Boy Toy Page #7

I don't understand why you

didn't just sleep with her.

Right, Jorge?

Please don't bring Jorge into this.

He can't even speak English.

Look, I can't sleep

with Barbra.

I really want

to sleep with Norah.

And you can't do both

because...?

I think I'm falling

in love with her.

What?

Jake, what are you

talking about?

Okay, this is

so not good.

I mean, there's no room for love here,

or we're screwed.

I think it's really

beautiful, man.

I'm so happy for you, man.

This is wonderful.

I'm sorry, guys.

I have to tell her, like, tonight.

I gotta tell her the entire boy toy story.

I gotta...

- I can't do this to her anymore.

- Okay, Jake, as your manager

and your pimp,

I strongly advise against this.

Well, I'm sorry, but I don't care

what you advise anymore.

So what, you're just

gonna throw this all away?

Do you know how hard

I've worked?

You know, this isn't

just about you, Jake.

You got a commission

on every job, didn't you?

Ronnie got his money back.

He got his Smart Car.

Look, maybe Barbra will understand.

Maybe you're right.

I was being nice.

Barb will flip.

She will ruin you.

You will never work in this town again.

You'll be lucky if you can nail

a 50-year-old crack whore.

Well, maybe I don't want

to do this anymore, okay?

Maybe we don't need

all this stuff.

I'll find something else

to do with my life.

Oh yeah, with your

Women's Studies degree.

Yeah, you could work

at a women's health clinic

inspecting moldy vaginas.

- What?

- Vaginas get moldy?

That's disgusting.

Goodbye, Mouse.

Oh. I love you.

Love you too.

- This is it.

- Yay.

Oh, mama mia.

Now I got you,

you son of a gun.

Yes.

You never said what

happened to your face.

Oh yeah, I kind of fell out of bed

this morning, hit the floor.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Hi. We have a reservation for two.

The name's Jake Dylan.

- Sure, right this way.

- Great. Thank you.

Wait, you fell out?

Wait, what?

I just rolled over

to the side.

Oh, honey, this place

is so romantic.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Wow.

Thank you very much.

- A drink list?

- Yes.

Well, we won't be

needing these.

Hello. What can I

get you to drink?

We're gonna take a bottle

of your finest champagne, please.

- Oh, wow.

- Coming right up.

Watch out, ladies and gentlemen.

He is trying to get me drunk.

Big time.

Thank you.

Thank you...

Yeah.

...for such

a lovely evening.

Yeah, it was good.

It was really good.

Are you okay?

I need to tell you something

and it's pretty important.

I need to tell you

something too.

Okay, but let me go first,

because I really need to get this one out.

Ladies first.

When I met you,

I assumed

that you were like

every other wannabe in this town.

I mean, anybody

as cute as you

is usually a playboy.

Yeah.

What I'm trying

to say is

that I never thought

that I would feel

the way I do

about you.

And I'm sorry

that I judged you

before I got to know you.

Yeah, I never thought

I'd feel this way

about you either,

or any other girl for that matter,

which is why l...

I'm not... I'm not...

I'm not used to

this relationship...

you know, actually...

actually feeling stuff,

you know?

But I like it.

It's nice, huh?

Yeah.

Yeah, it is.

Great job, everybody.

Yeah?

That was great.

- Oh, that was great.

- Thank you.

- I loved it.

- Yeah, trippy, man.

All these stretches are totally gonna add

to my sexual repertoire.

Why do you think

I started yoga?

Oh, wow.

Sweetie, are you okay?

You look stressed.

Actually I really need to

talk to you about something.

Yeah, of course.

I'll just grab my stuff.

All right.

- Wow.

- She's great, isn't she?

- She's a catch.

- Dude, dude, we got trouble.

Scheisse.

Isn't that that...?

Serious.

Ready, sweetie.

- Hi.

- Mom?

- Norah.

- Barbra.

Gerard.

- Norah.

- Mom, what are you doing here?

"Mom"?

Oh my God, Mom,

this is Jake.

This is the guy I've been

telling you about.

Wait a second,

who's Gerard?

- I am. I'm Gerard.

- No no no no.

Gerard is Jake, darling.

And Gerard stood me up

last night.

Jake, what is she

talking about?

Mom, what are

you talking about?

Jake, would you like to explain?

No no, let me do it.

You know, I just love

a good story.

Darling, you see,

Jake has recently

been in my employ.

Your employ?

Yes, sort of a personal employee,

you might say.

H-he's a b-b-boy t-t...

He's a boy toy

like me,

only younger and,

by the bulge in his sweats,

I think he has bigger penis.

You're an escort?

- No no, look...

- Yes.

I can explain all of this.

- In a word.

- Maybe.

Yes, I and an assortment

of other ladies

pay Jake very handsomely

to accompany us

to various functions

and events.

But what I didn't know

until last night

is that he also

knew you.

You said you were

an event host.

Well, look,

hosting these dates

is like hosting

an event, so...

- Yeah.

- Too true. That's really...

So when Gerard failed to show up

as promised last night,

I was forced to downgrade

to Clive here

who helped me

track you down.

I must say, Jake,

standing me up is one thing,

but to stand me up

for my own daughter...

I'm sorry, okay? I didn't know

she was your daughter. I had no...

You're apologizing to her?

No no, I'm not apologizing to her, okay?

I didn't know she was your mother.

I was on my way to tell you,

all right? I almost...

Oh, like I almost had sex

with you last night? Oh wait, I did.

Oh, disgusting.

I like it.

Get the...

look, Norah, I had no idea

she was your mother, okay?

- You have to believe me.

- Oh!

Jesus.

God damn it.

Right in the...

F***.

Jake baby,

I gave you a few

simple rules

and you just

couldn't follow them.

Not only have you

screwed me over,

you have embarrassed

my daughter.

And nobody messes

with my family.

Got it?

I know. This was

a complete mistake.

I never meant to hurt

you or your daughter.

Oh, Jake, you just screwed

the wrong lady.

You stay the hell

away from my daughter

and you stay the hell

away from me.

Well, Barbra, that's gonna

be a bit of a problem,

because I'm kind of in love

with your daughter right now.

Gee, you should have

thought of that

before you started dating

her mother. Clive.

I'm back in business, baby.

Who's the man now, Gerard?

- Clive.

- Coming, my queen.

She's gonna forget

about that in the morning.

- Clive.

- Little penis.

Come on, jump off his dick.

The guy's in pain.

Look at him.

He's hurting.

We need the old Jake back.

The old Jake is gone.

I'm a one-woman man now, okay?

God damn it, Jake...

he is not gone.

He is repressed.

He is there.

What happened to the Jake

that pioneered

the double-decker

threeway, huh?

What happened to the Jake

that was banned

from seven different

sorority houses?

What happened to the Jake

that needed bi-weekly

S.T.D. Tests?

- Eww.

- I don't miss taking those.

- Yes, but you miss the rest of it, right?

- Yeah.

God damn it, Jake,

we're getting you laid tonight.

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