? I only want

hot cougars from now on.

No more B-team

nonsense, okay?

They have to be hot... hot women,

hot cougars, hot people.

- Okay.

- Did you get it?

- I got it.

- Good.

One more thing... I'm going on a date

with Norah this evening.

I'm taking her

to the Horntoad.

I probably won't be

paying for anything,

nor will I leave a tip,

just so you know.

When do you ever

pay for anything?

That's my room,

d*ckhead.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, no problem.

- Thank you.

- Yeah, no problem.

Oh.

Is that your buddy?

Yeah yeah, that's my

best friend Ronnie.

We moved out here together

when we graduated college.

- You went to college?

- I did.

Yes, I graduated with

a B.A. In Women's Studies.

- You're joking.

- If you can't get in touch

with your own feminine side,

how are you supposed

to be able to touch

somebody else's feminine side?

So what about

this new job?

It's sort of complicated.

See, a friend of mine...

Mouse... she's in PR.

And she sort of

hired me on

as a...

as an event planner...

hosting parties for rich folk,

that kind of thing.

- That's cool.

- Yeah yeah.

It's basically just high-class parties

for rich people.

I'm like an M.C.

Basically.

I just sort of take care

of different people's needs,

depending on the party.

That's interesting.

So a pretty Southern girl

like yourself

living in Los Angeles is single.

How is this possible?

I decided a while ago

I wasn't gonna date models

or wannabe producers

or actors.

So that pretty much rules out

everybody in L.A.

Yeah, and the only ones

that are left are these macho,

look-how-expensive-my-watch-is

types, yeah.

- Ballers.

- Ballers.

And with those guys... their ego

is always bigger than their manhood.

- Oh.

- And it's a little disappointing.

Wow, fortunately for me,

I possess none of those traits.

I am not macho.

I don't even own a watch.

However, I am

rather well endowed.

Really? Wow.

- Really?

- No, I'm not.

We should head

over there though.

Yes, should we?

Yeah, okay.

Why are men so obsessed

with their penis sizes?

I think it was you who brought up men's

penis sizes actually.

I think that you're right.

This is a really good band.

I hope you like them.

What?

You're glad I like you?

What?

Yes.

- I meant the band.

- Oh, the band?

- Yeah, I thought you said...

- Yeah, I love the band.

Do you like me?

Oh my God, yeah.

They're great.

Holy sh*t.

Check it out.

That's the PR lady from that casting

I bombed, remember?

She's just a searing-hot little MILF.

Oh, I totally know her.

That's Barbra Skypes.

She owns one of the biggest

PR firms here in L. A...

totally loaded

and super single.

She'd be a great client.

All right, I'll see

you two losers later.

- Have fun at school, sweetie.

- Thanks, baby.

What are you doing sitting here?

- Sign her up.

- Oh, right.

- Get paid.

- I'm on it.

Make money.

Daddy needs a new car.

- Great.

- Miss Skypes.

- May I help you?

- Hi. I'm Mindy Lee.

Hey. I used to work

for Mr. Cahill

and I'm also acquaintances

with your friend Clive.

- Clive?

- Yeah.

Oh, but don't worry.

Everything I know and do

is always in complete

confidence.

And how can I help

you then, Mindy?

Oh, please

call me Mouse.

Mouse... that name does

ring a bell actually.

And you said you used to

work for Mr. Cahill?

- I did.

- Ah, I know exactly who you are.

You're the one who slept with Cahill

and got his chauvinistic ass fired.

- That's me.

- Oh, thank you.

I tell you, I always

thought he was a jerk.

But since you got him fired,

my business has gone up 20%.

Yeah, well, he wasn't

much of a good lay either.

Oh gee, why am I not

surprised at that?

So, Mindy... Mouse,

what can I do to help you?

I was thinking

that since, you know, I helped you

with your business,

you can help me

with mine.

I have a really interesting

proposal for you.

Well, I'm always open

to interesting proposals,

especially from enterprising

young women like yourself,

so go right ahead.

Well, do you remember that

underwear campaign you worked on?

There was a model

named Gerard.

Gerard?

So, Mousetrap, I've got

a question for you.

How did you manage

to land Barbra?

What can I say?

I'm a saleswoman.

Don't screw this up, Jake.

I mean, Barbra is huge.

She could be a really

big client for us.

You know, if she likes you,

she might drop your name

to all her rich

old friends.

Mouse, have I ever

let you down before?

Nope.

Jorge.

Faster.

Look what she sent over.

She wants you to wear this

to the champagne thingy.

- Yeah yeah yeah.

- She's a demanding woman.

Oh yeah, that's snazzy

all right.

That is a sharp-Iooking

suit, boy-o.

Welcome to first class.

No kidding.

All right, I'm gonna

go throw it on.

- Do you need help?

- No, that's okay.

- No, I think you...

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes